Losing My Mind, Losing Time, Feeling Pain and they call it "Normal"??

     I had an extra long weekend, it started with my crazy Friday; was suppose to go though to Monday with Martin Luther King Day and back to work on Tuesday.  I know I sound like a broken record but things in my head are getting worse, the pain in my heart is sharper and more constant.  I try to keep busy during the day.  I was working in the yard Monday, it felt good being outside and working with my plants, so I run around to Don's shop to get my shovel and I start looking around at all his things and how he managed to rearrange things, build things while not being able to get around so good and not giving in, he just kept at it.  I sat down on one of the chairs, admiring him for his tenacity and memories start flowing, I'm smiling thinking about how much he enjoyed being out here..."piddling", as he called it.  I just zoned out, next thing I know tears are flowing, my face is wet and almost thirty minutes had passed.  My heart was racing, my stomach was queasy and I felt shaky.  I honestly have no idea where that time went.  It seems to be happening more frequently.  I pulled up in the yard the other day in my old truck and was looking at the front of the house, the ramp, the Nissan and twenty minutes later I realized I was still in the truck. 
     This morning I woke up early, it was not a very restful night, got my clothes together, got my morning wake up call, chattering away at the fur babies...sat down to put my fuzzy socks on, 'cause dang it was cold this morning... and BOOM out of no where my heart starts racing, I feel queasy, shaky and crying my eyes out.  Why??  I don't know.  So thirty minutes later Al calls back cause we chat on our way to work everyday and asked what was wrong...my reply, "I don't know, my head is screwed up".  He starts about going to counseling and talking to somebody, that their are people who go through this everyday.  Well, I'm  not real good about letting too many people into my head or heart.  I can't picture myself in a support group or group counseling.  I know a lot people find comfort in that, sharing their experiences with others who have or are travelling that same road.  Honestly, I don't know if I can handle hearing about someone else's misery.  I feel bad enough.
     So I figured I would let my fingers do the walking and started looking up how to handle the grief of losing someone suddenly on line. I think that is the hardest problem I have...is the suddenly part.  Anytime to you lose a loved one, spouse, friend or family member it is difficult.  I have never handled death well.  I rarely make it to a funeral and almost never to the casket, open or closed, I just don't want to remember them that way.  But, I have been fortunate to not lose many people close to me, I mean really close to me.  Anyway, the suddenly part kills me.  I didn't get to say goodbye!  It was "I love you and I will see you soon baby", Don kept saying "don't worry, everything is going to be fine, it's all in God's hands and I love you too baby".  We were taking selfies and pictures of him with his surgery cap on as he was leaving the room.  It wasn't suppose to be a goodbye.
     So, I go online and find out that I am not going crazy.  That what I am experiencing is somewhat typical.  Many call it "Grief Work", 'cause you have to work to be able to deal with the loss.  The discouraging part is there is no time line, no order of events, everyone deals with it differently.  So with this knowledge that I could be losing my mind indefinitely, I also decide to call my family doctor.  They were so kind to take me right away.  They are very familiar with Our Story.
     So, I tell Doc what is going on and how things seem to be getting worse, how I am finding it more difficult to deal with life without Don, that as time passes it is hurting more. how I am losing time, zoning out and all of the above.  He says it's normal...I can't believe this could be normal...that I am experiencing anxiety attacks and that he could help me with some temporary meds to get me over the hump....but that I should also speak to a "Grief Counselor".  That is not really what I wanted to hear.  I expressed to him, how I don't really open up to strangers, I don't like people to see me at my weakest moments, I don't like people to see me cry and that I don't really think that is "My Thing".  He assured me this person is great, they will put me at ease and maybe they can help me to start healing.  He would no longer hear my lame excuses and said he would set it up.  I guess we will take it "One Day At A Time", I have decided not to brood on this counselor thing...at least not until they call to schedule my appointment that is.
     I do know that something has to give.  Things can't really get back to normal, my normal was taking care of Don and he is gone.  I guess I need to find a new normal.  Then again Normal and Debbie aren't often in the same sentence.  Ha!   I do however, find some comfort in writing this blog and I am sure one day I will look back on it and think...boy I was a wimp. 

     I will keep praying that God will give me strength, enlighten me and continue to care for my family and friends.  I don't know what I would do without my family...parents, brother, fur babies and friends are too many to list but I do owe a special thanks to Kenny who makes me laugh, reminds me of the "Days of the Empire", shops with me via text messages at Wal-mart and listens to my sorrows and to Al for my morning wake up call, our morning conversations, listening to me wallow in my grief, for not giving up and continuing to push me to get help.  Friendships and relationships are funny the way they can endure time and pick right back up, like nothing happened.  Thank you! 

Why can't it all be that easy?

Another Loss and Some Things I Just Don't Understand

     This evening I received some more bad news; my niece Vicki has passed away.  Vicki has had her share of battles through out life, but this last one, Cancer, reared its ugly head up out of nowhere and wreaked havoc on her poor little body.  Vicki is the daughter of Don's sister, Sue.  Sue has had a rough few years and has experienced more than her share of loss in her lifetime.  For the sixteen years that I have known Sue, she has been a caregiver.  She took care of her Mom, who was in her 80's, Vicki, her daughter who was handicapped with special needs and her husband Daniel who was an amputee with many of his own medical maladies.  She was taking care of all three of them when I first met her.  I thought to myself how does this little lady, take care of all these people so well, plus she usually cooks for her other daughter and her family.  She amazed me.  She constantly gives of herself for others.  Sue lost her oldest daughter Frankie to leukemia during her childhood many years ago, her Mom passes in 2000 shortly after Don and I married, she lost her brother Joe in June 2011, her husband in December 2013, her brother Don, my husband, in December 2015 and now she has lost her youngest daughter Vicki today.
     My heart breaks for Sue.  She has gone from devoting all her time to the care of others to having no one to give constant care to.  She has three other daughters who stand by her side constantly and I know their strength will get her through this most horrible time.  I am sure her faith in God, knowing Vicki is no longer suffering and that she has gone on to a better place will offer her some peace and comfort. 
     But I know from experience, it is the last thing you want people to say to you, "Oh, they are in a better place now, no longer in pain....and so on"  My poor Mom said that to me when Don passed and it hit me like a freight train!  I was very angry, telling her I found no comfort in that!  That I wanted him here with me!  We tell ourselves that they are in a better place, no longer in pain or agony and that they are with our loved ones that have gone on before us.  I try, I try desperately to believe this...that it is all part of His of a plan.  I don't understand His plan, when it causes so much heartache, especially to one person or one family.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, I say my prayers for my loved ones, I pray for strength and I pray for wisdom to understand.  I know Don is with me, I can hear him whisper in my ear, it is not our place to question...I can almost sense him some times; not physically, but emotionally...like a calm coming over me.  But I don't understand God.
     The selfish me still finds no comfort in that, I still want him here with me!  We had a plan, we had a future and we were a family....what was wrong with that plan?  Susie, Sam, Gracie and myself are left here with the pain of missing Don.  Sue and her family are left with the pain of losing many loved ones recently. 
     I guess, I just don't get the Big picture, the Big Plan.  It isn't the first time I have been told that!  I hope God doesn't hold it against me for my questioning attitude and maybe one day He can grant me with inner peace and a glimpse of His plan.
     God, please continue to Bless my family and friends, but please, please don't call any more home for a long time.  I don't know how much more I can handle either.  I don't think I am as strong as Sue.
    

Getting To Know Each Other

     Hi my name is Debbie.  First of all Happy New Year!  As you can tell from my profile, I have a job and I love it, I have a passion for photography and capturing the Beauty that Surrounds Us, I love the Georgia Coast, I love my poor old blue Chevy Pick Up Truck and I love exploring the dirt roads.
     I have my Family, I am Blessed to still have my Mom and Dad here on Earth with me and living close by me here in coastal Georgia.  I have a brother and his two beautiful daughters living in Pennsylvania, which is where I moved from 24 years ago.
     I have my furbabies, Susie aka Fat Susie is the oldest at about 15/16 years old.  She is Lhasa Apso/Terrier Mix, a small dog, (well she is suppose to be small), she was starving when we met and she hasn't missed a meal since.  Sam, he is a man of the house.  A soft little furry kitty cat that wouldn't harm a fly and then...there is Gracie.  She is the baby at 4/5 years old.  She is a Poodle and she knows she is too cute and that her place should be on your lap and your job is to rub her belly all day long!  They are all Rescues.  I use to think I rescued them, but lately I am realizing, they are rescuing me.
     I have extended Family, many Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, In-Laws near and far.
     I have my TRIDENT Refit Facility Family, more specifically my Shop 31 Work Family.  And I don't care what any one says, we are a true family, sometimes a dysfunctional family but a family nonetheless...we don't always get along, we don't always even like each other sometimes and that is OK, that is normal.  But when it comes to someone in need, they are there.  At least they have been there for me, on numerous occasions.  They have always stepped up to the plate and helped pick me up when I am down.  I don't know how I would have gotten by the last few years without them.
     I have my Festival Family, this is the eclectic and talented group and people who stand with me rain or shine, wind, cold and blistering heat to share our passion, the fruits of our labor with the public.  You should never underestimate this group of Treasures.  The support and love they have shown me in the short time I have known them is overwhelming.  Many have suffered tragedies of their own, they all work hard at what they do and they all have an unbelievable compassion for others. 
     Then there is my Social Media Family, My Facebook Family.  This is where many of my Families overlap and it is wonderful.  As silly as it sounds, it is amazing how much you can be a part of someone's life that you may have never met, or rarely see.  In some cases the impact is huge.  You can follow their travels, their happiness and joy, their trials and tribulations.  I can speak from experience, just knowing someone out there is thinking of you, praying for you, offering words of encouragement, taking time from their day to let you know that you matter; can make all the difference in the world.  To know that someone met you on FB and was so impacted by the pain or hardship you are going through, that they feel the need to take time from their busy schedule to look you up in person, to give you a hug of reassurance, a smile, a kind word and to let you know that you are not alone...it is very powerful and positive.
     What I don't have is My Don:  My husband, My Other Half, My White Knight, My Life Partner, My Friend.  You see, I lost Don on December 3, 2015 after open heart bypass surgery, they lost him in the recovery room.  To say my world has flipped upside down is an understatement.  This is a topic I am sure I will be re-addressing in future posts.

I have always liked to write and with the New Year starting, I thought maybe it would be good therapy to write about my feelings, focus on the good times we had, things that I am grateful for, figure out where I am headed in the future, trying to remain positive and to share this Journey into 2016...a new chapter begins.