Hello Again...Let's Rewind the last 6 months (Installment One)

Hey there y'all!  I know it has been over 6 months since I have written, let me tell you, a lot has happened to me it that short time frame...When I left you last, I was interviewing for the Supervisor position.  Well, happy me I got it and I am going to be assigned to the Hydraulics and Air Group which is just perfect!  I get to stay with my guys, I see a lot of good things happening in Shop 31F.  We have the best group in the whole shop and together we will improve even more.  I had a plan...it was just me now.  I was going to throw myself into my job for the next ten years, work as much overtime as possible, payoff all the bills and debt I was let with, stash money into my retirement, sock something away for a rainy day and if all went right, maybe I could retire at the age of 58.  Then I could just work for myself, doing my photography and art shows and live the simple life.  (I should have known the Man Upstairs (God), never seems to like my plans).  I was supposed to start in my new position on May 15th.  Did you catch the "supposed to"?  No as of I yet I have not been able to take on my new position,  You ask....Why not Debbie?  The answer would be ....because I'm an idiot who likes to burn the candle at both ends, who thinks sleep is highly over-rated, who can do anything...I can handle it!!!

Surprise!!  No I can't.  On the morning of May 9th, I was driving Ol' Buttercup, a pet name for my old suburban, to work.  I was driving Buttercup because the car and the truck both needed gas and I was too tired and lazy to stop for fuel.  Well, that weekend I had an Art Show out on St. Simons Island, Buttercup is the vehicle I use to haul everything to the shows.  Of course, Sunday afternoon I was too tired and lazy to unload everything from the truck. 

I have a 35 mile drive to work and I admit I was very tired.  I thought if I can just make it till I get off the interstate, I will stop and get a diet coke or three and the caffeine running through my veins again and will be right in my world.  I got within a half mile of the store.  I get off at exit 6 off I-95.  Best I can remember is I opened my eyes and saw pine trees.  Pine trees scare the hell out of me since Don's accident, so I snatched the wheel and made a U-turn right on the ramp, only to be facing the wrong way and headed toward more pine trees.  So, I once again snatched the wheel of Ol' Buttercup, made another impressive U-turn, but I was more on the dirt than the road, I tried to her back on the road, but I felt her slip and knew I was going over.  I rolled onto the drivers side and landed on the roof.  As I rolled, I could my back cracking, it didn't hurt, just making a cracking noise.  I guess you could say, my world was literally upside down and so was I!  Now before you start preaching to me about a seat belt, no I was not wearing one.  Keep that in mind, we will come back to that later.  I never lost conciseness and the first thing I thought of was how to  get out of here, but my feet were tangled in the steering wheel and my left arm was pinned under something very heavy.  I could hear people stopping and calling 911 for assistance.  I guy who actually works at Kings Bay as an EMT was the first one the scene trying to help me.  I heard them taking about moving all this stuff and these pictures out of the way.  I remember yelling to please be careful with my photos, that was all my hard work.

So my next thought was I had to call my parents.  I found my phone and remained very calm, I called and woke my Mom up.  I told her what happened and just about then they were getting me out of the truck and I was telling her that I was probably going to Camden Hospital to be checked out and that I was going to try to get back to work that afternoon.  The Ambulance crew interrupted me to tell me I wasn't going to Camden, I was going to Shands Trauma Center in Jacksonville and that I wouldn't be going to work that day.  I also did the responsible thing and called work and told them I might be out for a day or two.  Once they got me in the ambulance, that was when the pain set in.  My blood pressure was so low all they could give me for pain was laughing gas.  It didn't help much.  But I did laugh a bit with the crew on the way to the hospital.  I kept thinking to myself, this is weird, I was in accident with a truck, just like Don was, I was able to call people I loved, just like Don did.  I was being taken to the same place Don had gone to when he was in his accident.  There was so much going on, lots of crazy questions, tests, x-rays, MRI's, IV needles, drawing blood, heart monitors....so much of it reminded me of when Don was here.  They stabilized me and sent me to SICU, I was in the same room as Don, I had the same attending physician Dr. Ra and several of the same nurses, techs and therapists.  They were having trouble maintaining my blood pressure, they wanted to put in an arterial line to monitor it better...guess what, Don had one of those too.

A couple days were a blur, they told me I broke 5 vertebrae in my thoracic spine and that they were going to put cement into one of the vertebrae to hold it together, but I had to be more stabilized first.  The physical therapists came in and I was fitted for a darling little blue back brace....I'm lying in case you don't get my sarcasm.  The back brace sucks!  It sucked when they first gave it to me and it sucked three months later when I was able to stop wearing it!  But I was up and walking around the ICU ward with a walker and my lovely brace.  So three days later, the perform this procedure and put the cement in my back.  I wake up and I feel pretty good, except, I can't feel anything from the waist down.  I can move my legs and my toes, but I cannot feel them.  I expressed my concerns to the surgeon and his assistant and they assured me it was all positional from the surgery and that by the next day it would be better...they lied.  The next day, there was still no feeling, I went back for another MRI to find out I had a hematoma (blood clot) the length of my thoracic spine.  I was taken in for immediate surgery.   a six or seven inch incision, the performed a laminectomy, basically cleaned the blood clot out.  When I woke up, now I was sore and I still had no feeling. 

I remember seeing my mom and dad looking very worried, the doctor checking in every hour, oh and the state trooper who worked my accident came by to see me for the second time.  He asked me if I was wearing my seat belt at the time of the accident, I asked him if he was going to give me a ticket, because they did that to Don too.  He said No, he just wanted to know for himself, he said he looked that truck over more than once and just couldn't see how I could have survived if I was wearing my seat belt.  The main support in the front of the truck took a really hard hit and caved in, which is where my head most likely would have been, had I been wearing a safety belt.  That's all I'm going to say about that matter.  I'm an adult and I should be able to decide if I want to wear a seat belt.

The physical terrorists (I mean therapists) came back to see me and that is when I realized you cannot stand on legs you don't feel.  The bottoms of my feet felt warty, like the little bumps inside the Crocs shoes, all over the bottom of my feet and toes, (they still feel that way most days).  Trying to stand on legs you can't feel is like trying to stand on marshmallows (that's what my feet felt like) on legs that were filled with jello.  It was not happening!  That was when I started to get scared.  That was when I realized, maybe I wasn't six foot tall and bullet proof. 

This is where I am going to leave you for now.  I will pick up again in a few days.  I have missed writing, it helped me get through a lot of issues I was dealing with grieving for Don.  Maybe it can bring me out of this funk I have been in lately, maybe it will help me realize just how far I have come.  I am not a patient person and no one can give me a time line on healing with spinal cord injuries (doesn't that sound familiar....no timeline), it could be six months, a year, maybe never....who knows.  That is not what I want to hear!  I am trying to remain positive and happy, I will not quit, I will not give up and I will not surrender!

Changes....Is this what I want?

     Hey ya'll!  I know it has been a long time since I have written.  Life has been going well for the most part.  More Ups than Downs.  The Downs still hit me hard but not quite as often.  It seems I manage to come out of them quicker.  In general, life is good.  I got to see my brother and his family last month, that is always a treat, his girls are growing up so quick and turning into beautiful young ladies.  I have done a couple art shows out on Saint Simons Island and I have been truly Blessed.  The weather was good and the sales were awesome.  Some of my best shows yet!  My full time job has been wonderful!  I work with the best group of people, all of Shop 31 is special to me, but my guys in the Air & Hydraulics Shop are without a doubt the Best.  I am proud to say I am part of that group.  I tell everyone, I have the best job in the shop, I love my job!! 
     So, here come the changes...I have decided the best way to deal with grief, depression, death whatever you want to call it, is throw yourself into something else.  I have decided to throw myself into my work and into my photography as much as possible.  They are hiring for some supervisor positions in Shop 31.  I use to want this job so badly, but it never worked out and I backed out for a while.  But now I'm thinking I have no other responsibilities to worry about and maybe now is the time to commit.  I'm thinking if I can manage to get selected and to do this, if I put my all into it....Maybe I can retire early...like in ten years or so.  I can get out of debt and build my nest egg, and thinking of buying a new truck later this year.
     I submitted my Resume, the best I think I have ever put together and apparently it paid off.  I made the "Cert" as they call it.  Now I have been scheduled for an interview.  This is where I lose all my self confidence...can you believe that??  I can be Bold as Brass sometimes...ok most times.  But when I step into that room, it's like my brain stays in the waiting room.  My interview is scheduled for 9:30 Tuesday morning, as in tomorrow!  I have been reviewing everything I think they will possibly ask about safety, employees, contracts, duties, command policy, EEO, sexual harassment....sexual harassment could be my downfall!  Although, I harass everyone equally.  I do not discriminate!  I hope that counts for something!
     So, I know I am rambling and I don't really know what I want.  But I am going to give my best!  If you happen to think about it....cross your fingers for me tomorrow morning.  Keep on Smiling!

Roller Coaster Days - The Ups Are Great! The Downs Not So Much...

    This week has been one of those roller coaster weeks.  Last Saturday, Gracie and I headed out at the crack of dawn and had an amazing day.  We hit the dirt roads, the woods and the beach.  I gave the ol' camera a work out.  This past week at work has been a little bumpy. 
     The position at work I have been wanting to put in for has finally opened.  Along with the announcement came the anxiety.  I'm unsure if this is the right job for me?  I'm not sure if this is the right time for me to move on?  I'm not sure of what kind of stress this new position will place on me?  Am I going to be able to handle that stress?  I know I am probably making a big deal out of nothing, but right now, I love my job!  I have the best job in the whole shop!  I work with the beat people,  I am proud of the close knit group we have become.  What if I take this new position and I hate it?  There is no going back. 
     I was home sick one day, I think that was from trying to eat some of my own cooking. (I should know better than that).  I couldn't seem to get the words to flow for my resume.  It was like pulling teeth.  Then things started to get a little better.  Back to work the next day, my coworkers cheering me up as usual and providing me with words of reassurance.  I set to work on that damn resume the next day and I had my confidence back, I was in a positive state of mind and I was happy.  I had finished my resume and I sent to a friend to review and some constructive criticism....When it came back the next morning, I told him, I felt like I was in High School and the English teacher had ripped me a new ass.  (for those of you that know....I was thinking of Mrs. McCandless at Ridley, she was always tough on me)  So after eating a piece of humble pie, I got started on my homework, made the corrections, considered the suggestions and put together the best resume I've ever had. 
     Then I got a call from the Counselor.  You know the one the doctor told me three weeks ago to go see.  Well they finally got back to me and want me to come in.  I hemmed and hawed, told her I didn't think that it was right for me, I really didn't want to go.  I was feeling good!  She says I need to come in, just to pick up a book she has for me about coping with grief.  It is quite obvious, she is not taking "NO" for an answer, this is the third time I have tried to give her the slip.  She's a nice lady, knows me from my photography, she starts digging into the sore subjects, opening up memories of Don, wanting to talk about how I lost him, bringing on the pain and tears I haven't seen or felt for over a week.  I knew this was going to happen.  Taking a plunge to dark deep recesses again!  I think they get satisfied once they get the tears.  They feel like they have accomplished their job.  (I'm going to remember that if I ever get caught in that situation again.  Just put on the waterworks early and then I can leave early).  Anyway I was released, she says I doing well and I DO NOT make another appointment.  (I was thinking to myself, I was doing well before I came in there, now I feel like crap)
     The next day I go back to work just so I can get cheered up.  I know most people dread going to work in the morning.  That really isn't me.  I go looking forward to harassing my coworkers and getting involved in my work, so I don't have to think of anything else.  After work I went to visit with Mom and Dad, we went out to dinner and had a good time.  They constantly worry about me, I keep telling them I'm OK and I am.  I don't mind being alone, and I'm not really alone, I look forward to coming home to Gracie and Sam and I know they miss me too.
     But, for some reason, over night, I wound up back in the dark hole again.  Have I ever told you, I hate roller coasters.  This week has been a ride.  So I woke up feeling very down in the dumps and so damn tired.  I guess the need for sleep is catching up to me, since there were two nights last week that I didn't sleep at all.  It was a beautiful day outside, blue sky, sunshine and went up to the mid sixties, But, I never went outside today; not even to check the mail...In fact I stayed in bed most of the day and slept, which also is so not me.  I finally kicked myself in the backside, put the finishes touches on my application package, this is without a doubt the best one I have ever submitted.  I hit the GO Button before I could have anymore doubts.  There it is done, I can't make any further changes, all I can do is sit back and wait.  I am hoping that by sending it in, it will help relieve some of the anxiety.
     So between submitting the resume and putting my thoughts into words, (which for some reason always seems to make me feel better), I am hoping to put this sadness behind me.
     So tomorrow is a new day!  I told Gracie that we are not staying in the house tomorrow!  The plan is to get up before dawn and head out!  Before any doubt can enter my mind.  I want to find a quiet place to watch the sunrise and listen to the world wake up.  Regain some of my inner peace, try to find some balance again.  I'm tired of the ups and downs.  I love the ups, but I can deal with anymore downs for a little while.  So, I'm putting my positive and happy attitude and I am going to enjoy myself even if it kills me!

The Weatherman Says....

     Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't like the Weatherman, or I guess the politically correct version would be Weatherperson.  All they do is talk, talk, talk, get the public to run and spend money that they don't have to stock up for the "Big Storm"; that goes 100 miles north, where they aren't prepared and you are stuck eating Beanie Weenies for the next two weeks.  Sure they hit the nail on the head with the large snow storm a few weeks ago up North...Thank God it was up North, but a broken clock is correct at least twice a day!  They do not hold a candle to a broken clock...  The Weatherperson has ruined many of my weekends, with the Art Shows.  No rain in sight, only a ten percent chance of rain and I wind up looking like a drowned rat by 2:00 pm.  Or the other one, which I don't mind as much, other than it affects what I display; so therefore there is less of a chance of selling.  "There will be an 80 percent chance of rain, thunder storms through out the day, a good day to stay indoors".  So what do your customers do...stay home, I put out less stock so nothing gets ruined.  Sun shines all day and no one is out wandering about.  So I hope that explains my love of the Weatherperson.
     So like any fool who is suffering from Spring Fever in February, I am going to put some faith in the almighty Weatherperson.  It has been a beautiful week, I fought the urge all week to leave work early, or stay home and play hooky.  Some of my best photos were acquired on a "Sick" day!  But I responsibly stayed at work, saved my time and the Weatherperson says Mother Nature is going to reward me this weekend!  Tomorrow is suppose to be Sunny and 73 glorious degrees!  How can you not have be bitten by the Spring Fever Bug with that kind of weather??
     As many of you know, my camera and I have cooled off our love affair a lot since Don's passing.  It's just not the same going out riding without my navigator, my honey, my friend.  So, I have been trying to raise my spirits lately, get my positive Happy attitude back.  I would be lying if I said it was easy to do.  I manage to do well at work, my coworkers are awesome, my guys don't give me chance to brood, if they notice a weak moment...they quickly slap me out of it...sometimes literally!  They will never no how much that means to me.  My days go by quick, I can't help but smile at them, the way they let me harass them and abuse them daily.  But when my work day is over, I often go home to the empty house.  God knows Gracie and Sam are starving for my attention and affection.  I walk in the door with lots of plans to get things done and then all motivation leaves me.  I enjoy being alone in my home.  But I think sometimes the memories are holding me back, swallowing my time.  I often feel like I lose myself once I come home from work.  I can lose hours at a time.  God Bless my friends who call almost daily, or chat via text or Facebook and the email I look so forward to.  They will never know how they are helping me to recover.  Don't get me wrong, my parents are always there, always asking me to stop by after work, or to call and chat.  But, it's just not the same.
     Anyway, the Weatherperson has raised my hopes.  The Camera battery is charging as I write this and my intentions are to get out of the house before the sun even thinks about rising, so that the shadows of doubt cannot make me change my mind or steal my motivation.  My co-pilot will be little Miss Gracie herself.  I truly do doubt her ability to read the maps or Google for directions, but she is good company, energetic and one of my favorite photo models.  So beware, there will most likely be a few Gracie pics on Facebook tomorrow.  I'm not really sure where we are going or where we will wind up.  I'm thinking sunrise on the beach, with breeze and the sound of the surf coming in.  From there...who knows??  I guess wherever they old blue Chevy wants to take us, without overheating.  I need to give her some attention too, but you can't possibly give up Sunny and 73 in February to stay home and work on a truck...It's Just Not Right!
     Please wish me luck on regaining my love for the outdoors and my camera.  I often refer to my Photography as my Sanity.  This could get ugly, if I can't rekindle this flame.  Y'all enjoy the day!