A Letter to You....probably the first of many

     Well, it is Sunday evening after a long New Years weekend.  I think I managed the New Year pretty well for being alone for the first time in a long time.  I had a good cry, I held tight to my teddy bear that wears your sweatshirt and I had our fur babies beside me.  It doesn't help the fact that I miss you.  You know, I handle myself pretty well in the daylight hours.  I manage to keep myself busy with work and chores or Mom and Dad help occupy my time on the weekends, (I am so thankful for them), now with their new "Smartphones" I'm sure they will keep me hopping.  The nighttime hours are the worst!  I tell myself, "I will keep busy around the house until it's time to go to sleep and I'll be tired enough to nod right off".  But, that doesn't happen, I cannot lie down and go to bed without first thinking of you, missing you, wanting you beside me, my head on your shoulder and Gracie trying to worm in between us.....you left owing me a back rub.  The pain in my heart hurts as much tonight as the night you left me.  They say it will get better with time....How much time, I just don't know.  If it means I will begin to forget about you or love you less over time, then I don't see that happening.
     Sandi sent me a letter about death:

It is a beautiful letter and oh how I so wish it were true.  I agree that the time we spent together is untouched and unchanged, that what we meant to each is forever true, I still call your name, I still speak to you and you are never out of my mind....But everything has changed!  You are not here to greet when I come home, and though I speak your name easily; you don't reply, I don't get to see your smile or feel the warmth of your arms in a hug when I come home from work; there is nothing, I long to feel your hands on my shoulders as I sit and work at computer and there is nothing.  So how can it possibly be unchanged?  I know you are waiting, I know you are watching over me and I suppose there is some comfort in that.  But, it is not the same...Death may be nothing...but it changes everything.

     I know I am not suppose to question God, He has a plan, He knows what is right...But, you know me, I question everything.  How could He possibly think this right; to leave me alone here without you, after we have worked so hard to come this far.  I know you always say "when it's your time the Lord will call you home", well what determines when it's your time?  Did He take you to end your pain or suffering or did He take you because I did something wrong, is there something I need to be punished for?  If so, I wish He would let me know...I try to be a good person, I know I am far from perfect and I know I am not a churchgoer, but is this the price I have to pay for that?  You could never have found any one who would have loved you more than I did!  I guess I just don't understand how we can pray and pray and He takes you away from me the way He did.  Maybe you or someone up there can help enlighten me as to why?  It would be greatly appreciated!

     Then I often wonder, did we make the wrong decision?  Should I not have pushed you for the bypass?  Should we have opted for stents?  Should we have just gone home like you asked me once before?  I am tormented by these questions.

     Dammit Don, I miss you and I love you so much!  I am just as confused, bewildered and angry today as I was on that awful night that my whole world flipped upside down.....and they expect me to continue on as if nothing has changed....How am I suppose to do that?