The Roller Coaster Ride Continues....Leading to New Challenges!

     This past week has been a little rough on me.  Friday, the 15th, would have been our 16th wedding anniversary.  I went to work that  day and I stayed real busy, no time for those thoughts!  But at the end of the hectic day, as I am unwinding and driving home in my old truck.  It hits me, I mean really hits me.  It's hard to explain, I get so mad at myself for breaking down, giving in to tears and sorrow.  I feel like I'm not in control of myself.  These feelings and memories just overwhelm me sometimes and I hate it!  I don't want to be the weak, teary eyed widow...(you know how I feel about that word!)  I'm no good at this grieving thing.  I wish there was a timeline, tell me how long I have to feel like this, tell me how long until I don't get blindsided anymore.  So I have decided that things are picking up at work and I am going to bury myself in my job and my art shows, until I can come out feeling like me again.  I get so mad at myself, I spent the weekend wallowing in my self pity and getting absolutely nothing accomplished.  I don't have time for this behavior.  My home sometimes feels like a black hole in space.  If I don't get out early in the morning, I will spend the entire day lost inside..no matter how pretty the weather is, how much I want to go do something it's like I just lose time and I lose myself.  So there was the downside to my weekend on Sunday morning I did finally head out and went for a nice long ride with Gracie and my camera, we enjoyed the sunshine and warm weather, but I still didn't feel good about myself.
     As you may remember from my last post, I had a interview for a supervisory position at work.  Well, I went to that interview and I felt good about it when I came out.  So that was last Tuesday, today I went to work, took my lunch break and when I came back, I checked my email.  There was the letter offering me job!  I got it!  Now comes a whole new wave of feelings....can I do this, am I ready to take this position, am I crazy for leaving the job I love and will I succeed at being a leader...not a boss...a leader.  I'm excited, yet doubtful.  I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.  I think that due to my circumstances and where I am in my life; with nothing else or anyone who requires my time other than my furbabies,  That this could be a very good thing.  A chance to bury my grief and sorrow in this new endeavor, pay off the debt I was left and that we have incurred.  Maybe I can treat myself to a new or newer truck later this year...Or maybe, just maybe...I can retire early, say within the next ten years or so.  I still want the time to do my photography, because after all; that is my sanity and I love doing the art shows.  As of right now....the roller coaster is on the upswing, I'm hoping it stays there for a long time.  I have had enough of the deep, dark downhill slides.
     So, I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who gave me words of encouragement and that had the confidence in me that I was lacking at the time.  Once again, my friends and family have provided me with the emotional support I needed to get through my time of self doubt.  I love you!

Changes....Is this what I want?

     Hey ya'll!  I know it has been a long time since I have written.  Life has been going well for the most part.  More Ups than Downs.  The Downs still hit me hard but not quite as often.  It seems I manage to come out of them quicker.  In general, life is good.  I got to see my brother and his family last month, that is always a treat, his girls are growing up so quick and turning into beautiful young ladies.  I have done a couple art shows out on Saint Simons Island and I have been truly Blessed.  The weather was good and the sales were awesome.  Some of my best shows yet!  My full time job has been wonderful!  I work with the best group of people, all of Shop 31 is special to me, but my guys in the Air & Hydraulics Shop are without a doubt the Best.  I am proud to say I am part of that group.  I tell everyone, I have the best job in the shop, I love my job!! 
     So, here come the changes...I have decided the best way to deal with grief, depression, death whatever you want to call it, is throw yourself into something else.  I have decided to throw myself into my work and into my photography as much as possible.  They are hiring for some supervisor positions in Shop 31.  I use to want this job so badly, but it never worked out and I backed out for a while.  But now I'm thinking I have no other responsibilities to worry about and maybe now is the time to commit.  I'm thinking if I can manage to get selected and to do this, if I put my all into it....Maybe I can retire early...like in ten years or so.  I can get out of debt and build my nest egg, and thinking of buying a new truck later this year.
     I submitted my Resume, the best I think I have ever put together and apparently it paid off.  I made the "Cert" as they call it.  Now I have been scheduled for an interview.  This is where I lose all my self confidence...can you believe that??  I can be Bold as Brass sometimes...ok most times.  But when I step into that room, it's like my brain stays in the waiting room.  My interview is scheduled for 9:30 Tuesday morning, as in tomorrow!  I have been reviewing everything I think they will possibly ask about safety, employees, contracts, duties, command policy, EEO, sexual harassment....sexual harassment could be my downfall!  Although, I harass everyone equally.  I do not discriminate!  I hope that counts for something!
     So, I know I am rambling and I don't really know what I want.  But I am going to give my best!  If you happen to think about it....cross your fingers for me tomorrow morning.  Keep on Smiling!

Roller Coaster Days - The Ups Are Great! The Downs Not So Much...

    This week has been one of those roller coaster weeks.  Last Saturday, Gracie and I headed out at the crack of dawn and had an amazing day.  We hit the dirt roads, the woods and the beach.  I gave the ol' camera a work out.  This past week at work has been a little bumpy. 
     The position at work I have been wanting to put in for has finally opened.  Along with the announcement came the anxiety.  I'm unsure if this is the right job for me?  I'm not sure if this is the right time for me to move on?  I'm not sure of what kind of stress this new position will place on me?  Am I going to be able to handle that stress?  I know I am probably making a big deal out of nothing, but right now, I love my job!  I have the best job in the whole shop!  I work with the beat people,  I am proud of the close knit group we have become.  What if I take this new position and I hate it?  There is no going back. 
     I was home sick one day, I think that was from trying to eat some of my own cooking. (I should know better than that).  I couldn't seem to get the words to flow for my resume.  It was like pulling teeth.  Then things started to get a little better.  Back to work the next day, my coworkers cheering me up as usual and providing me with words of reassurance.  I set to work on that damn resume the next day and I had my confidence back, I was in a positive state of mind and I was happy.  I had finished my resume and I sent to a friend to review and some constructive criticism....When it came back the next morning, I told him, I felt like I was in High School and the English teacher had ripped me a new ass.  (for those of you that know....I was thinking of Mrs. McCandless at Ridley, she was always tough on me)  So after eating a piece of humble pie, I got started on my homework, made the corrections, considered the suggestions and put together the best resume I've ever had. 
     Then I got a call from the Counselor.  You know the one the doctor told me three weeks ago to go see.  Well they finally got back to me and want me to come in.  I hemmed and hawed, told her I didn't think that it was right for me, I really didn't want to go.  I was feeling good!  She says I need to come in, just to pick up a book she has for me about coping with grief.  It is quite obvious, she is not taking "NO" for an answer, this is the third time I have tried to give her the slip.  She's a nice lady, knows me from my photography, she starts digging into the sore subjects, opening up memories of Don, wanting to talk about how I lost him, bringing on the pain and tears I haven't seen or felt for over a week.  I knew this was going to happen.  Taking a plunge to dark deep recesses again!  I think they get satisfied once they get the tears.  They feel like they have accomplished their job.  (I'm going to remember that if I ever get caught in that situation again.  Just put on the waterworks early and then I can leave early).  Anyway I was released, she says I doing well and I DO NOT make another appointment.  (I was thinking to myself, I was doing well before I came in there, now I feel like crap)
     The next day I go back to work just so I can get cheered up.  I know most people dread going to work in the morning.  That really isn't me.  I go looking forward to harassing my coworkers and getting involved in my work, so I don't have to think of anything else.  After work I went to visit with Mom and Dad, we went out to dinner and had a good time.  They constantly worry about me, I keep telling them I'm OK and I am.  I don't mind being alone, and I'm not really alone, I look forward to coming home to Gracie and Sam and I know they miss me too.
     But, for some reason, over night, I wound up back in the dark hole again.  Have I ever told you, I hate roller coasters.  This week has been a ride.  So I woke up feeling very down in the dumps and so damn tired.  I guess the need for sleep is catching up to me, since there were two nights last week that I didn't sleep at all.  It was a beautiful day outside, blue sky, sunshine and went up to the mid sixties, But, I never went outside today; not even to check the mail...In fact I stayed in bed most of the day and slept, which also is so not me.  I finally kicked myself in the backside, put the finishes touches on my application package, this is without a doubt the best one I have ever submitted.  I hit the GO Button before I could have anymore doubts.  There it is done, I can't make any further changes, all I can do is sit back and wait.  I am hoping that by sending it in, it will help relieve some of the anxiety.
     So between submitting the resume and putting my thoughts into words, (which for some reason always seems to make me feel better), I am hoping to put this sadness behind me.
     So tomorrow is a new day!  I told Gracie that we are not staying in the house tomorrow!  The plan is to get up before dawn and head out!  Before any doubt can enter my mind.  I want to find a quiet place to watch the sunrise and listen to the world wake up.  Regain some of my inner peace, try to find some balance again.  I'm tired of the ups and downs.  I love the ups, but I can deal with anymore downs for a little while.  So, I'm putting my positive and happy attitude and I am going to enjoy myself even if it kills me!

The Weatherman Says....

     Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't like the Weatherman, or I guess the politically correct version would be Weatherperson.  All they do is talk, talk, talk, get the public to run and spend money that they don't have to stock up for the "Big Storm"; that goes 100 miles north, where they aren't prepared and you are stuck eating Beanie Weenies for the next two weeks.  Sure they hit the nail on the head with the large snow storm a few weeks ago up North...Thank God it was up North, but a broken clock is correct at least twice a day!  They do not hold a candle to a broken clock...  The Weatherperson has ruined many of my weekends, with the Art Shows.  No rain in sight, only a ten percent chance of rain and I wind up looking like a drowned rat by 2:00 pm.  Or the other one, which I don't mind as much, other than it affects what I display; so therefore there is less of a chance of selling.  "There will be an 80 percent chance of rain, thunder storms through out the day, a good day to stay indoors".  So what do your customers do...stay home, I put out less stock so nothing gets ruined.  Sun shines all day and no one is out wandering about.  So I hope that explains my love of the Weatherperson.
     So like any fool who is suffering from Spring Fever in February, I am going to put some faith in the almighty Weatherperson.  It has been a beautiful week, I fought the urge all week to leave work early, or stay home and play hooky.  Some of my best photos were acquired on a "Sick" day!  But I responsibly stayed at work, saved my time and the Weatherperson says Mother Nature is going to reward me this weekend!  Tomorrow is suppose to be Sunny and 73 glorious degrees!  How can you not have be bitten by the Spring Fever Bug with that kind of weather??
     As many of you know, my camera and I have cooled off our love affair a lot since Don's passing.  It's just not the same going out riding without my navigator, my honey, my friend.  So, I have been trying to raise my spirits lately, get my positive Happy attitude back.  I would be lying if I said it was easy to do.  I manage to do well at work, my coworkers are awesome, my guys don't give me chance to brood, if they notice a weak moment...they quickly slap me out of it...sometimes literally!  They will never no how much that means to me.  My days go by quick, I can't help but smile at them, the way they let me harass them and abuse them daily.  But when my work day is over, I often go home to the empty house.  God knows Gracie and Sam are starving for my attention and affection.  I walk in the door with lots of plans to get things done and then all motivation leaves me.  I enjoy being alone in my home.  But I think sometimes the memories are holding me back, swallowing my time.  I often feel like I lose myself once I come home from work.  I can lose hours at a time.  God Bless my friends who call almost daily, or chat via text or Facebook and the email I look so forward to.  They will never know how they are helping me to recover.  Don't get me wrong, my parents are always there, always asking me to stop by after work, or to call and chat.  But, it's just not the same.
     Anyway, the Weatherperson has raised my hopes.  The Camera battery is charging as I write this and my intentions are to get out of the house before the sun even thinks about rising, so that the shadows of doubt cannot make me change my mind or steal my motivation.  My co-pilot will be little Miss Gracie herself.  I truly do doubt her ability to read the maps or Google for directions, but she is good company, energetic and one of my favorite photo models.  So beware, there will most likely be a few Gracie pics on Facebook tomorrow.  I'm not really sure where we are going or where we will wind up.  I'm thinking sunrise on the beach, with breeze and the sound of the surf coming in.  From there...who knows??  I guess wherever they old blue Chevy wants to take us, without overheating.  I need to give her some attention too, but you can't possibly give up Sunny and 73 in February to stay home and work on a truck...It's Just Not Right!
     Please wish me luck on regaining my love for the outdoors and my camera.  I often refer to my Photography as my Sanity.  This could get ugly, if I can't rekindle this flame.  Y'all enjoy the day!

The Worst and The Best

     I would like to think that the worst part of my life is over.  I know there are people who have experienced things I can't even imagine and I don't want to.  I know it's unrealistic to think I will not endure suffering, loss or pain again in my lifetime.  Somehow, I am sure I will have my share.  That's the risk of loving and caring for others.  I certainly don't look forward to it; But I am strong, I am tough, I will make it through turbulent times, I will survive and I will continue to try and find the positive and bright side of life.  I am an optimist and I believe in happiness.  You are the only one who can truly decide if you can be Happy.
     My biggest fear is that the Best Times of my life are over.  Will I just go on existing?  I had found true love.  I think of our marriage, and it had its ups and downs, but it worked and it was special.  We had our problems early in our marriage, but overcame them and became stronger.  We didn't have any children other than our fur babies, so we spoiled each other.  My friends would tease that we were perfect for each other:  Don knew good jewelry and I knew all about tools.  We had a lot of fun and Don always encouraged me in anything I have ever done.  I was into yard work and plants, he would dig holes anywhere and everywhere I wanted, built planting tables, build flower beds, cut down trees, shopped for plants, and not complain, just don't expect him to do the weeding...ha.  I started selling my plants, he helped, he tried to learn his flowers and he tried to help me with rooting and planting and mostly he made me laugh.  When I wanted a camera to photograph my flowers, he bought me one. 
     I got into fishing real big.  I mean everyday.  I had a habit.  After work I would meet with my Dad and we would fish until 11 or 12 at night.  Then I would come home go to sleep, get up in a few hours go to work, and repeat...Don was working with the Sheriff's Office, working nights so he never complained.  When he wasn't working, he often came fishing with us.  He bought me quality fishing gear, rods, reels, tackle, a cart for my stuff and never complained.  He would raise an eyebrow, when he would get home before me at 2 am.  But he would just laugh, cuddle up next to me and asked if I caught a fish.
     He bought me that first camera and I soon ditched the plants and the fishing and he never complained about the money invested into my hobbies.  When the photos started looking really good, I decided I wanted to do a festival and some art shows.  No problem, he built my display, gave up his free weekends to set up my display and carry all boxes.  Never complained about the money being spent on this adventure.  Only encouraged me.  Then when it took off and became a success, he was right there.  We would go out of town to do shows, he started making frames, buying more equipment, anything I needed....I got.  Even after his accident, he still wanted me to do the shows and he still came out help anyway he could.  When I first started running dirt roads to take photos, he would come along once in while.  He wasn't a morning person, but often he would get up early to go catch the sunrise with me.  I think when he first started riding with me, he did it just because....But he came to really enjoy it.  I tried to teach him his birds, much like his flowers ...he tried.  The last couple years every weekend was out on the road, just being together, seeing what we could get into.  He was always willing, I know he was hurting and in pain, told him we could stay home, but then he wanted to ride.  We always made it work, we had good times and bad.  I wouldn't trade any of it.
    Poor Don would catch hell from my Mom at Christmas, he would shop, and get so excited about what he got me, he couldn't wait for Christmas.  He would give it to me early.  He had been out shopping one week and had bought me a diamond tennis bracelet for Christmas in October.  He tried to hold out, but one night while working on the interstate, there was an accident and it involved a little girl, she was in bad shape and she passed away in Don's arms.  They told him to go home early, he walked in the door went to the closet came out and gave me a box.  I told him to wait til Christmas and his reply was "you don't know what tomorrow holds, what can happen next and I want you to have this Now and know that I Love You."  That's just the way things were.  He bought me diamonds, lots of them, necklaces, earrings, bracelets; I told him I don't go anywhere to wear all this fancy stuff...his reply: wear it everyday and enjoy it.  He told me to wear it to work.....I work in a machine shop and I went to work wearing diamonds.....
     After this last accident, we both truly knew how important it was to live each day like it was your last.  In many ways that accident made our marriage stronger and better.  We spent many hours together, we talked, we laughed and we loved each other completely.
     How can ANYTHING ever top that?   I was fortunate to find my true love 17 years ago.  I will never have that again.  I don't think anyone could love me as completely as Don, give me all the freedom and encouragement that he gave me.
     Therefore, I know things can always be worse....but I have experienced the Best.  I will continue to go on, I will do my best in life and I will try to continue to be Happy.  I'm just not real sure what I have to look forward to.... in the long term.  One day at a time, I suppose.

Another Letter to You...

     I know it's been a few weeks since I last wrote to you and I sure do wish I could talk to you!  I guess your cell won't get a signal...  Baby, I miss you so much.  My afternoons and evenings, which use to seem so rushed and never had enough time or hours in the day, now they just drag on endlessly.  I never knew the night could last so long, especially when sleep doesn't come easily.  I miss you laying beside me, rubbing my back, snuggling, and kissing me good night.  This bed is way too big for just me.  It's too big for me, Gracie, Sam and Susie if she would stay up here with me.  Our fur babies miss you something terrible too.  They are at my feet constantly.  I have my huge teddy bear that you bought me a few years ago for Valentine's Day, I even put on of your sweatshirts on it,  The one I bought you from Cracker Barrel, it is so soft and still smells like you.  He sits on your side of the bed, he fills some space and I often lay with my head on its chest and think of you.  I can't believe that it has only been eight weeks since I lost you, some days it feels just like yesterday and other times the way the day drags on it seems so much longer. 
     I know you tell me not to question why God does what he does and everyone says you're "in a better place", I always thought our place was a good place.  Not a castle, but it was ours and we were together.  I'm trying to understand His plan, but I still keeping thinking of our plans.  The future we had planned.  Some people say my life is easier now, I don't have to worry and I don't have to take care you.  That makes me so sad when they say that.  I never minded helping you or doing for you, yes I guess I would get flustered sometimes...but I think you knew, that if I minded or if I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't have.  I know you would have done the same for me.
     I know I'm going to get through this, I am doing better and getting my act together.  Things have been a bit hectic at work lately, but it keeps me busy, that part of the day goes by quick and of  course my guys I work with are the best.  They keep me on my toes and keep my mind occupied.  I hear there are some job openings coming up; planner and supervisor, I find myself considering this more and more, it may help fill the void.  It would definitely help out financially, let me get out of debt and possibly retire early, like we talked about.  My fear is that I won't have time to do my Art Shows and Photography, but then again...lately the drive to do my photos has not been there.  That and the fact that I love my job right now, the position I'm in, the work I do and the people I work with.  I don't think I want to leave the shop for a planner job and sometimes I'm not sure if the supervisor role is really for me.  You know I'm not very politically correct, I speak my mind out loud and I will probably get fired for harassment or hostile work environment when I throw something at someone...Ha Ha.  I wish you were here to give me your input and suggestions.
     The weekends....I miss our weekend adventures!  I try to go out and ride, the dirt roads aren't the same without you telling me how to drive, where to turn, to keep my eyes on the road...  I have been taking Gracie with me, but she gets whiny when I go down an old bumpy dirt road.  She still likes when we go "puddling"  she loves to watch the splash of the water.  I took her to Jekyll the other day and we were on the road around Tidelands with the white rock and sand, this was after it rained with giant puddles.  I hit everyone of them for her, she was barking and the little tail was just a wagging, until the wind caught the water and splashed back on her...little miss priss didn't care for that and my poor old truck is covered in that white dust and mud.  Dad was teasing me about it the other night.  Mom and Dad, of course, have been wonderful.  We are spending more time together and going out to dinner, they have come over here a couple times to visit, Dad has been keeping the grass cut and trimming up the trees.  I don't know what I would do without them.  I wish you could see them with their smart phones.  Dad is using your LG and he loves it!  They sure do keep me busy with "Tech Support" sometimes, but I don't mind.  I'm just glad they finally came into the 21st century.
     Michael Hulett is playing at Mary Ross Park tomorrow from 10am to 2 pm.  I think I'm going to go down and see them.  Michael and Jim are such wonderful people and they miss you so much too.  Michael is so talented and staying really busy.  I'm afraid if I don't get to see them this week, I won't get to see them for a long time.  Hoping he doesn't play "Our song" until I get there.  I know I will be tearful, but it is only because of my fond memories.
     Well Baby, I must admit writing this little letter to you has made me feel better.  I have always found some comfort in writing.  Again, I know I am going to get through this, it is not easy and I know you wouldn't want me to quit living.  You were always my biggest fan, you always told me I could do anything and succeed at it.  Right now, this is my biggest challenge...getting over missing you.  I find myself smiling more and crying less at all our memories, I think that is the way it should be.  Until next time....I love you and miss you Baby!