Losing My Mind, Losing Time, Feeling Pain and they call it "Normal"??

     I had an extra long weekend, it started with my crazy Friday; was suppose to go though to Monday with Martin Luther King Day and back to work on Tuesday.  I know I sound like a broken record but things in my head are getting worse, the pain in my heart is sharper and more constant.  I try to keep busy during the day.  I was working in the yard Monday, it felt good being outside and working with my plants, so I run around to Don's shop to get my shovel and I start looking around at all his things and how he managed to rearrange things, build things while not being able to get around so good and not giving in, he just kept at it.  I sat down on one of the chairs, admiring him for his tenacity and memories start flowing, I'm smiling thinking about how much he enjoyed being out here..."piddling", as he called it.  I just zoned out, next thing I know tears are flowing, my face is wet and almost thirty minutes had passed.  My heart was racing, my stomach was queasy and I felt shaky.  I honestly have no idea where that time went.  It seems to be happening more frequently.  I pulled up in the yard the other day in my old truck and was looking at the front of the house, the ramp, the Nissan and twenty minutes later I realized I was still in the truck. 
     This morning I woke up early, it was not a very restful night, got my clothes together, got my morning wake up call, chattering away at the fur babies...sat down to put my fuzzy socks on, 'cause dang it was cold this morning... and BOOM out of no where my heart starts racing, I feel queasy, shaky and crying my eyes out.  Why??  I don't know.  So thirty minutes later Al calls back cause we chat on our way to work everyday and asked what was wrong...my reply, "I don't know, my head is screwed up".  He starts about going to counseling and talking to somebody, that their are people who go through this everyday.  Well, I'm  not real good about letting too many people into my head or heart.  I can't picture myself in a support group or group counseling.  I know a lot people find comfort in that, sharing their experiences with others who have or are travelling that same road.  Honestly, I don't know if I can handle hearing about someone else's misery.  I feel bad enough.
     So I figured I would let my fingers do the walking and started looking up how to handle the grief of losing someone suddenly on line. I think that is the hardest problem I have...is the suddenly part.  Anytime to you lose a loved one, spouse, friend or family member it is difficult.  I have never handled death well.  I rarely make it to a funeral and almost never to the casket, open or closed, I just don't want to remember them that way.  But, I have been fortunate to not lose many people close to me, I mean really close to me.  Anyway, the suddenly part kills me.  I didn't get to say goodbye!  It was "I love you and I will see you soon baby", Don kept saying "don't worry, everything is going to be fine, it's all in God's hands and I love you too baby".  We were taking selfies and pictures of him with his surgery cap on as he was leaving the room.  It wasn't suppose to be a goodbye.
     So, I go online and find out that I am not going crazy.  That what I am experiencing is somewhat typical.  Many call it "Grief Work", 'cause you have to work to be able to deal with the loss.  The discouraging part is there is no time line, no order of events, everyone deals with it differently.  So with this knowledge that I could be losing my mind indefinitely, I also decide to call my family doctor.  They were so kind to take me right away.  They are very familiar with Our Story.
     So, I tell Doc what is going on and how things seem to be getting worse, how I am finding it more difficult to deal with life without Don, that as time passes it is hurting more. how I am losing time, zoning out and all of the above.  He says it's normal...I can't believe this could be normal...that I am experiencing anxiety attacks and that he could help me with some temporary meds to get me over the hump....but that I should also speak to a "Grief Counselor".  That is not really what I wanted to hear.  I expressed to him, how I don't really open up to strangers, I don't like people to see me at my weakest moments, I don't like people to see me cry and that I don't really think that is "My Thing".  He assured me this person is great, they will put me at ease and maybe they can help me to start healing.  He would no longer hear my lame excuses and said he would set it up.  I guess we will take it "One Day At A Time", I have decided not to brood on this counselor thing...at least not until they call to schedule my appointment that is.
     I do know that something has to give.  Things can't really get back to normal, my normal was taking care of Don and he is gone.  I guess I need to find a new normal.  Then again Normal and Debbie aren't often in the same sentence.  Ha!   I do however, find some comfort in writing this blog and I am sure one day I will look back on it and think...boy I was a wimp. 

     I will keep praying that God will give me strength, enlighten me and continue to care for my family and friends.  I don't know what I would do without my family...parents, brother, fur babies and friends are too many to list but I do owe a special thanks to Kenny who makes me laugh, reminds me of the "Days of the Empire", shops with me via text messages at Wal-mart and listens to my sorrows and to Al for my morning wake up call, our morning conversations, listening to me wallow in my grief, for not giving up and continuing to push me to get help.  Friendships and relationships are funny the way they can endure time and pick right back up, like nothing happened.  Thank you! 

Why can't it all be that easy?

One of "THOSE" Days

     Did you ever have one of "those" days?  You know it is like unwritten law that "those" days should not occur on a Friday, on Friday before a long weekend or anytime during a weekend.  I have been having "those" kind of days frequently lately.  I don't know what is wrong with my head, I can't seem to focus on anything for longer than a few minutes, thoughts, feeling and all that emotional junk run through my head all the time.  I can't turn them off.  It use to be only at night, but lately....  I mean it's not all bad, the memories I have are wonderful and I wouldn't trade them for anything.  Memories are the one thing that nobody can take away from you.  While you sigh and smile at the memory, my thoughts go straight to the fact that he is gone and we will never experience anything together ever again.  Anyway, I think the constant change in thoughts it overloading my brain, 'cause let me tell you I can do some Stupid stuff lately.
     So back to "those" kind of days....Today, I woke up at my usual time 4:30 am.  I even have an old friend call me every morning just to make sure I get my sorry self out of bed.  Got up, got dressed, grabbed my stuff, even some tangerines for the guys at work and off I went.  My friend is a truck driver, So Monday through Friday not only does he wake me up every morning, but we talk on our ride to work.  It's 35 miles, passes time and allows us to catch up.  He has been there for me through a lot of tough times.  He is free therapy.  We couldn't talk long this morning, he had to off load the truck.  I drove in listening to the radio, got to the main gate at work, all is good, got to the second gate, got to say Hello to one of my friends who is the Security Guard, all is good.  I parked my truck, I was early, picked up my phone and was looking through some pics, the memories, emotions everything broke loose; I was a blubbering idiot sitting in my truck.  I sat there for over 30 minutes, tears flowing, blowing the nose, crying, (as much as I hate to admit it), hoping the guys don't see me.  I tried to pull myself together, now I'm all red nose and puffy eyes.  As I started to walk in, it just hit me again.  I went in and told my Supervisor, I would like to take the day off.  He took one look at me and said Go.  I have a good Supervisor and a great group of guys I work with, I think I may have mentioned that before.
     I called Al on my way home and tell him what a blubbering idiot I am and that I don't know what's wrong with me...so on so on.  I get to my house and I realize I do not have my house keys.  Now, I use to keep a key outside, but stupid me took it in the other day.  Now this is where it gets interesting...I have to break into my house.  I can't seem to convince, Susie, Gracie or Sam, (my fur babies), to unlock any of the doors.  I was unsuccessful with the front door, side door and the sliding door, (although I think I probably screwed the screen up on the slider).  So here is where my friend Sandi says I need to put a Go Pro camera on my head.  I move on to the windows! 
     So I pop the screen, (another casualty of my stupidity) and I get the window to open without actually breaking it!  (There's one plus for me).  Now, I have to get my friend the ladder....I don't think I shared my tangerine tree and ladder episode with you...let's just say it wasn't pretty and I have a bruise on my thigh that looks like I was hit with a 90 mph baseball.  Well, it is an eight foot step ladder, I have to kind of climb up it backwards, keep the window from falling on my head, keep Sam, the cat away from the window, tell the girls to quit barking.  Keep in mind, I am not a small woman.  So while hanging half way in the window and my legs hanging out, I am trying to re-arrange furniture, move the cat and I can feel the metal window frame against the front of my legs...I finally slide in scraping my legs the whole way.  The fur babies, were laughing at me.  All this excitement before 8:00 am.  So here I sit, with a new set of bruises on my legs, listening to the rain and writing to you, I hope you got a giggle or two and I certainly hope your Friday got off to a better start than mine...Just My Life