The Roller Coaster Ride Continues....Leading to New Challenges!

     This past week has been a little rough on me.  Friday, the 15th, would have been our 16th wedding anniversary.  I went to work that  day and I stayed real busy, no time for those thoughts!  But at the end of the hectic day, as I am unwinding and driving home in my old truck.  It hits me, I mean really hits me.  It's hard to explain, I get so mad at myself for breaking down, giving in to tears and sorrow.  I feel like I'm not in control of myself.  These feelings and memories just overwhelm me sometimes and I hate it!  I don't want to be the weak, teary eyed widow...(you know how I feel about that word!)  I'm no good at this grieving thing.  I wish there was a timeline, tell me how long I have to feel like this, tell me how long until I don't get blindsided anymore.  So I have decided that things are picking up at work and I am going to bury myself in my job and my art shows, until I can come out feeling like me again.  I get so mad at myself, I spent the weekend wallowing in my self pity and getting absolutely nothing accomplished.  I don't have time for this behavior.  My home sometimes feels like a black hole in space.  If I don't get out early in the morning, I will spend the entire day lost inside..no matter how pretty the weather is, how much I want to go do something it's like I just lose time and I lose myself.  So there was the downside to my weekend on Sunday morning I did finally head out and went for a nice long ride with Gracie and my camera, we enjoyed the sunshine and warm weather, but I still didn't feel good about myself.
     As you may remember from my last post, I had a interview for a supervisory position at work.  Well, I went to that interview and I felt good about it when I came out.  So that was last Tuesday, today I went to work, took my lunch break and when I came back, I checked my email.  There was the letter offering me job!  I got it!  Now comes a whole new wave of feelings....can I do this, am I ready to take this position, am I crazy for leaving the job I love and will I succeed at being a leader...not a boss...a leader.  I'm excited, yet doubtful.  I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.  I think that due to my circumstances and where I am in my life; with nothing else or anyone who requires my time other than my furbabies,  That this could be a very good thing.  A chance to bury my grief and sorrow in this new endeavor, pay off the debt I was left and that we have incurred.  Maybe I can treat myself to a new or newer truck later this year...Or maybe, just maybe...I can retire early, say within the next ten years or so.  I still want the time to do my photography, because after all; that is my sanity and I love doing the art shows.  As of right now....the roller coaster is on the upswing, I'm hoping it stays there for a long time.  I have had enough of the deep, dark downhill slides.
     So, I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who gave me words of encouragement and that had the confidence in me that I was lacking at the time.  Once again, my friends and family have provided me with the emotional support I needed to get through my time of self doubt.  I love you!

The Worst and The Best

     I would like to think that the worst part of my life is over.  I know there are people who have experienced things I can't even imagine and I don't want to.  I know it's unrealistic to think I will not endure suffering, loss or pain again in my lifetime.  Somehow, I am sure I will have my share.  That's the risk of loving and caring for others.  I certainly don't look forward to it; But I am strong, I am tough, I will make it through turbulent times, I will survive and I will continue to try and find the positive and bright side of life.  I am an optimist and I believe in happiness.  You are the only one who can truly decide if you can be Happy.
     My biggest fear is that the Best Times of my life are over.  Will I just go on existing?  I had found true love.  I think of our marriage, and it had its ups and downs, but it worked and it was special.  We had our problems early in our marriage, but overcame them and became stronger.  We didn't have any children other than our fur babies, so we spoiled each other.  My friends would tease that we were perfect for each other:  Don knew good jewelry and I knew all about tools.  We had a lot of fun and Don always encouraged me in anything I have ever done.  I was into yard work and plants, he would dig holes anywhere and everywhere I wanted, built planting tables, build flower beds, cut down trees, shopped for plants, and not complain, just don't expect him to do the weeding...ha.  I started selling my plants, he helped, he tried to learn his flowers and he tried to help me with rooting and planting and mostly he made me laugh.  When I wanted a camera to photograph my flowers, he bought me one. 
     I got into fishing real big.  I mean everyday.  I had a habit.  After work I would meet with my Dad and we would fish until 11 or 12 at night.  Then I would come home go to sleep, get up in a few hours go to work, and repeat...Don was working with the Sheriff's Office, working nights so he never complained.  When he wasn't working, he often came fishing with us.  He bought me quality fishing gear, rods, reels, tackle, a cart for my stuff and never complained.  He would raise an eyebrow, when he would get home before me at 2 am.  But he would just laugh, cuddle up next to me and asked if I caught a fish.
     He bought me that first camera and I soon ditched the plants and the fishing and he never complained about the money invested into my hobbies.  When the photos started looking really good, I decided I wanted to do a festival and some art shows.  No problem, he built my display, gave up his free weekends to set up my display and carry all boxes.  Never complained about the money being spent on this adventure.  Only encouraged me.  Then when it took off and became a success, he was right there.  We would go out of town to do shows, he started making frames, buying more equipment, anything I needed....I got.  Even after his accident, he still wanted me to do the shows and he still came out help anyway he could.  When I first started running dirt roads to take photos, he would come along once in while.  He wasn't a morning person, but often he would get up early to go catch the sunrise with me.  I think when he first started riding with me, he did it just because....But he came to really enjoy it.  I tried to teach him his birds, much like his flowers ...he tried.  The last couple years every weekend was out on the road, just being together, seeing what we could get into.  He was always willing, I know he was hurting and in pain, told him we could stay home, but then he wanted to ride.  We always made it work, we had good times and bad.  I wouldn't trade any of it.
    Poor Don would catch hell from my Mom at Christmas, he would shop, and get so excited about what he got me, he couldn't wait for Christmas.  He would give it to me early.  He had been out shopping one week and had bought me a diamond tennis bracelet for Christmas in October.  He tried to hold out, but one night while working on the interstate, there was an accident and it involved a little girl, she was in bad shape and she passed away in Don's arms.  They told him to go home early, he walked in the door went to the closet came out and gave me a box.  I told him to wait til Christmas and his reply was "you don't know what tomorrow holds, what can happen next and I want you to have this Now and know that I Love You."  That's just the way things were.  He bought me diamonds, lots of them, necklaces, earrings, bracelets; I told him I don't go anywhere to wear all this fancy stuff...his reply: wear it everyday and enjoy it.  He told me to wear it to work.....I work in a machine shop and I went to work wearing diamonds.....
     After this last accident, we both truly knew how important it was to live each day like it was your last.  In many ways that accident made our marriage stronger and better.  We spent many hours together, we talked, we laughed and we loved each other completely.
     How can ANYTHING ever top that?   I was fortunate to find my true love 17 years ago.  I will never have that again.  I don't think anyone could love me as completely as Don, give me all the freedom and encouragement that he gave me.
     Therefore, I know things can always be worse....but I have experienced the Best.  I will continue to go on, I will do my best in life and I will try to continue to be Happy.  I'm just not real sure what I have to look forward to.... in the long term.  One day at a time, I suppose.

One of "THOSE" Days

     Did you ever have one of "those" days?  You know it is like unwritten law that "those" days should not occur on a Friday, on Friday before a long weekend or anytime during a weekend.  I have been having "those" kind of days frequently lately.  I don't know what is wrong with my head, I can't seem to focus on anything for longer than a few minutes, thoughts, feeling and all that emotional junk run through my head all the time.  I can't turn them off.  It use to be only at night, but lately....  I mean it's not all bad, the memories I have are wonderful and I wouldn't trade them for anything.  Memories are the one thing that nobody can take away from you.  While you sigh and smile at the memory, my thoughts go straight to the fact that he is gone and we will never experience anything together ever again.  Anyway, I think the constant change in thoughts it overloading my brain, 'cause let me tell you I can do some Stupid stuff lately.
     So back to "those" kind of days....Today, I woke up at my usual time 4:30 am.  I even have an old friend call me every morning just to make sure I get my sorry self out of bed.  Got up, got dressed, grabbed my stuff, even some tangerines for the guys at work and off I went.  My friend is a truck driver, So Monday through Friday not only does he wake me up every morning, but we talk on our ride to work.  It's 35 miles, passes time and allows us to catch up.  He has been there for me through a lot of tough times.  He is free therapy.  We couldn't talk long this morning, he had to off load the truck.  I drove in listening to the radio, got to the main gate at work, all is good, got to the second gate, got to say Hello to one of my friends who is the Security Guard, all is good.  I parked my truck, I was early, picked up my phone and was looking through some pics, the memories, emotions everything broke loose; I was a blubbering idiot sitting in my truck.  I sat there for over 30 minutes, tears flowing, blowing the nose, crying, (as much as I hate to admit it), hoping the guys don't see me.  I tried to pull myself together, now I'm all red nose and puffy eyes.  As I started to walk in, it just hit me again.  I went in and told my Supervisor, I would like to take the day off.  He took one look at me and said Go.  I have a good Supervisor and a great group of guys I work with, I think I may have mentioned that before.
     I called Al on my way home and tell him what a blubbering idiot I am and that I don't know what's wrong with me...so on so on.  I get to my house and I realize I do not have my house keys.  Now, I use to keep a key outside, but stupid me took it in the other day.  Now this is where it gets interesting...I have to break into my house.  I can't seem to convince, Susie, Gracie or Sam, (my fur babies), to unlock any of the doors.  I was unsuccessful with the front door, side door and the sliding door, (although I think I probably screwed the screen up on the slider).  So here is where my friend Sandi says I need to put a Go Pro camera on my head.  I move on to the windows! 
     So I pop the screen, (another casualty of my stupidity) and I get the window to open without actually breaking it!  (There's one plus for me).  Now, I have to get my friend the ladder....I don't think I shared my tangerine tree and ladder episode with you...let's just say it wasn't pretty and I have a bruise on my thigh that looks like I was hit with a 90 mph baseball.  Well, it is an eight foot step ladder, I have to kind of climb up it backwards, keep the window from falling on my head, keep Sam, the cat away from the window, tell the girls to quit barking.  Keep in mind, I am not a small woman.  So while hanging half way in the window and my legs hanging out, I am trying to re-arrange furniture, move the cat and I can feel the metal window frame against the front of my legs...I finally slide in scraping my legs the whole way.  The fur babies, were laughing at me.  All this excitement before 8:00 am.  So here I sit, with a new set of bruises on my legs, listening to the rain and writing to you, I hope you got a giggle or two and I certainly hope your Friday got off to a better start than mine...Just My Life