The Roller Coaster Ride Continues....Leading to New Challenges!

     This past week has been a little rough on me.  Friday, the 15th, would have been our 16th wedding anniversary.  I went to work that  day and I stayed real busy, no time for those thoughts!  But at the end of the hectic day, as I am unwinding and driving home in my old truck.  It hits me, I mean really hits me.  It's hard to explain, I get so mad at myself for breaking down, giving in to tears and sorrow.  I feel like I'm not in control of myself.  These feelings and memories just overwhelm me sometimes and I hate it!  I don't want to be the weak, teary eyed widow...(you know how I feel about that word!)  I'm no good at this grieving thing.  I wish there was a timeline, tell me how long I have to feel like this, tell me how long until I don't get blindsided anymore.  So I have decided that things are picking up at work and I am going to bury myself in my job and my art shows, until I can come out feeling like me again.  I get so mad at myself, I spent the weekend wallowing in my self pity and getting absolutely nothing accomplished.  I don't have time for this behavior.  My home sometimes feels like a black hole in space.  If I don't get out early in the morning, I will spend the entire day lost inside..no matter how pretty the weather is, how much I want to go do something it's like I just lose time and I lose myself.  So there was the downside to my weekend on Sunday morning I did finally head out and went for a nice long ride with Gracie and my camera, we enjoyed the sunshine and warm weather, but I still didn't feel good about myself.
     As you may remember from my last post, I had a interview for a supervisory position at work.  Well, I went to that interview and I felt good about it when I came out.  So that was last Tuesday, today I went to work, took my lunch break and when I came back, I checked my email.  There was the letter offering me job!  I got it!  Now comes a whole new wave of feelings....can I do this, am I ready to take this position, am I crazy for leaving the job I love and will I succeed at being a leader...not a boss...a leader.  I'm excited, yet doubtful.  I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.  I think that due to my circumstances and where I am in my life; with nothing else or anyone who requires my time other than my furbabies,  That this could be a very good thing.  A chance to bury my grief and sorrow in this new endeavor, pay off the debt I was left and that we have incurred.  Maybe I can treat myself to a new or newer truck later this year...Or maybe, just maybe...I can retire early, say within the next ten years or so.  I still want the time to do my photography, because after all; that is my sanity and I love doing the art shows.  As of right now....the roller coaster is on the upswing, I'm hoping it stays there for a long time.  I have had enough of the deep, dark downhill slides.
     So, I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who gave me words of encouragement and that had the confidence in me that I was lacking at the time.  Once again, my friends and family have provided me with the emotional support I needed to get through my time of self doubt.  I love you!

17 Years Ago....Oh What A Night

       Seventeen years ago you finally asked me to go for a soda after work.  I was working a part time job at the mini mart and I didn't get off until 11:30 pm.  I was so excited.  I had only talked to you two or three times.  But I knew you were special.  I told my Mom and my friends about the tall redheaded Deputy that would drive through the lot to do his zone checks, smile and wave to me.  Then you actually came into the store and I was training Odessa, it was her first day on the job.  Thank God crazy little Odessa spoke up for me and said you should ask me out.  She worked there two days, just long enough to get us to speak to each other.  I often wonder whatever happened to her, she was like a short, plump fairy godmother.  That night you met me at the store after work and we got into your patrol car and went to the Huddle House to talk.  I was on cloud nine.  You finally asked if you could take me to dinner and a movie the next night.  I almost couldn't wait to say yes.  Then duty called and you had to go back to work and I had to go home.

     As I was driving home, I was thinking about where we were going, what I was going to wear and what would happen next.  I pulled up into my little rented duplex, smiling to myself as I got out of the car.  I hadn't really noticed the porch light was out.  Until he grabbed my head from behind and slammed me into the door.  I was forced into my own home and he was yelling at me about you.  Wanted to know who you were, what did I think I was doing?  He hit me with a closed fist and knocked me on to the couch.  I was trying to defend myself and block his blows and that was when he grabbed my baseball bat by the door.

     You know hindsight is 20/20, a baseball bat is a lousy means of home protection or self defense, unless you are the one who grabs it first.  It was my neighbor John.  John and I had a history, but it was long over, it had been over two years.  But, I had never showed an interest in anyone else.  As it turned out, he had been watching me while I was at work from the truck stop across the street.  He had seen me talking to you, he had seen me smiling and happy, he had seen me get into your patrol car and he had seen us go to the Huddle House.

     He was furious, yelling and swinging that damn bat.  My knee and legs took the worst of it.  At least that is what I thought at the time.  Then he forced me to leave my home and go to his.  He was smart in a sense, he made sure there were no neighbors at home, there was no where I could run and no one would here me yell.  As he forced me into his house and raised the bat to strike me again, I reached out to grab it.  I had a hold of it, it took him by surprise.  I was hoping I could get the upper hand and turn this thing around.  It just made him madder and he jammed the bat into my forehead just above my right eyebrow.  I saw stars and started to fade as the blood poured down my face.  He grabbed my hair and threw me to the couch and screamed not to get blood of his furniture.  Then as he saw the blood pouring from my head, started to try to stop the bleeding and was trying to care for me.  Telling me he was sorry.  That he would do anything to take it back....What a psycho!  I told him not to touch me, then he starting ranting about how the Police Chief was his friend and that they wouldn't believe anything I said and that if I did say anything, he would make sure it was the last thing I said.  It was a long scary night, he finally pushed me out the door and back to my house, where he sat all night making sure I would not call anyone.

     Early in the morning, he just left.  I jumped up and locked the doors, got in the shower and looked in the mirror at my black eye and the nasty cut on my forehead.  The phone started ringing and it was him again.  Wanting to know why I liked you, wanting to know why I wouldn't give him another chance, if there was anyway we could work it out...He is a nut!  I grabbed my keys and got in the car and headed for the hospital.  The whole time thinking about what he said about his friend the Chief.  My head hurt so bad, I just wanted to get it and my knee checked out.  The "Good Ole Boy" system was strong down here in the South at that time.  So I decided I wouldn't say anything, I'd just tell them I fell.

     I went to the Emergency Room, they took me right away.  They questioned me about my injuries and I stupidly told them I fell.  Well, they weren't so stupid, they called the Police for suspected domestic violence.  I couldn't believe this was happening to me.  The Officer questioned me and I stuck to my story.  Then he scared me to death..."Miss, if you don't tell me what happened and who did this, I will take you to jail for withholding information".  Oh My God, and he worked at the Department where John's friend was the Chief.  What am I going to do?  I told him I wanted to talk to Don Mumford from the Sheriff's Office.  He replied that Don wasn't working that day.  That he did concrete work on the side and was off.  Thank the Lord you had given me your number.  I called you and told you I needed help and was at the Hospital.  You dropped everything, cancelled your concrete and drove from Brunswick to Camden.  You came in hugged me, talked to me and handled everything.  You filed the reports, you got the warrants and you kept me safe with you until my parents could get in from Pennsylvania.

     You took me shopping for clothes, you insisted on taking me for that fancy dinner on St. Simons Island, even though people were looking at you like you were such a creep.  When actually you were my White Knight, you rescued me and took care of me.  You gave up your bed for me that night insisting I stay with you until the next day when my parents arrived.  A perfect Gentlemen, I knew that you were special, but I never thought it would go this far that we would soon be married and that I could have ever loved you so much.  So, this is such a bittersweet day for me, I got my ass kicked but I got to walk away with my Redneck Prince Charming.  Anyway Baby, Happy Anniversary of our first and very memorable date.

One of "THOSE" Days

     Did you ever have one of "those" days?  You know it is like unwritten law that "those" days should not occur on a Friday, on Friday before a long weekend or anytime during a weekend.  I have been having "those" kind of days frequently lately.  I don't know what is wrong with my head, I can't seem to focus on anything for longer than a few minutes, thoughts, feeling and all that emotional junk run through my head all the time.  I can't turn them off.  It use to be only at night, but lately....  I mean it's not all bad, the memories I have are wonderful and I wouldn't trade them for anything.  Memories are the one thing that nobody can take away from you.  While you sigh and smile at the memory, my thoughts go straight to the fact that he is gone and we will never experience anything together ever again.  Anyway, I think the constant change in thoughts it overloading my brain, 'cause let me tell you I can do some Stupid stuff lately.
     So back to "those" kind of days....Today, I woke up at my usual time 4:30 am.  I even have an old friend call me every morning just to make sure I get my sorry self out of bed.  Got up, got dressed, grabbed my stuff, even some tangerines for the guys at work and off I went.  My friend is a truck driver, So Monday through Friday not only does he wake me up every morning, but we talk on our ride to work.  It's 35 miles, passes time and allows us to catch up.  He has been there for me through a lot of tough times.  He is free therapy.  We couldn't talk long this morning, he had to off load the truck.  I drove in listening to the radio, got to the main gate at work, all is good, got to the second gate, got to say Hello to one of my friends who is the Security Guard, all is good.  I parked my truck, I was early, picked up my phone and was looking through some pics, the memories, emotions everything broke loose; I was a blubbering idiot sitting in my truck.  I sat there for over 30 minutes, tears flowing, blowing the nose, crying, (as much as I hate to admit it), hoping the guys don't see me.  I tried to pull myself together, now I'm all red nose and puffy eyes.  As I started to walk in, it just hit me again.  I went in and told my Supervisor, I would like to take the day off.  He took one look at me and said Go.  I have a good Supervisor and a great group of guys I work with, I think I may have mentioned that before.
     I called Al on my way home and tell him what a blubbering idiot I am and that I don't know what's wrong with me...so on so on.  I get to my house and I realize I do not have my house keys.  Now, I use to keep a key outside, but stupid me took it in the other day.  Now this is where it gets interesting...I have to break into my house.  I can't seem to convince, Susie, Gracie or Sam, (my fur babies), to unlock any of the doors.  I was unsuccessful with the front door, side door and the sliding door, (although I think I probably screwed the screen up on the slider).  So here is where my friend Sandi says I need to put a Go Pro camera on my head.  I move on to the windows! 
     So I pop the screen, (another casualty of my stupidity) and I get the window to open without actually breaking it!  (There's one plus for me).  Now, I have to get my friend the ladder....I don't think I shared my tangerine tree and ladder episode with you...let's just say it wasn't pretty and I have a bruise on my thigh that looks like I was hit with a 90 mph baseball.  Well, it is an eight foot step ladder, I have to kind of climb up it backwards, keep the window from falling on my head, keep Sam, the cat away from the window, tell the girls to quit barking.  Keep in mind, I am not a small woman.  So while hanging half way in the window and my legs hanging out, I am trying to re-arrange furniture, move the cat and I can feel the metal window frame against the front of my legs...I finally slide in scraping my legs the whole way.  The fur babies, were laughing at me.  All this excitement before 8:00 am.  So here I sit, with a new set of bruises on my legs, listening to the rain and writing to you, I hope you got a giggle or two and I certainly hope your Friday got off to a better start than mine...Just My Life