Another Letter to You...

     I know it's been a few weeks since I last wrote to you and I sure do wish I could talk to you!  I guess your cell won't get a signal...  Baby, I miss you so much.  My afternoons and evenings, which use to seem so rushed and never had enough time or hours in the day, now they just drag on endlessly.  I never knew the night could last so long, especially when sleep doesn't come easily.  I miss you laying beside me, rubbing my back, snuggling, and kissing me good night.  This bed is way too big for just me.  It's too big for me, Gracie, Sam and Susie if she would stay up here with me.  Our fur babies miss you something terrible too.  They are at my feet constantly.  I have my huge teddy bear that you bought me a few years ago for Valentine's Day, I even put on of your sweatshirts on it,  The one I bought you from Cracker Barrel, it is so soft and still smells like you.  He sits on your side of the bed, he fills some space and I often lay with my head on its chest and think of you.  I can't believe that it has only been eight weeks since I lost you, some days it feels just like yesterday and other times the way the day drags on it seems so much longer. 
     I know you tell me not to question why God does what he does and everyone says you're "in a better place", I always thought our place was a good place.  Not a castle, but it was ours and we were together.  I'm trying to understand His plan, but I still keeping thinking of our plans.  The future we had planned.  Some people say my life is easier now, I don't have to worry and I don't have to take care you.  That makes me so sad when they say that.  I never minded helping you or doing for you, yes I guess I would get flustered sometimes...but I think you knew, that if I minded or if I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't have.  I know you would have done the same for me.
     I know I'm going to get through this, I am doing better and getting my act together.  Things have been a bit hectic at work lately, but it keeps me busy, that part of the day goes by quick and of  course my guys I work with are the best.  They keep me on my toes and keep my mind occupied.  I hear there are some job openings coming up; planner and supervisor, I find myself considering this more and more, it may help fill the void.  It would definitely help out financially, let me get out of debt and possibly retire early, like we talked about.  My fear is that I won't have time to do my Art Shows and Photography, but then again...lately the drive to do my photos has not been there.  That and the fact that I love my job right now, the position I'm in, the work I do and the people I work with.  I don't think I want to leave the shop for a planner job and sometimes I'm not sure if the supervisor role is really for me.  You know I'm not very politically correct, I speak my mind out loud and I will probably get fired for harassment or hostile work environment when I throw something at someone...Ha Ha.  I wish you were here to give me your input and suggestions.
     The weekends....I miss our weekend adventures!  I try to go out and ride, the dirt roads aren't the same without you telling me how to drive, where to turn, to keep my eyes on the road...  I have been taking Gracie with me, but she gets whiny when I go down an old bumpy dirt road.  She still likes when we go "puddling"  she loves to watch the splash of the water.  I took her to Jekyll the other day and we were on the road around Tidelands with the white rock and sand, this was after it rained with giant puddles.  I hit everyone of them for her, she was barking and the little tail was just a wagging, until the wind caught the water and splashed back on her...little miss priss didn't care for that and my poor old truck is covered in that white dust and mud.  Dad was teasing me about it the other night.  Mom and Dad, of course, have been wonderful.  We are spending more time together and going out to dinner, they have come over here a couple times to visit, Dad has been keeping the grass cut and trimming up the trees.  I don't know what I would do without them.  I wish you could see them with their smart phones.  Dad is using your LG and he loves it!  They sure do keep me busy with "Tech Support" sometimes, but I don't mind.  I'm just glad they finally came into the 21st century.
     Michael Hulett is playing at Mary Ross Park tomorrow from 10am to 2 pm.  I think I'm going to go down and see them.  Michael and Jim are such wonderful people and they miss you so much too.  Michael is so talented and staying really busy.  I'm afraid if I don't get to see them this week, I won't get to see them for a long time.  Hoping he doesn't play "Our song" until I get there.  I know I will be tearful, but it is only because of my fond memories.
     Well Baby, I must admit writing this little letter to you has made me feel better.  I have always found some comfort in writing.  Again, I know I am going to get through this, it is not easy and I know you wouldn't want me to quit living.  You were always my biggest fan, you always told me I could do anything and succeed at it.  Right now, this is my biggest challenge...getting over missing you.  I find myself smiling more and crying less at all our memories, I think that is the way it should be.  Until next time....I love you and miss you Baby!

Another Loss and Some Things I Just Don't Understand

     This evening I received some more bad news; my niece Vicki has passed away.  Vicki has had her share of battles through out life, but this last one, Cancer, reared its ugly head up out of nowhere and wreaked havoc on her poor little body.  Vicki is the daughter of Don's sister, Sue.  Sue has had a rough few years and has experienced more than her share of loss in her lifetime.  For the sixteen years that I have known Sue, she has been a caregiver.  She took care of her Mom, who was in her 80's, Vicki, her daughter who was handicapped with special needs and her husband Daniel who was an amputee with many of his own medical maladies.  She was taking care of all three of them when I first met her.  I thought to myself how does this little lady, take care of all these people so well, plus she usually cooks for her other daughter and her family.  She amazed me.  She constantly gives of herself for others.  Sue lost her oldest daughter Frankie to leukemia during her childhood many years ago, her Mom passes in 2000 shortly after Don and I married, she lost her brother Joe in June 2011, her husband in December 2013, her brother Don, my husband, in December 2015 and now she has lost her youngest daughter Vicki today.
     My heart breaks for Sue.  She has gone from devoting all her time to the care of others to having no one to give constant care to.  She has three other daughters who stand by her side constantly and I know their strength will get her through this most horrible time.  I am sure her faith in God, knowing Vicki is no longer suffering and that she has gone on to a better place will offer her some peace and comfort. 
     But I know from experience, it is the last thing you want people to say to you, "Oh, they are in a better place now, no longer in pain....and so on"  My poor Mom said that to me when Don passed and it hit me like a freight train!  I was very angry, telling her I found no comfort in that!  That I wanted him here with me!  We tell ourselves that they are in a better place, no longer in pain or agony and that they are with our loved ones that have gone on before us.  I try, I try desperately to believe this...that it is all part of His of a plan.  I don't understand His plan, when it causes so much heartache, especially to one person or one family.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, I say my prayers for my loved ones, I pray for strength and I pray for wisdom to understand.  I know Don is with me, I can hear him whisper in my ear, it is not our place to question...I can almost sense him some times; not physically, but emotionally...like a calm coming over me.  But I don't understand God.
     The selfish me still finds no comfort in that, I still want him here with me!  We had a plan, we had a future and we were a family....what was wrong with that plan?  Susie, Sam, Gracie and myself are left here with the pain of missing Don.  Sue and her family are left with the pain of losing many loved ones recently. 
     I guess, I just don't get the Big picture, the Big Plan.  It isn't the first time I have been told that!  I hope God doesn't hold it against me for my questioning attitude and maybe one day He can grant me with inner peace and a glimpse of His plan.
     God, please continue to Bless my family and friends, but please, please don't call any more home for a long time.  I don't know how much more I can handle either.  I don't think I am as strong as Sue.
    

A Letter to You....probably the first of many

     Well, it is Sunday evening after a long New Years weekend.  I think I managed the New Year pretty well for being alone for the first time in a long time.  I had a good cry, I held tight to my teddy bear that wears your sweatshirt and I had our fur babies beside me.  It doesn't help the fact that I miss you.  You know, I handle myself pretty well in the daylight hours.  I manage to keep myself busy with work and chores or Mom and Dad help occupy my time on the weekends, (I am so thankful for them), now with their new "Smartphones" I'm sure they will keep me hopping.  The nighttime hours are the worst!  I tell myself, "I will keep busy around the house until it's time to go to sleep and I'll be tired enough to nod right off".  But, that doesn't happen, I cannot lie down and go to bed without first thinking of you, missing you, wanting you beside me, my head on your shoulder and Gracie trying to worm in between us.....you left owing me a back rub.  The pain in my heart hurts as much tonight as the night you left me.  They say it will get better with time....How much time, I just don't know.  If it means I will begin to forget about you or love you less over time, then I don't see that happening.
     Sandi sent me a letter about death:

It is a beautiful letter and oh how I so wish it were true.  I agree that the time we spent together is untouched and unchanged, that what we meant to each is forever true, I still call your name, I still speak to you and you are never out of my mind....But everything has changed!  You are not here to greet when I come home, and though I speak your name easily; you don't reply, I don't get to see your smile or feel the warmth of your arms in a hug when I come home from work; there is nothing, I long to feel your hands on my shoulders as I sit and work at computer and there is nothing.  So how can it possibly be unchanged?  I know you are waiting, I know you are watching over me and I suppose there is some comfort in that.  But, it is not the same...Death may be nothing...but it changes everything.

     I know I am not suppose to question God, He has a plan, He knows what is right...But, you know me, I question everything.  How could He possibly think this right; to leave me alone here without you, after we have worked so hard to come this far.  I know you always say "when it's your time the Lord will call you home", well what determines when it's your time?  Did He take you to end your pain or suffering or did He take you because I did something wrong, is there something I need to be punished for?  If so, I wish He would let me know...I try to be a good person, I know I am far from perfect and I know I am not a churchgoer, but is this the price I have to pay for that?  You could never have found any one who would have loved you more than I did!  I guess I just don't understand how we can pray and pray and He takes you away from me the way He did.  Maybe you or someone up there can help enlighten me as to why?  It would be greatly appreciated!

     Then I often wonder, did we make the wrong decision?  Should I not have pushed you for the bypass?  Should we have opted for stents?  Should we have just gone home like you asked me once before?  I am tormented by these questions.

     Dammit Don, I miss you and I love you so much!  I am just as confused, bewildered and angry today as I was on that awful night that my whole world flipped upside down.....and they expect me to continue on as if nothing has changed....How am I suppose to do that?