It Is Perfect!

     Well, today is President's Day and I an happy to say that I am fortunate enough to have the day off.  And I have been rather lazy today.  Chillin' around the house with Gracie and chatting with some people online, listening to some music and basically doing nothing and it felt good.  I have enjoyed this three day weekend. 
     I worked liked a crazy person on Saturday to get prepared for the Art Show on Jekyll Island on Sunday; that was my own fault for letting things go for so long.  But, I managed to get a good bit done and I enjoyed the Show on Sunday.  It was great seeing so many familiar faces, "my snow birds" from all over the country, I truly look forward to seeing you all every year.  Even though I only get to see you and talk with you once or twice a year, be assured I don't forget you.  It also gives me a chance to catch with my Audubon friends, since it is also the weekend of the Great Backyard Bird Count.  I also love this show because it kicks off the Art Show and Festival Season and I get to catch up with my friends who also do the shows.  I always love catching up with them after a few months and see what kind of great and creative ideas they have come up with over the off season.
     I have to admit there were some difficult times, trying to keep smiling and being positive as people asked about Don.  Again, I haven't seen them, there is no way they could know.  Overall, I think I did well, thanks to the steady flow of people and not being able to dwell on his absence.  Although, my dear, sweet and talented friend Judi Marshall got to me.  Judi is one of my besties.  We met years ago doing a show in downtown Brunswick and we have been doing many, many shows together since then, often we are side by side on St. Simons Island.  She is a very talented potter and quite the amazing little lady.  She is a Godly woman who plays guitar in church, teaches pottery, goes on mission trips to Honduras, she has biked across the country, raised two sons....the list goes on.  I love her deeply, as did Don.  She was always so special to him and he was special to her.  When Don passed and I decided to opt for cremation, I couldn't decide and still can't determine where to bury or spread his ashes and I know some people consider it morbid, but until I decide they are here at the house with me.  For now I find comfort in that, I'm sure in time I will come to a conclusion.  In the meantime, I wanted an urn for his ashes.  I could think of no one else I would want to take this to task other than Judi.  Everything she does is original, one of a kind...just like Don.  I had asked Judi to make an urn for me, she happily accepted.  She gave me the urn on Sunday.  It is beautiful, blue with a gold Sheriff's Badge on the front, the lid has the Smokey Bear Hat on it.  All of it has been handcrafted out of clay.  It is amazing!  It made me cry, not so much out of sadness, but out of joy that she created something so perfect and captured Don's personality so perfectly.  I think he would highly approve.  Again, Thank You Judi!  You are the Best my friend!  I love you!

  

The Worst and The Best

     I would like to think that the worst part of my life is over.  I know there are people who have experienced things I can't even imagine and I don't want to.  I know it's unrealistic to think I will not endure suffering, loss or pain again in my lifetime.  Somehow, I am sure I will have my share.  That's the risk of loving and caring for others.  I certainly don't look forward to it; But I am strong, I am tough, I will make it through turbulent times, I will survive and I will continue to try and find the positive and bright side of life.  I am an optimist and I believe in happiness.  You are the only one who can truly decide if you can be Happy.
     My biggest fear is that the Best Times of my life are over.  Will I just go on existing?  I had found true love.  I think of our marriage, and it had its ups and downs, but it worked and it was special.  We had our problems early in our marriage, but overcame them and became stronger.  We didn't have any children other than our fur babies, so we spoiled each other.  My friends would tease that we were perfect for each other:  Don knew good jewelry and I knew all about tools.  We had a lot of fun and Don always encouraged me in anything I have ever done.  I was into yard work and plants, he would dig holes anywhere and everywhere I wanted, built planting tables, build flower beds, cut down trees, shopped for plants, and not complain, just don't expect him to do the weeding...ha.  I started selling my plants, he helped, he tried to learn his flowers and he tried to help me with rooting and planting and mostly he made me laugh.  When I wanted a camera to photograph my flowers, he bought me one. 
     I got into fishing real big.  I mean everyday.  I had a habit.  After work I would meet with my Dad and we would fish until 11 or 12 at night.  Then I would come home go to sleep, get up in a few hours go to work, and repeat...Don was working with the Sheriff's Office, working nights so he never complained.  When he wasn't working, he often came fishing with us.  He bought me quality fishing gear, rods, reels, tackle, a cart for my stuff and never complained.  He would raise an eyebrow, when he would get home before me at 2 am.  But he would just laugh, cuddle up next to me and asked if I caught a fish.
     He bought me that first camera and I soon ditched the plants and the fishing and he never complained about the money invested into my hobbies.  When the photos started looking really good, I decided I wanted to do a festival and some art shows.  No problem, he built my display, gave up his free weekends to set up my display and carry all boxes.  Never complained about the money being spent on this adventure.  Only encouraged me.  Then when it took off and became a success, he was right there.  We would go out of town to do shows, he started making frames, buying more equipment, anything I needed....I got.  Even after his accident, he still wanted me to do the shows and he still came out help anyway he could.  When I first started running dirt roads to take photos, he would come along once in while.  He wasn't a morning person, but often he would get up early to go catch the sunrise with me.  I think when he first started riding with me, he did it just because....But he came to really enjoy it.  I tried to teach him his birds, much like his flowers ...he tried.  The last couple years every weekend was out on the road, just being together, seeing what we could get into.  He was always willing, I know he was hurting and in pain, told him we could stay home, but then he wanted to ride.  We always made it work, we had good times and bad.  I wouldn't trade any of it.
    Poor Don would catch hell from my Mom at Christmas, he would shop, and get so excited about what he got me, he couldn't wait for Christmas.  He would give it to me early.  He had been out shopping one week and had bought me a diamond tennis bracelet for Christmas in October.  He tried to hold out, but one night while working on the interstate, there was an accident and it involved a little girl, she was in bad shape and she passed away in Don's arms.  They told him to go home early, he walked in the door went to the closet came out and gave me a box.  I told him to wait til Christmas and his reply was "you don't know what tomorrow holds, what can happen next and I want you to have this Now and know that I Love You."  That's just the way things were.  He bought me diamonds, lots of them, necklaces, earrings, bracelets; I told him I don't go anywhere to wear all this fancy stuff...his reply: wear it everyday and enjoy it.  He told me to wear it to work.....I work in a machine shop and I went to work wearing diamonds.....
     After this last accident, we both truly knew how important it was to live each day like it was your last.  In many ways that accident made our marriage stronger and better.  We spent many hours together, we talked, we laughed and we loved each other completely.
     How can ANYTHING ever top that?   I was fortunate to find my true love 17 years ago.  I will never have that again.  I don't think anyone could love me as completely as Don, give me all the freedom and encouragement that he gave me.
     Therefore, I know things can always be worse....but I have experienced the Best.  I will continue to go on, I will do my best in life and I will try to continue to be Happy.  I'm just not real sure what I have to look forward to.... in the long term.  One day at a time, I suppose.

17 Years Ago....Oh What A Night

       Seventeen years ago you finally asked me to go for a soda after work.  I was working a part time job at the mini mart and I didn't get off until 11:30 pm.  I was so excited.  I had only talked to you two or three times.  But I knew you were special.  I told my Mom and my friends about the tall redheaded Deputy that would drive through the lot to do his zone checks, smile and wave to me.  Then you actually came into the store and I was training Odessa, it was her first day on the job.  Thank God crazy little Odessa spoke up for me and said you should ask me out.  She worked there two days, just long enough to get us to speak to each other.  I often wonder whatever happened to her, she was like a short, plump fairy godmother.  That night you met me at the store after work and we got into your patrol car and went to the Huddle House to talk.  I was on cloud nine.  You finally asked if you could take me to dinner and a movie the next night.  I almost couldn't wait to say yes.  Then duty called and you had to go back to work and I had to go home.

     As I was driving home, I was thinking about where we were going, what I was going to wear and what would happen next.  I pulled up into my little rented duplex, smiling to myself as I got out of the car.  I hadn't really noticed the porch light was out.  Until he grabbed my head from behind and slammed me into the door.  I was forced into my own home and he was yelling at me about you.  Wanted to know who you were, what did I think I was doing?  He hit me with a closed fist and knocked me on to the couch.  I was trying to defend myself and block his blows and that was when he grabbed my baseball bat by the door.

     You know hindsight is 20/20, a baseball bat is a lousy means of home protection or self defense, unless you are the one who grabs it first.  It was my neighbor John.  John and I had a history, but it was long over, it had been over two years.  But, I had never showed an interest in anyone else.  As it turned out, he had been watching me while I was at work from the truck stop across the street.  He had seen me talking to you, he had seen me smiling and happy, he had seen me get into your patrol car and he had seen us go to the Huddle House.

     He was furious, yelling and swinging that damn bat.  My knee and legs took the worst of it.  At least that is what I thought at the time.  Then he forced me to leave my home and go to his.  He was smart in a sense, he made sure there were no neighbors at home, there was no where I could run and no one would here me yell.  As he forced me into his house and raised the bat to strike me again, I reached out to grab it.  I had a hold of it, it took him by surprise.  I was hoping I could get the upper hand and turn this thing around.  It just made him madder and he jammed the bat into my forehead just above my right eyebrow.  I saw stars and started to fade as the blood poured down my face.  He grabbed my hair and threw me to the couch and screamed not to get blood of his furniture.  Then as he saw the blood pouring from my head, started to try to stop the bleeding and was trying to care for me.  Telling me he was sorry.  That he would do anything to take it back....What a psycho!  I told him not to touch me, then he starting ranting about how the Police Chief was his friend and that they wouldn't believe anything I said and that if I did say anything, he would make sure it was the last thing I said.  It was a long scary night, he finally pushed me out the door and back to my house, where he sat all night making sure I would not call anyone.

     Early in the morning, he just left.  I jumped up and locked the doors, got in the shower and looked in the mirror at my black eye and the nasty cut on my forehead.  The phone started ringing and it was him again.  Wanting to know why I liked you, wanting to know why I wouldn't give him another chance, if there was anyway we could work it out...He is a nut!  I grabbed my keys and got in the car and headed for the hospital.  The whole time thinking about what he said about his friend the Chief.  My head hurt so bad, I just wanted to get it and my knee checked out.  The "Good Ole Boy" system was strong down here in the South at that time.  So I decided I wouldn't say anything, I'd just tell them I fell.

     I went to the Emergency Room, they took me right away.  They questioned me about my injuries and I stupidly told them I fell.  Well, they weren't so stupid, they called the Police for suspected domestic violence.  I couldn't believe this was happening to me.  The Officer questioned me and I stuck to my story.  Then he scared me to death..."Miss, if you don't tell me what happened and who did this, I will take you to jail for withholding information".  Oh My God, and he worked at the Department where John's friend was the Chief.  What am I going to do?  I told him I wanted to talk to Don Mumford from the Sheriff's Office.  He replied that Don wasn't working that day.  That he did concrete work on the side and was off.  Thank the Lord you had given me your number.  I called you and told you I needed help and was at the Hospital.  You dropped everything, cancelled your concrete and drove from Brunswick to Camden.  You came in hugged me, talked to me and handled everything.  You filed the reports, you got the warrants and you kept me safe with you until my parents could get in from Pennsylvania.

     You took me shopping for clothes, you insisted on taking me for that fancy dinner on St. Simons Island, even though people were looking at you like you were such a creep.  When actually you were my White Knight, you rescued me and took care of me.  You gave up your bed for me that night insisting I stay with you until the next day when my parents arrived.  A perfect Gentlemen, I knew that you were special, but I never thought it would go this far that we would soon be married and that I could have ever loved you so much.  So, this is such a bittersweet day for me, I got my ass kicked but I got to walk away with my Redneck Prince Charming.  Anyway Baby, Happy Anniversary of our first and very memorable date.

My Susie

This is Susie.  I know I don't usually do photos on this site....but today is special.

     Let me tell you a story of an incredible little dog I named Susie.  Some 13 years ago my parents were getting ready to move to Georgia from Pennsylvania.  My Dad came down early to paint the house and I was over there helping him.  We had been working a while and took a lunch a break, I went into the house to get something and my Dad called me back out.  He said I had to see this....well here was a little green dog covered in matts and knots, her back looked like it was broken the hair was so piled up.  She broke my heart.  We had noticed the little dog house in the backyard, but didn't think much of it because the house had been empty for over a year.  We gave her some scraps, she was so hungry, her little nose was so red and swollen and you couldn't hardly see her eyes.  So I get on the phone and tell Don he needs to get here right away.  He got there and looked at that dog....then looked at me tearing up and said yes.  With that we approached her and she was nervous, I was afraid to pick her up because her back looked weird.  So, I told Don to pick her up.  She let him pick her and we placed her on a table and started trimming away the knots and matts.  We had to cut it right down to the skin.  She sat there...and sat there.  It took us about three hours but we got all the hair off and decided to give her a bath and she let us.  Probably the easiest bath I ever gave her.  When we were done there was less than half of the dog we started with.  We picked her up and put her in the truck and she let us.  You could tell she was scared, hoping for one more chance, taking a chance on us and trusting us.  But her little tail never wiggled.  We took her to the vet for a quick check up to make sure we weren't bringing anything bad home to our little Missy (Our other poodle mix dog).  I told the vet her story and she said she had to scan her for a chip.  I thought that is just what I need to know, who left this baby like this.  There was no chip, the vet said other than suffering from malnutrition and starving she was ok to take home until we could get a more thorough check up the next day.  She estimated her age about two years.  She came home with us, we fed her, promised she would never miss a meal again, introduced her to Missy.  Everyone got along.  We were a houseful of rescues.  Later we found she had heart worms, we had them give her the treatments and had her spayed.  Then we put her in the truck with us and we had to take a trip to PA, to help my parents move.  She sat right between us and didn't seem to mind the 12 hour drive.  Her tail still didn't wiggle.

     A very quick and busy trip up and it was time to come back, she never left our sides.  Sat between us for another 12 hours.  When we finally got home, back to Missy, when she came into the house, found her food bowl and a treat....that tail started wiggling like mad and it really hadn't slowed down much until the past few years.  She was a happy puppy!  We named her Susie, cause a friend of ours, whenever he met a lady and didn't know her named, he called them Susie.  We more or less determined that the people who left that house a over a year ago, left her too.  She knew her way around the house and she had been living in that dilapidated little dog house that was infested with fire ants and covered in spider webs.  It was obviously not easy on her.  She weighed 11 pounds when we found her and she took me up on the promise of never missing a meal.  She was a chunky girl who was almost 30 pounds at one time.

 

     Susie filled our lives with so much joy.  She had the most soulful eyes I have ever seen on a dog.   She went everywhere with us.  Always ready to jump in the truck, go to the beach, run the woods and of to course visit with Grandma and Grandpa.  She did the art shows with us.  Perching in my chair, wearing sunglasses or a hat.  Letting people love on her and take her picture.  She never needed a leash, she didn't go out of our unfenced yard...I think she was a Happy Girl.  When we found Dipsy the cat, she was happy to have someone to boss around.  When Missy passed away, Susie mourned her loss.  When Dipsy passed, she was lonely, but she was the Queen.  When I adopted Sam, our cat, she welcomed him.  She had someone to boss around again.  When we adopted Gracie, our little poodle, Susie welcomed her....now Sam had someone to keep him busy and she could rest.  She could let the youngsters entertain themselves, while she got lots of loving.
    
 
 Our furbabies are our children.  They are our family,  The girls, Gracie and Susie were both in the truck with Don, when he had his life altering accident in June of 2013.  They were banged up  pretty bad and Susie suffered a back injury.  The vet treated her, she came home ten days later, slowed down quite a bit, but the tail was wiggling.  They stayed with my parents while Don was in the hospital and were treated like royalty.  The first day I got to take Susie to see Don at Specialty Hospital was beautiful.  I'm not sure who missed who more.
  They both had missed each other so much.  The first thing Don asked about after his life flight to Shands was how are my girls.  I wasn't on of the ones he was talking about.  Don broke his arm in the accident trying to keep the girls from flying off the seat.  He thought Susie didn't make it.  When Don finally made it home 5 long months later, she was so happy...the tail was wiggling like crazy...her daddy was home.  She had slowed down a whole bunch of over the last two years.  But she stayed by his side, almost to a fault, he would trip or bump her with scooter because she was always right there.

  When Don passed eight weeks ago, Susie took it hard.  She has mourned him.  Her last few months have not been easy on her and I would have that long talk with myself and with Susie.  I didn't want her to suffer, she had trouble breathing and walking....but the tail still wiggled.  Last night was a rough on Susie, she didn't rest well, was coughing a lot and breathing hard.  I had told myself that it was time.  I got up and asked the girls if they wanted to go out and go potty.  She jumped up and trotted to the door...the tail wiggling.  She looked good.  But I knew time was coming to an end.  Today, when I came home from work, I asked the girls to go out and Gracie ran out, but Susie was standing in the living room, she wouldn't move and was breathing very shallow and fast.  She was swaying side to side uneasily... her tail didn't wiggle.  I immediately called the vet and they told me to come right away, they would wait for me.  I reached down and scooped my chunky little girl into my arms and held tight.  I felt her start to go limp, I sat down on the couch, her in my arms, rocking her and crying as my sweet Susie took her last breath and crossed over the Rainbow Bridge.  She waited for me and I am so thankful.  My little family is quickly diminishing.  So once again I turn to my writing, to my therapy and I hope this will help ease my pain.  I wanted to share with you what a great little dog she was, we took a chance on her and she took a chance on us.  Like I said we were a houseful of rescues.  Goodnight my Susie.

Another Letter to You...

     I know it's been a few weeks since I last wrote to you and I sure do wish I could talk to you!  I guess your cell won't get a signal...  Baby, I miss you so much.  My afternoons and evenings, which use to seem so rushed and never had enough time or hours in the day, now they just drag on endlessly.  I never knew the night could last so long, especially when sleep doesn't come easily.  I miss you laying beside me, rubbing my back, snuggling, and kissing me good night.  This bed is way too big for just me.  It's too big for me, Gracie, Sam and Susie if she would stay up here with me.  Our fur babies miss you something terrible too.  They are at my feet constantly.  I have my huge teddy bear that you bought me a few years ago for Valentine's Day, I even put on of your sweatshirts on it,  The one I bought you from Cracker Barrel, it is so soft and still smells like you.  He sits on your side of the bed, he fills some space and I often lay with my head on its chest and think of you.  I can't believe that it has only been eight weeks since I lost you, some days it feels just like yesterday and other times the way the day drags on it seems so much longer. 
     I know you tell me not to question why God does what he does and everyone says you're "in a better place", I always thought our place was a good place.  Not a castle, but it was ours and we were together.  I'm trying to understand His plan, but I still keeping thinking of our plans.  The future we had planned.  Some people say my life is easier now, I don't have to worry and I don't have to take care you.  That makes me so sad when they say that.  I never minded helping you or doing for you, yes I guess I would get flustered sometimes...but I think you knew, that if I minded or if I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't have.  I know you would have done the same for me.
     I know I'm going to get through this, I am doing better and getting my act together.  Things have been a bit hectic at work lately, but it keeps me busy, that part of the day goes by quick and of  course my guys I work with are the best.  They keep me on my toes and keep my mind occupied.  I hear there are some job openings coming up; planner and supervisor, I find myself considering this more and more, it may help fill the void.  It would definitely help out financially, let me get out of debt and possibly retire early, like we talked about.  My fear is that I won't have time to do my Art Shows and Photography, but then again...lately the drive to do my photos has not been there.  That and the fact that I love my job right now, the position I'm in, the work I do and the people I work with.  I don't think I want to leave the shop for a planner job and sometimes I'm not sure if the supervisor role is really for me.  You know I'm not very politically correct, I speak my mind out loud and I will probably get fired for harassment or hostile work environment when I throw something at someone...Ha Ha.  I wish you were here to give me your input and suggestions.
     The weekends....I miss our weekend adventures!  I try to go out and ride, the dirt roads aren't the same without you telling me how to drive, where to turn, to keep my eyes on the road...  I have been taking Gracie with me, but she gets whiny when I go down an old bumpy dirt road.  She still likes when we go "puddling"  she loves to watch the splash of the water.  I took her to Jekyll the other day and we were on the road around Tidelands with the white rock and sand, this was after it rained with giant puddles.  I hit everyone of them for her, she was barking and the little tail was just a wagging, until the wind caught the water and splashed back on her...little miss priss didn't care for that and my poor old truck is covered in that white dust and mud.  Dad was teasing me about it the other night.  Mom and Dad, of course, have been wonderful.  We are spending more time together and going out to dinner, they have come over here a couple times to visit, Dad has been keeping the grass cut and trimming up the trees.  I don't know what I would do without them.  I wish you could see them with their smart phones.  Dad is using your LG and he loves it!  They sure do keep me busy with "Tech Support" sometimes, but I don't mind.  I'm just glad they finally came into the 21st century.
     Michael Hulett is playing at Mary Ross Park tomorrow from 10am to 2 pm.  I think I'm going to go down and see them.  Michael and Jim are such wonderful people and they miss you so much too.  Michael is so talented and staying really busy.  I'm afraid if I don't get to see them this week, I won't get to see them for a long time.  Hoping he doesn't play "Our song" until I get there.  I know I will be tearful, but it is only because of my fond memories.
     Well Baby, I must admit writing this little letter to you has made me feel better.  I have always found some comfort in writing.  Again, I know I am going to get through this, it is not easy and I know you wouldn't want me to quit living.  You were always my biggest fan, you always told me I could do anything and succeed at it.  Right now, this is my biggest challenge...getting over missing you.  I find myself smiling more and crying less at all our memories, I think that is the way it should be.  Until next time....I love you and miss you Baby!