The Roller Coaster Ride Continues....Leading to New Challenges!

     This past week has been a little rough on me.  Friday, the 15th, would have been our 16th wedding anniversary.  I went to work that  day and I stayed real busy, no time for those thoughts!  But at the end of the hectic day, as I am unwinding and driving home in my old truck.  It hits me, I mean really hits me.  It's hard to explain, I get so mad at myself for breaking down, giving in to tears and sorrow.  I feel like I'm not in control of myself.  These feelings and memories just overwhelm me sometimes and I hate it!  I don't want to be the weak, teary eyed widow...(you know how I feel about that word!)  I'm no good at this grieving thing.  I wish there was a timeline, tell me how long I have to feel like this, tell me how long until I don't get blindsided anymore.  So I have decided that things are picking up at work and I am going to bury myself in my job and my art shows, until I can come out feeling like me again.  I get so mad at myself, I spent the weekend wallowing in my self pity and getting absolutely nothing accomplished.  I don't have time for this behavior.  My home sometimes feels like a black hole in space.  If I don't get out early in the morning, I will spend the entire day lost inside..no matter how pretty the weather is, how much I want to go do something it's like I just lose time and I lose myself.  So there was the downside to my weekend on Sunday morning I did finally head out and went for a nice long ride with Gracie and my camera, we enjoyed the sunshine and warm weather, but I still didn't feel good about myself.
     As you may remember from my last post, I had a interview for a supervisory position at work.  Well, I went to that interview and I felt good about it when I came out.  So that was last Tuesday, today I went to work, took my lunch break and when I came back, I checked my email.  There was the letter offering me job!  I got it!  Now comes a whole new wave of feelings....can I do this, am I ready to take this position, am I crazy for leaving the job I love and will I succeed at being a leader...not a boss...a leader.  I'm excited, yet doubtful.  I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.  I think that due to my circumstances and where I am in my life; with nothing else or anyone who requires my time other than my furbabies,  That this could be a very good thing.  A chance to bury my grief and sorrow in this new endeavor, pay off the debt I was left and that we have incurred.  Maybe I can treat myself to a new or newer truck later this year...Or maybe, just maybe...I can retire early, say within the next ten years or so.  I still want the time to do my photography, because after all; that is my sanity and I love doing the art shows.  As of right now....the roller coaster is on the upswing, I'm hoping it stays there for a long time.  I have had enough of the deep, dark downhill slides.
     So, I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who gave me words of encouragement and that had the confidence in me that I was lacking at the time.  Once again, my friends and family have provided me with the emotional support I needed to get through my time of self doubt.  I love you!

Losing My Mind, Losing Time, Feeling Pain and they call it "Normal"??

     I had an extra long weekend, it started with my crazy Friday; was suppose to go though to Monday with Martin Luther King Day and back to work on Tuesday.  I know I sound like a broken record but things in my head are getting worse, the pain in my heart is sharper and more constant.  I try to keep busy during the day.  I was working in the yard Monday, it felt good being outside and working with my plants, so I run around to Don's shop to get my shovel and I start looking around at all his things and how he managed to rearrange things, build things while not being able to get around so good and not giving in, he just kept at it.  I sat down on one of the chairs, admiring him for his tenacity and memories start flowing, I'm smiling thinking about how much he enjoyed being out here..."piddling", as he called it.  I just zoned out, next thing I know tears are flowing, my face is wet and almost thirty minutes had passed.  My heart was racing, my stomach was queasy and I felt shaky.  I honestly have no idea where that time went.  It seems to be happening more frequently.  I pulled up in the yard the other day in my old truck and was looking at the front of the house, the ramp, the Nissan and twenty minutes later I realized I was still in the truck. 
     This morning I woke up early, it was not a very restful night, got my clothes together, got my morning wake up call, chattering away at the fur babies...sat down to put my fuzzy socks on, 'cause dang it was cold this morning... and BOOM out of no where my heart starts racing, I feel queasy, shaky and crying my eyes out.  Why??  I don't know.  So thirty minutes later Al calls back cause we chat on our way to work everyday and asked what was wrong...my reply, "I don't know, my head is screwed up".  He starts about going to counseling and talking to somebody, that their are people who go through this everyday.  Well, I'm  not real good about letting too many people into my head or heart.  I can't picture myself in a support group or group counseling.  I know a lot people find comfort in that, sharing their experiences with others who have or are travelling that same road.  Honestly, I don't know if I can handle hearing about someone else's misery.  I feel bad enough.
     So I figured I would let my fingers do the walking and started looking up how to handle the grief of losing someone suddenly on line. I think that is the hardest problem I have...is the suddenly part.  Anytime to you lose a loved one, spouse, friend or family member it is difficult.  I have never handled death well.  I rarely make it to a funeral and almost never to the casket, open or closed, I just don't want to remember them that way.  But, I have been fortunate to not lose many people close to me, I mean really close to me.  Anyway, the suddenly part kills me.  I didn't get to say goodbye!  It was "I love you and I will see you soon baby", Don kept saying "don't worry, everything is going to be fine, it's all in God's hands and I love you too baby".  We were taking selfies and pictures of him with his surgery cap on as he was leaving the room.  It wasn't suppose to be a goodbye.
     So, I go online and find out that I am not going crazy.  That what I am experiencing is somewhat typical.  Many call it "Grief Work", 'cause you have to work to be able to deal with the loss.  The discouraging part is there is no time line, no order of events, everyone deals with it differently.  So with this knowledge that I could be losing my mind indefinitely, I also decide to call my family doctor.  They were so kind to take me right away.  They are very familiar with Our Story.
     So, I tell Doc what is going on and how things seem to be getting worse, how I am finding it more difficult to deal with life without Don, that as time passes it is hurting more. how I am losing time, zoning out and all of the above.  He says it's normal...I can't believe this could be normal...that I am experiencing anxiety attacks and that he could help me with some temporary meds to get me over the hump....but that I should also speak to a "Grief Counselor".  That is not really what I wanted to hear.  I expressed to him, how I don't really open up to strangers, I don't like people to see me at my weakest moments, I don't like people to see me cry and that I don't really think that is "My Thing".  He assured me this person is great, they will put me at ease and maybe they can help me to start healing.  He would no longer hear my lame excuses and said he would set it up.  I guess we will take it "One Day At A Time", I have decided not to brood on this counselor thing...at least not until they call to schedule my appointment that is.
     I do know that something has to give.  Things can't really get back to normal, my normal was taking care of Don and he is gone.  I guess I need to find a new normal.  Then again Normal and Debbie aren't often in the same sentence.  Ha!   I do however, find some comfort in writing this blog and I am sure one day I will look back on it and think...boy I was a wimp. 

     I will keep praying that God will give me strength, enlighten me and continue to care for my family and friends.  I don't know what I would do without my family...parents, brother, fur babies and friends are too many to list but I do owe a special thanks to Kenny who makes me laugh, reminds me of the "Days of the Empire", shops with me via text messages at Wal-mart and listens to my sorrows and to Al for my morning wake up call, our morning conversations, listening to me wallow in my grief, for not giving up and continuing to push me to get help.  Friendships and relationships are funny the way they can endure time and pick right back up, like nothing happened.  Thank you! 

Why can't it all be that easy?