The Worst and The Best

     I would like to think that the worst part of my life is over.  I know there are people who have experienced things I can't even imagine and I don't want to.  I know it's unrealistic to think I will not endure suffering, loss or pain again in my lifetime.  Somehow, I am sure I will have my share.  That's the risk of loving and caring for others.  I certainly don't look forward to it; But I am strong, I am tough, I will make it through turbulent times, I will survive and I will continue to try and find the positive and bright side of life.  I am an optimist and I believe in happiness.  You are the only one who can truly decide if you can be Happy.
     My biggest fear is that the Best Times of my life are over.  Will I just go on existing?  I had found true love.  I think of our marriage, and it had its ups and downs, but it worked and it was special.  We had our problems early in our marriage, but overcame them and became stronger.  We didn't have any children other than our fur babies, so we spoiled each other.  My friends would tease that we were perfect for each other:  Don knew good jewelry and I knew all about tools.  We had a lot of fun and Don always encouraged me in anything I have ever done.  I was into yard work and plants, he would dig holes anywhere and everywhere I wanted, built planting tables, build flower beds, cut down trees, shopped for plants, and not complain, just don't expect him to do the weeding...ha.  I started selling my plants, he helped, he tried to learn his flowers and he tried to help me with rooting and planting and mostly he made me laugh.  When I wanted a camera to photograph my flowers, he bought me one. 
     I got into fishing real big.  I mean everyday.  I had a habit.  After work I would meet with my Dad and we would fish until 11 or 12 at night.  Then I would come home go to sleep, get up in a few hours go to work, and repeat...Don was working with the Sheriff's Office, working nights so he never complained.  When he wasn't working, he often came fishing with us.  He bought me quality fishing gear, rods, reels, tackle, a cart for my stuff and never complained.  He would raise an eyebrow, when he would get home before me at 2 am.  But he would just laugh, cuddle up next to me and asked if I caught a fish.
     He bought me that first camera and I soon ditched the plants and the fishing and he never complained about the money invested into my hobbies.  When the photos started looking really good, I decided I wanted to do a festival and some art shows.  No problem, he built my display, gave up his free weekends to set up my display and carry all boxes.  Never complained about the money being spent on this adventure.  Only encouraged me.  Then when it took off and became a success, he was right there.  We would go out of town to do shows, he started making frames, buying more equipment, anything I needed....I got.  Even after his accident, he still wanted me to do the shows and he still came out help anyway he could.  When I first started running dirt roads to take photos, he would come along once in while.  He wasn't a morning person, but often he would get up early to go catch the sunrise with me.  I think when he first started riding with me, he did it just because....But he came to really enjoy it.  I tried to teach him his birds, much like his flowers ...he tried.  The last couple years every weekend was out on the road, just being together, seeing what we could get into.  He was always willing, I know he was hurting and in pain, told him we could stay home, but then he wanted to ride.  We always made it work, we had good times and bad.  I wouldn't trade any of it.
    Poor Don would catch hell from my Mom at Christmas, he would shop, and get so excited about what he got me, he couldn't wait for Christmas.  He would give it to me early.  He had been out shopping one week and had bought me a diamond tennis bracelet for Christmas in October.  He tried to hold out, but one night while working on the interstate, there was an accident and it involved a little girl, she was in bad shape and she passed away in Don's arms.  They told him to go home early, he walked in the door went to the closet came out and gave me a box.  I told him to wait til Christmas and his reply was "you don't know what tomorrow holds, what can happen next and I want you to have this Now and know that I Love You."  That's just the way things were.  He bought me diamonds, lots of them, necklaces, earrings, bracelets; I told him I don't go anywhere to wear all this fancy stuff...his reply: wear it everyday and enjoy it.  He told me to wear it to work.....I work in a machine shop and I went to work wearing diamonds.....
     After this last accident, we both truly knew how important it was to live each day like it was your last.  In many ways that accident made our marriage stronger and better.  We spent many hours together, we talked, we laughed and we loved each other completely.
     How can ANYTHING ever top that?   I was fortunate to find my true love 17 years ago.  I will never have that again.  I don't think anyone could love me as completely as Don, give me all the freedom and encouragement that he gave me.
     Therefore, I know things can always be worse....but I have experienced the Best.  I will continue to go on, I will do my best in life and I will try to continue to be Happy.  I'm just not real sure what I have to look forward to.... in the long term.  One day at a time, I suppose.

Another Letter to You...

     I know it's been a few weeks since I last wrote to you and I sure do wish I could talk to you!  I guess your cell won't get a signal...  Baby, I miss you so much.  My afternoons and evenings, which use to seem so rushed and never had enough time or hours in the day, now they just drag on endlessly.  I never knew the night could last so long, especially when sleep doesn't come easily.  I miss you laying beside me, rubbing my back, snuggling, and kissing me good night.  This bed is way too big for just me.  It's too big for me, Gracie, Sam and Susie if she would stay up here with me.  Our fur babies miss you something terrible too.  They are at my feet constantly.  I have my huge teddy bear that you bought me a few years ago for Valentine's Day, I even put on of your sweatshirts on it,  The one I bought you from Cracker Barrel, it is so soft and still smells like you.  He sits on your side of the bed, he fills some space and I often lay with my head on its chest and think of you.  I can't believe that it has only been eight weeks since I lost you, some days it feels just like yesterday and other times the way the day drags on it seems so much longer. 
     I know you tell me not to question why God does what he does and everyone says you're "in a better place", I always thought our place was a good place.  Not a castle, but it was ours and we were together.  I'm trying to understand His plan, but I still keeping thinking of our plans.  The future we had planned.  Some people say my life is easier now, I don't have to worry and I don't have to take care you.  That makes me so sad when they say that.  I never minded helping you or doing for you, yes I guess I would get flustered sometimes...but I think you knew, that if I minded or if I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't have.  I know you would have done the same for me.
     I know I'm going to get through this, I am doing better and getting my act together.  Things have been a bit hectic at work lately, but it keeps me busy, that part of the day goes by quick and of  course my guys I work with are the best.  They keep me on my toes and keep my mind occupied.  I hear there are some job openings coming up; planner and supervisor, I find myself considering this more and more, it may help fill the void.  It would definitely help out financially, let me get out of debt and possibly retire early, like we talked about.  My fear is that I won't have time to do my Art Shows and Photography, but then again...lately the drive to do my photos has not been there.  That and the fact that I love my job right now, the position I'm in, the work I do and the people I work with.  I don't think I want to leave the shop for a planner job and sometimes I'm not sure if the supervisor role is really for me.  You know I'm not very politically correct, I speak my mind out loud and I will probably get fired for harassment or hostile work environment when I throw something at someone...Ha Ha.  I wish you were here to give me your input and suggestions.
     The weekends....I miss our weekend adventures!  I try to go out and ride, the dirt roads aren't the same without you telling me how to drive, where to turn, to keep my eyes on the road...  I have been taking Gracie with me, but she gets whiny when I go down an old bumpy dirt road.  She still likes when we go "puddling"  she loves to watch the splash of the water.  I took her to Jekyll the other day and we were on the road around Tidelands with the white rock and sand, this was after it rained with giant puddles.  I hit everyone of them for her, she was barking and the little tail was just a wagging, until the wind caught the water and splashed back on her...little miss priss didn't care for that and my poor old truck is covered in that white dust and mud.  Dad was teasing me about it the other night.  Mom and Dad, of course, have been wonderful.  We are spending more time together and going out to dinner, they have come over here a couple times to visit, Dad has been keeping the grass cut and trimming up the trees.  I don't know what I would do without them.  I wish you could see them with their smart phones.  Dad is using your LG and he loves it!  They sure do keep me busy with "Tech Support" sometimes, but I don't mind.  I'm just glad they finally came into the 21st century.
     Michael Hulett is playing at Mary Ross Park tomorrow from 10am to 2 pm.  I think I'm going to go down and see them.  Michael and Jim are such wonderful people and they miss you so much too.  Michael is so talented and staying really busy.  I'm afraid if I don't get to see them this week, I won't get to see them for a long time.  Hoping he doesn't play "Our song" until I get there.  I know I will be tearful, but it is only because of my fond memories.
     Well Baby, I must admit writing this little letter to you has made me feel better.  I have always found some comfort in writing.  Again, I know I am going to get through this, it is not easy and I know you wouldn't want me to quit living.  You were always my biggest fan, you always told me I could do anything and succeed at it.  Right now, this is my biggest challenge...getting over missing you.  I find myself smiling more and crying less at all our memories, I think that is the way it should be.  Until next time....I love you and miss you Baby!

Widow...

Widow....that is a word I associate with little old ladies in black dresses and veils.  How can I possibly be a widow?  I'm too young, I don't own a dress, let alone a black one; I have some gray hair...but not that much, really and I don't do veils!(that would be way too girlie).  I don't like being called a widow, or referenced to as Don Mumford's widow.  I am Don Mumford's wife!  Yes, he is gone, believe me, I know he is gone.  But why do we have to use the word widow.  Another thing I associate with that word...widow..is of course the Black Widow Spider and anybody who knows me, knows how I feel about spiders. It is NOT a good thing.  (Spiders could be removed from God's green Earth for all I care....I hate the creepy, eight legged, web weaving arachnids!)
Being called a widow, to me, is an instant reminder of death, of the loss I am experiencing, of the last moments I spent with Don, how we were smiling and laughing, how he kissed me as they wheeled him away, how I told him I loved him and would see him in a few hours..... when the doctors came out to tell me he was gone, of the intense pain and agony I felt at that exact moment.  When someone refers to me as Don's widow; it all comes rushing back in a whirlwind of emotions, I mean I actually feel lightheaded and uneasy in my stomach.  How can one word have that much power?  How am I going to get passed this?  I don't like labels or stereotypes...I'm just Debbie!

Time For A Little Road Trip, Dirt Road Therapy and Maybe Some Healing

     So far, today has been a good day.  Gracie, one of my fur babies, she's the little poodle, and I headed out early this morning around 6:00 am or so.  I would like to say Bright and early, but Lord knows there has not been much bright in the Georgia weather lately.  Speaking of weather, I have noticed a lot of alerts about river flooding and such,  I know the Altamaha over flows its banks a lot in Everett and I was speaking to my friend Mike, he performed the service for Don.  I tried to give him a little something for his time and he wouldn't have anything to do with it.  But he and his lovely bride, Angie enjoy my photos of the Lumber City Bridge, they have a couple prints from when the water was low.  So I decided to ride up there in search of a "high water picture of the Lumber City Bridge which spans the Ocmulgee River" so I can give them something special.
     So Gracie and I headed out Highway 32 and stopped over by Zirkle for some dirt road therapy, a run in the woods and sure enough the water along the Little Satilla River was high.  It was a nice pleasant drive.  Of course, it would have been better if Don had been with me.  I never worried about truck trouble, breaking down or how far we were going whenever he was with me.  This morning before I left, I caught myself, checking the oil, water and power steering fluid, which is a good thing.  But it is something I never had to worry about.
     Lumber City is about a hundred miles or so from Brunswick.  We hit all the small towns, Patterson, Alma, Hazlehurst and of course Lumber City.  I could not believe how high the water was.  I had to flip a couple u-turns, I could hear Don in my head saying "You can't do that", oh yes I can.  I got there just in time to catch a freight train running across the bridge.  I wasn't even sure if they used it anymore....see you can learn something new everyday.  I did manage to get some good shots and then we continued on up to McRae, I wanted to photograph the windmill also.  (If you are interested in seeing some of the photos you can check out my blog "The Beauty That Surrounds Us" at:  http://wildlifepersonalities.blogspot.com/  .  That is my photography Blog.
     I think our trip was it long for Gracie, she was getting restless and a little whiny.  On our return trip we came straight down Highway 341 through Baxley, Jesup, Gardi and a quick stop by the Altamaha River in Everett City.  But the Police wouldn't let us close to the river.  The road was closed about a mile before the park due to flooding and all the woods were flooded and the drains were running fast.
     We finally arrived home around 4:00 pm, all in all it was a good day. I did get some good pics and I most certainly thought about and missed my Don, but at least my eyes weren't leaking all day and I was able to smile at my fond memories.  Maybe healing is possible...I wish it could always be this easy.

A Letter to You....probably the first of many

     Well, it is Sunday evening after a long New Years weekend.  I think I managed the New Year pretty well for being alone for the first time in a long time.  I had a good cry, I held tight to my teddy bear that wears your sweatshirt and I had our fur babies beside me.  It doesn't help the fact that I miss you.  You know, I handle myself pretty well in the daylight hours.  I manage to keep myself busy with work and chores or Mom and Dad help occupy my time on the weekends, (I am so thankful for them), now with their new "Smartphones" I'm sure they will keep me hopping.  The nighttime hours are the worst!  I tell myself, "I will keep busy around the house until it's time to go to sleep and I'll be tired enough to nod right off".  But, that doesn't happen, I cannot lie down and go to bed without first thinking of you, missing you, wanting you beside me, my head on your shoulder and Gracie trying to worm in between us.....you left owing me a back rub.  The pain in my heart hurts as much tonight as the night you left me.  They say it will get better with time....How much time, I just don't know.  If it means I will begin to forget about you or love you less over time, then I don't see that happening.
     Sandi sent me a letter about death:

It is a beautiful letter and oh how I so wish it were true.  I agree that the time we spent together is untouched and unchanged, that what we meant to each is forever true, I still call your name, I still speak to you and you are never out of my mind....But everything has changed!  You are not here to greet when I come home, and though I speak your name easily; you don't reply, I don't get to see your smile or feel the warmth of your arms in a hug when I come home from work; there is nothing, I long to feel your hands on my shoulders as I sit and work at computer and there is nothing.  So how can it possibly be unchanged?  I know you are waiting, I know you are watching over me and I suppose there is some comfort in that.  But, it is not the same...Death may be nothing...but it changes everything.

     I know I am not suppose to question God, He has a plan, He knows what is right...But, you know me, I question everything.  How could He possibly think this right; to leave me alone here without you, after we have worked so hard to come this far.  I know you always say "when it's your time the Lord will call you home", well what determines when it's your time?  Did He take you to end your pain or suffering or did He take you because I did something wrong, is there something I need to be punished for?  If so, I wish He would let me know...I try to be a good person, I know I am far from perfect and I know I am not a churchgoer, but is this the price I have to pay for that?  You could never have found any one who would have loved you more than I did!  I guess I just don't understand how we can pray and pray and He takes you away from me the way He did.  Maybe you or someone up there can help enlighten me as to why?  It would be greatly appreciated!

     Then I often wonder, did we make the wrong decision?  Should I not have pushed you for the bypass?  Should we have opted for stents?  Should we have just gone home like you asked me once before?  I am tormented by these questions.

     Dammit Don, I miss you and I love you so much!  I am just as confused, bewildered and angry today as I was on that awful night that my whole world flipped upside down.....and they expect me to continue on as if nothing has changed....How am I suppose to do that?

     



Debbie, What do you mean: No Frills

     I had a friend ask me what I meant by "No Frills".  I had to chuckle, years ago my Mom shopped at Pathmark Supermarket in Pennsylvania and they had a brand called "No Frills".  There were no fancy ad campaigns, no pretty packages, no hype, just a white label with the name of the item.  Basically, what you see is what you get.  I guess that is the way I see myself:  what you see is what you get, especially when it comes to frills or frilly things.  My poor Mom so wanted a girly girl, one in frilly dresses, hair curled, make up and an office job.  Instead she got me: A blue jeans, t-shirt and boots kinda girl, a tomboy, a blue collar worker, a bit of a Redneck, a girl who doesn't mind getting her hands dirty, who likes driving an old pick up truck, running the dirt roads and who wants nothing...absolutely nothing to do with frilly dresses.  Thank God she loves me for who I am. 
    So anyway, the way I see it, a person should not have to put on airs for anyone.  If you can't accept me for who I really am, why should I try to be something I'm not? 
     So getting to know me: here are a few things about me and how I am.  I like to think of myself as an Optimist, things can always change, they can get better, it can be fixed and people are good at heart.  I try to be happy, cheerful and helpful.  I try to see the bright side of life and the good in all people.  This doesn't mean that I don't get sad, angry or mad, I just try to not let in get me down or dwell on it.  I try not to gossip, if it doesn't effect me or is outside my bubble, I let it go.  This does not mean I don't care about what happens to others because I do, I always seems to stand up for the underdog.  But people's personal business is just that...personal, if they want me to know, they will tell me. I don't have to pick it from the Grapevine and it certainly is not my place to make public.
     I am however; a smart ass and I know it.  I can be flippant at times, I am quick with a comeback, I specialize in Sarcasm and even considered brash and bold.  I often tell my friends and family...I'm not right in the head, I'm weird and I know it and I'm OK with it.  But in my defense, I work with men all day, I have done this for 24 years, I am a product of my environment...and besides...someone has to keep them in line....just kidding.  In all seriousness, I would have it no other way.  I love my job and I love my guys.  In the world of political correctness, sexual harassment and sensitive feelings, with my guys I don't have to worry about this, we aren't politically correct, sexual innuendo runs rampant among us and we all know better than to bring our feelings to work.  We do our work and try to have fun and laugh at the same time.  They are the Best.  They accept me for who I am, but they will be quick to agree that I'm not right in the head!  Ha
     I am bad about not always letting people get close to me.  I have lots of friends and I love them all, but rarely do any get to the inner sanctum.  As my friend Al says, I have high block and concrete protective walls built up around me.  He says he is going to knock them down one day.  I tend to be friends with men more than women.  Maybe because I work with them all day and I know they have my back and I can trust them.  Don't get me wrong, I have female friends, not many close ones, but I have a some.
     Currently, I am suffering.  Suffering the loss of my husband of 15 years, My Don.  My life damn near revolved around Don for the last 2 1/2 years after his accident and many medical problems.  This I try to do alone.  You know how it is, I don't want people to see me cry.  Anyway, I don't think I am going to heal as quickly as I thought.  There is a very large void in my life now.  Since I have those so called...big old walls around me.  I don't emotionally share this loss with anyone and I am good with that, it's the way I am made.  I don't mind being alone, well, I'm never alone, I have my furbabies and they are the only one's who really know all my secrets.
   That, my friends is where you come in.  Ha ha, you can't see me crying while I'm at the computer.  So. I am hoping you will allow me to share the good times and the bad with you through my writing.  Help me push through this difficult journey and maybe through this I can get an understanding of why things happen the way they do and why God works the way he does.  I miss Don something terrible.
     Well, here I go again getting off track, that seems to happen a lot lately.  I have been seriously lacking focus lately.  Anyway this is me..."No Frills", what you see is basically what you get.  I hope I don't offend anyone and if I unintentionally hurt your feelings, please bring it to my attention.  I welcome any and all constructive criticism, positive feedback or ideas to get me through this.  Remember it is a new year, a new chapter, you can always find a reason to be grateful and remember there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse than you do.  When you look at the big picture, objectively, we often see how Blessed we are and that our troubles or problems are minor and petty in the game of life.
  

Getting To Know Each Other

     Hi my name is Debbie.  First of all Happy New Year!  As you can tell from my profile, I have a job and I love it, I have a passion for photography and capturing the Beauty that Surrounds Us, I love the Georgia Coast, I love my poor old blue Chevy Pick Up Truck and I love exploring the dirt roads.
     I have my Family, I am Blessed to still have my Mom and Dad here on Earth with me and living close by me here in coastal Georgia.  I have a brother and his two beautiful daughters living in Pennsylvania, which is where I moved from 24 years ago.
     I have my furbabies, Susie aka Fat Susie is the oldest at about 15/16 years old.  She is Lhasa Apso/Terrier Mix, a small dog, (well she is suppose to be small), she was starving when we met and she hasn't missed a meal since.  Sam, he is a man of the house.  A soft little furry kitty cat that wouldn't harm a fly and then...there is Gracie.  She is the baby at 4/5 years old.  She is a Poodle and she knows she is too cute and that her place should be on your lap and your job is to rub her belly all day long!  They are all Rescues.  I use to think I rescued them, but lately I am realizing, they are rescuing me.
     I have extended Family, many Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, In-Laws near and far.
     I have my TRIDENT Refit Facility Family, more specifically my Shop 31 Work Family.  And I don't care what any one says, we are a true family, sometimes a dysfunctional family but a family nonetheless...we don't always get along, we don't always even like each other sometimes and that is OK, that is normal.  But when it comes to someone in need, they are there.  At least they have been there for me, on numerous occasions.  They have always stepped up to the plate and helped pick me up when I am down.  I don't know how I would have gotten by the last few years without them.
     I have my Festival Family, this is the eclectic and talented group and people who stand with me rain or shine, wind, cold and blistering heat to share our passion, the fruits of our labor with the public.  You should never underestimate this group of Treasures.  The support and love they have shown me in the short time I have known them is overwhelming.  Many have suffered tragedies of their own, they all work hard at what they do and they all have an unbelievable compassion for others. 
     Then there is my Social Media Family, My Facebook Family.  This is where many of my Families overlap and it is wonderful.  As silly as it sounds, it is amazing how much you can be a part of someone's life that you may have never met, or rarely see.  In some cases the impact is huge.  You can follow their travels, their happiness and joy, their trials and tribulations.  I can speak from experience, just knowing someone out there is thinking of you, praying for you, offering words of encouragement, taking time from their day to let you know that you matter; can make all the difference in the world.  To know that someone met you on FB and was so impacted by the pain or hardship you are going through, that they feel the need to take time from their busy schedule to look you up in person, to give you a hug of reassurance, a smile, a kind word and to let you know that you are not alone...it is very powerful and positive.
     What I don't have is My Don:  My husband, My Other Half, My White Knight, My Life Partner, My Friend.  You see, I lost Don on December 3, 2015 after open heart bypass surgery, they lost him in the recovery room.  To say my world has flipped upside down is an understatement.  This is a topic I am sure I will be re-addressing in future posts.

I have always liked to write and with the New Year starting, I thought maybe it would be good therapy to write about my feelings, focus on the good times we had, things that I am grateful for, figure out where I am headed in the future, trying to remain positive and to share this Journey into 2016...a new chapter begins.