Roller Coaster Days - The Ups Are Great! The Downs Not So Much...

    This week has been one of those roller coaster weeks.  Last Saturday, Gracie and I headed out at the crack of dawn and had an amazing day.  We hit the dirt roads, the woods and the beach.  I gave the ol' camera a work out.  This past week at work has been a little bumpy. 
     The position at work I have been wanting to put in for has finally opened.  Along with the announcement came the anxiety.  I'm unsure if this is the right job for me?  I'm not sure if this is the right time for me to move on?  I'm not sure of what kind of stress this new position will place on me?  Am I going to be able to handle that stress?  I know I am probably making a big deal out of nothing, but right now, I love my job!  I have the best job in the whole shop!  I work with the beat people,  I am proud of the close knit group we have become.  What if I take this new position and I hate it?  There is no going back. 
     I was home sick one day, I think that was from trying to eat some of my own cooking. (I should know better than that).  I couldn't seem to get the words to flow for my resume.  It was like pulling teeth.  Then things started to get a little better.  Back to work the next day, my coworkers cheering me up as usual and providing me with words of reassurance.  I set to work on that damn resume the next day and I had my confidence back, I was in a positive state of mind and I was happy.  I had finished my resume and I sent to a friend to review and some constructive criticism....When it came back the next morning, I told him, I felt like I was in High School and the English teacher had ripped me a new ass.  (for those of you that know....I was thinking of Mrs. McCandless at Ridley, she was always tough on me)  So after eating a piece of humble pie, I got started on my homework, made the corrections, considered the suggestions and put together the best resume I've ever had. 
     Then I got a call from the Counselor.  You know the one the doctor told me three weeks ago to go see.  Well they finally got back to me and want me to come in.  I hemmed and hawed, told her I didn't think that it was right for me, I really didn't want to go.  I was feeling good!  She says I need to come in, just to pick up a book she has for me about coping with grief.  It is quite obvious, she is not taking "NO" for an answer, this is the third time I have tried to give her the slip.  She's a nice lady, knows me from my photography, she starts digging into the sore subjects, opening up memories of Don, wanting to talk about how I lost him, bringing on the pain and tears I haven't seen or felt for over a week.  I knew this was going to happen.  Taking a plunge to dark deep recesses again!  I think they get satisfied once they get the tears.  They feel like they have accomplished their job.  (I'm going to remember that if I ever get caught in that situation again.  Just put on the waterworks early and then I can leave early).  Anyway I was released, she says I doing well and I DO NOT make another appointment.  (I was thinking to myself, I was doing well before I came in there, now I feel like crap)
     The next day I go back to work just so I can get cheered up.  I know most people dread going to work in the morning.  That really isn't me.  I go looking forward to harassing my coworkers and getting involved in my work, so I don't have to think of anything else.  After work I went to visit with Mom and Dad, we went out to dinner and had a good time.  They constantly worry about me, I keep telling them I'm OK and I am.  I don't mind being alone, and I'm not really alone, I look forward to coming home to Gracie and Sam and I know they miss me too.
     But, for some reason, over night, I wound up back in the dark hole again.  Have I ever told you, I hate roller coasters.  This week has been a ride.  So I woke up feeling very down in the dumps and so damn tired.  I guess the need for sleep is catching up to me, since there were two nights last week that I didn't sleep at all.  It was a beautiful day outside, blue sky, sunshine and went up to the mid sixties, But, I never went outside today; not even to check the mail...In fact I stayed in bed most of the day and slept, which also is so not me.  I finally kicked myself in the backside, put the finishes touches on my application package, this is without a doubt the best one I have ever submitted.  I hit the GO Button before I could have anymore doubts.  There it is done, I can't make any further changes, all I can do is sit back and wait.  I am hoping that by sending it in, it will help relieve some of the anxiety.
     So between submitting the resume and putting my thoughts into words, (which for some reason always seems to make me feel better), I am hoping to put this sadness behind me.
     So tomorrow is a new day!  I told Gracie that we are not staying in the house tomorrow!  The plan is to get up before dawn and head out!  Before any doubt can enter my mind.  I want to find a quiet place to watch the sunrise and listen to the world wake up.  Regain some of my inner peace, try to find some balance again.  I'm tired of the ups and downs.  I love the ups, but I can deal with anymore downs for a little while.  So, I'm putting my positive and happy attitude and I am going to enjoy myself even if it kills me!

Losing My Mind, Losing Time, Feeling Pain and they call it "Normal"??

     I had an extra long weekend, it started with my crazy Friday; was suppose to go though to Monday with Martin Luther King Day and back to work on Tuesday.  I know I sound like a broken record but things in my head are getting worse, the pain in my heart is sharper and more constant.  I try to keep busy during the day.  I was working in the yard Monday, it felt good being outside and working with my plants, so I run around to Don's shop to get my shovel and I start looking around at all his things and how he managed to rearrange things, build things while not being able to get around so good and not giving in, he just kept at it.  I sat down on one of the chairs, admiring him for his tenacity and memories start flowing, I'm smiling thinking about how much he enjoyed being out here..."piddling", as he called it.  I just zoned out, next thing I know tears are flowing, my face is wet and almost thirty minutes had passed.  My heart was racing, my stomach was queasy and I felt shaky.  I honestly have no idea where that time went.  It seems to be happening more frequently.  I pulled up in the yard the other day in my old truck and was looking at the front of the house, the ramp, the Nissan and twenty minutes later I realized I was still in the truck. 
     This morning I woke up early, it was not a very restful night, got my clothes together, got my morning wake up call, chattering away at the fur babies...sat down to put my fuzzy socks on, 'cause dang it was cold this morning... and BOOM out of no where my heart starts racing, I feel queasy, shaky and crying my eyes out.  Why??  I don't know.  So thirty minutes later Al calls back cause we chat on our way to work everyday and asked what was wrong...my reply, "I don't know, my head is screwed up".  He starts about going to counseling and talking to somebody, that their are people who go through this everyday.  Well, I'm  not real good about letting too many people into my head or heart.  I can't picture myself in a support group or group counseling.  I know a lot people find comfort in that, sharing their experiences with others who have or are travelling that same road.  Honestly, I don't know if I can handle hearing about someone else's misery.  I feel bad enough.
     So I figured I would let my fingers do the walking and started looking up how to handle the grief of losing someone suddenly on line. I think that is the hardest problem I have...is the suddenly part.  Anytime to you lose a loved one, spouse, friend or family member it is difficult.  I have never handled death well.  I rarely make it to a funeral and almost never to the casket, open or closed, I just don't want to remember them that way.  But, I have been fortunate to not lose many people close to me, I mean really close to me.  Anyway, the suddenly part kills me.  I didn't get to say goodbye!  It was "I love you and I will see you soon baby", Don kept saying "don't worry, everything is going to be fine, it's all in God's hands and I love you too baby".  We were taking selfies and pictures of him with his surgery cap on as he was leaving the room.  It wasn't suppose to be a goodbye.
     So, I go online and find out that I am not going crazy.  That what I am experiencing is somewhat typical.  Many call it "Grief Work", 'cause you have to work to be able to deal with the loss.  The discouraging part is there is no time line, no order of events, everyone deals with it differently.  So with this knowledge that I could be losing my mind indefinitely, I also decide to call my family doctor.  They were so kind to take me right away.  They are very familiar with Our Story.
     So, I tell Doc what is going on and how things seem to be getting worse, how I am finding it more difficult to deal with life without Don, that as time passes it is hurting more. how I am losing time, zoning out and all of the above.  He says it's normal...I can't believe this could be normal...that I am experiencing anxiety attacks and that he could help me with some temporary meds to get me over the hump....but that I should also speak to a "Grief Counselor".  That is not really what I wanted to hear.  I expressed to him, how I don't really open up to strangers, I don't like people to see me at my weakest moments, I don't like people to see me cry and that I don't really think that is "My Thing".  He assured me this person is great, they will put me at ease and maybe they can help me to start healing.  He would no longer hear my lame excuses and said he would set it up.  I guess we will take it "One Day At A Time", I have decided not to brood on this counselor thing...at least not until they call to schedule my appointment that is.
     I do know that something has to give.  Things can't really get back to normal, my normal was taking care of Don and he is gone.  I guess I need to find a new normal.  Then again Normal and Debbie aren't often in the same sentence.  Ha!   I do however, find some comfort in writing this blog and I am sure one day I will look back on it and think...boy I was a wimp. 

     I will keep praying that God will give me strength, enlighten me and continue to care for my family and friends.  I don't know what I would do without my family...parents, brother, fur babies and friends are too many to list but I do owe a special thanks to Kenny who makes me laugh, reminds me of the "Days of the Empire", shops with me via text messages at Wal-mart and listens to my sorrows and to Al for my morning wake up call, our morning conversations, listening to me wallow in my grief, for not giving up and continuing to push me to get help.  Friendships and relationships are funny the way they can endure time and pick right back up, like nothing happened.  Thank you! 

Why can't it all be that easy?