The Roller Coaster Ride Continues....Leading to New Challenges!

     This past week has been a little rough on me.  Friday, the 15th, would have been our 16th wedding anniversary.  I went to work that  day and I stayed real busy, no time for those thoughts!  But at the end of the hectic day, as I am unwinding and driving home in my old truck.  It hits me, I mean really hits me.  It's hard to explain, I get so mad at myself for breaking down, giving in to tears and sorrow.  I feel like I'm not in control of myself.  These feelings and memories just overwhelm me sometimes and I hate it!  I don't want to be the weak, teary eyed widow...(you know how I feel about that word!)  I'm no good at this grieving thing.  I wish there was a timeline, tell me how long I have to feel like this, tell me how long until I don't get blindsided anymore.  So I have decided that things are picking up at work and I am going to bury myself in my job and my art shows, until I can come out feeling like me again.  I get so mad at myself, I spent the weekend wallowing in my self pity and getting absolutely nothing accomplished.  I don't have time for this behavior.  My home sometimes feels like a black hole in space.  If I don't get out early in the morning, I will spend the entire day lost inside..no matter how pretty the weather is, how much I want to go do something it's like I just lose time and I lose myself.  So there was the downside to my weekend on Sunday morning I did finally head out and went for a nice long ride with Gracie and my camera, we enjoyed the sunshine and warm weather, but I still didn't feel good about myself.
     As you may remember from my last post, I had a interview for a supervisory position at work.  Well, I went to that interview and I felt good about it when I came out.  So that was last Tuesday, today I went to work, took my lunch break and when I came back, I checked my email.  There was the letter offering me job!  I got it!  Now comes a whole new wave of feelings....can I do this, am I ready to take this position, am I crazy for leaving the job I love and will I succeed at being a leader...not a boss...a leader.  I'm excited, yet doubtful.  I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.  I think that due to my circumstances and where I am in my life; with nothing else or anyone who requires my time other than my furbabies,  That this could be a very good thing.  A chance to bury my grief and sorrow in this new endeavor, pay off the debt I was left and that we have incurred.  Maybe I can treat myself to a new or newer truck later this year...Or maybe, just maybe...I can retire early, say within the next ten years or so.  I still want the time to do my photography, because after all; that is my sanity and I love doing the art shows.  As of right now....the roller coaster is on the upswing, I'm hoping it stays there for a long time.  I have had enough of the deep, dark downhill slides.
     So, I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who gave me words of encouragement and that had the confidence in me that I was lacking at the time.  Once again, my friends and family have provided me with the emotional support I needed to get through my time of self doubt.  I love you!

The Weatherman Says....

     Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't like the Weatherman, or I guess the politically correct version would be Weatherperson.  All they do is talk, talk, talk, get the public to run and spend money that they don't have to stock up for the "Big Storm"; that goes 100 miles north, where they aren't prepared and you are stuck eating Beanie Weenies for the next two weeks.  Sure they hit the nail on the head with the large snow storm a few weeks ago up North...Thank God it was up North, but a broken clock is correct at least twice a day!  They do not hold a candle to a broken clock...  The Weatherperson has ruined many of my weekends, with the Art Shows.  No rain in sight, only a ten percent chance of rain and I wind up looking like a drowned rat by 2:00 pm.  Or the other one, which I don't mind as much, other than it affects what I display; so therefore there is less of a chance of selling.  "There will be an 80 percent chance of rain, thunder storms through out the day, a good day to stay indoors".  So what do your customers do...stay home, I put out less stock so nothing gets ruined.  Sun shines all day and no one is out wandering about.  So I hope that explains my love of the Weatherperson.
     So like any fool who is suffering from Spring Fever in February, I am going to put some faith in the almighty Weatherperson.  It has been a beautiful week, I fought the urge all week to leave work early, or stay home and play hooky.  Some of my best photos were acquired on a "Sick" day!  But I responsibly stayed at work, saved my time and the Weatherperson says Mother Nature is going to reward me this weekend!  Tomorrow is suppose to be Sunny and 73 glorious degrees!  How can you not have be bitten by the Spring Fever Bug with that kind of weather??
     As many of you know, my camera and I have cooled off our love affair a lot since Don's passing.  It's just not the same going out riding without my navigator, my honey, my friend.  So, I have been trying to raise my spirits lately, get my positive Happy attitude back.  I would be lying if I said it was easy to do.  I manage to do well at work, my coworkers are awesome, my guys don't give me chance to brood, if they notice a weak moment...they quickly slap me out of it...sometimes literally!  They will never no how much that means to me.  My days go by quick, I can't help but smile at them, the way they let me harass them and abuse them daily.  But when my work day is over, I often go home to the empty house.  God knows Gracie and Sam are starving for my attention and affection.  I walk in the door with lots of plans to get things done and then all motivation leaves me.  I enjoy being alone in my home.  But I think sometimes the memories are holding me back, swallowing my time.  I often feel like I lose myself once I come home from work.  I can lose hours at a time.  God Bless my friends who call almost daily, or chat via text or Facebook and the email I look so forward to.  They will never know how they are helping me to recover.  Don't get me wrong, my parents are always there, always asking me to stop by after work, or to call and chat.  But, it's just not the same.
     Anyway, the Weatherperson has raised my hopes.  The Camera battery is charging as I write this and my intentions are to get out of the house before the sun even thinks about rising, so that the shadows of doubt cannot make me change my mind or steal my motivation.  My co-pilot will be little Miss Gracie herself.  I truly do doubt her ability to read the maps or Google for directions, but she is good company, energetic and one of my favorite photo models.  So beware, there will most likely be a few Gracie pics on Facebook tomorrow.  I'm not really sure where we are going or where we will wind up.  I'm thinking sunrise on the beach, with breeze and the sound of the surf coming in.  From there...who knows??  I guess wherever they old blue Chevy wants to take us, without overheating.  I need to give her some attention too, but you can't possibly give up Sunny and 73 in February to stay home and work on a truck...It's Just Not Right!
     Please wish me luck on regaining my love for the outdoors and my camera.  I often refer to my Photography as my Sanity.  This could get ugly, if I can't rekindle this flame.  Y'all enjoy the day!