This week has been one of those roller coaster weeks. Last Saturday, Gracie and I headed out at the crack of dawn and had an amazing day. We hit the dirt roads, the woods and the beach. I gave the ol' camera a work out. This past week at work has been a little bumpy. The position at work I have been wanting to put in for has finally opened. Along with the announcement came the anxiety. I'm unsure if this is the right job for me? I'm not sure if this is the right time for me to move on? I'm not sure of what kind of stress this new position will place on me? Am I going to be able to handle that stress? I know I am probably making a big deal out of nothing, but right now, I love my job! I have the best job in the whole shop! I work with the beat people, I am proud of the close knit group we have become. What if I take this new position and I hate it? There is no going back.
I was home sick one day, I think that was from trying to eat some of my own cooking. (I should know better than that). I couldn't seem to get the words to flow for my resume. It was like pulling teeth. Then things started to get a little better. Back to work the next day, my coworkers cheering me up as usual and providing me with words of reassurance. I set to work on that damn resume the next day and I had my confidence back, I was in a positive state of mind and I was happy. I had finished my resume and I sent to a friend to review and some constructive criticism....When it came back the next morning, I told him, I felt like I was in High School and the English teacher had ripped me a new ass. (for those of you that know....I was thinking of Mrs. McCandless at Ridley, she was always tough on me) So after eating a piece of humble pie, I got started on my homework, made the corrections, considered the suggestions and put together the best resume I've ever had.
Then I got a call from the Counselor. You know the one the doctor told me three weeks ago to go see. Well they finally got back to me and want me to come in. I hemmed and hawed, told her I didn't think that it was right for me, I really didn't want to go. I was feeling good! She says I need to come in, just to pick up a book she has for me about coping with grief. It is quite obvious, she is not taking "NO" for an answer, this is the third time I have tried to give her the slip. She's a nice lady, knows me from my photography, she starts digging into the sore subjects, opening up memories of Don, wanting to talk about how I lost him, bringing on the pain and tears I haven't seen or felt for over a week. I knew this was going to happen. Taking a plunge to dark deep recesses again! I think they get satisfied once they get the tears. They feel like they have accomplished their job. (I'm going to remember that if I ever get caught in that situation again. Just put on the waterworks early and then I can leave early). Anyway I was released, she says I doing well and I DO NOT make another appointment. (I was thinking to myself, I was doing well before I came in there, now I feel like crap)
The next day I go back to work just so I can get cheered up. I know most people dread going to work in the morning. That really isn't me. I go looking forward to harassing my coworkers and getting involved in my work, so I don't have to think of anything else. After work I went to visit with Mom and Dad, we went out to dinner and had a good time. They constantly worry about me, I keep telling them I'm OK and I am. I don't mind being alone, and I'm not really alone, I look forward to coming home to Gracie and Sam and I know they miss me too.
But, for some reason, over night, I wound up back in the dark hole again. Have I ever told you, I hate roller coasters. This week has been a ride. So I woke up feeling very down in the dumps and so damn tired. I guess the need for sleep is catching up to me, since there were two nights last week that I didn't sleep at all. It was a beautiful day outside, blue sky, sunshine and went up to the mid sixties, But, I never went outside today; not even to check the mail...In fact I stayed in bed most of the day and slept, which also is so not me. I finally kicked myself in the backside, put the finishes touches on my application package, this is without a doubt the best one I have ever submitted. I hit the GO Button before I could have anymore doubts. There it is done, I can't make any further changes, all I can do is sit back and wait. I am hoping that by sending it in, it will help relieve some of the anxiety.
So between submitting the resume and putting my thoughts into words, (which for some reason always seems to make me feel better), I am hoping to put this sadness behind me.
So tomorrow is a new day! I told Gracie that we are not staying in the house tomorrow! The plan is to get up before dawn and head out! Before any doubt can enter my mind. I want to find a quiet place to watch the sunrise and listen to the world wake up. Regain some of my inner peace, try to find some balance again. I'm tired of the ups and downs. I love the ups, but I can deal with anymore downs for a little while. So, I'm putting my positive and happy attitude and I am going to enjoy myself even if it kills me!
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