Changes....Is this what I want?

     Hey ya'll!  I know it has been a long time since I have written.  Life has been going well for the most part.  More Ups than Downs.  The Downs still hit me hard but not quite as often.  It seems I manage to come out of them quicker.  In general, life is good.  I got to see my brother and his family last month, that is always a treat, his girls are growing up so quick and turning into beautiful young ladies.  I have done a couple art shows out on Saint Simons Island and I have been truly Blessed.  The weather was good and the sales were awesome.  Some of my best shows yet!  My full time job has been wonderful!  I work with the best group of people, all of Shop 31 is special to me, but my guys in the Air & Hydraulics Shop are without a doubt the Best.  I am proud to say I am part of that group.  I tell everyone, I have the best job in the shop, I love my job!! 
     So, here come the changes...I have decided the best way to deal with grief, depression, death whatever you want to call it, is throw yourself into something else.  I have decided to throw myself into my work and into my photography as much as possible.  They are hiring for some supervisor positions in Shop 31.  I use to want this job so badly, but it never worked out and I backed out for a while.  But now I'm thinking I have no other responsibilities to worry about and maybe now is the time to commit.  I'm thinking if I can manage to get selected and to do this, if I put my all into it....Maybe I can retire early...like in ten years or so.  I can get out of debt and build my nest egg, and thinking of buying a new truck later this year.
     I submitted my Resume, the best I think I have ever put together and apparently it paid off.  I made the "Cert" as they call it.  Now I have been scheduled for an interview.  This is where I lose all my self confidence...can you believe that??  I can be Bold as Brass sometimes...ok most times.  But when I step into that room, it's like my brain stays in the waiting room.  My interview is scheduled for 9:30 Tuesday morning, as in tomorrow!  I have been reviewing everything I think they will possibly ask about safety, employees, contracts, duties, command policy, EEO, sexual harassment....sexual harassment could be my downfall!  Although, I harass everyone equally.  I do not discriminate!  I hope that counts for something!
     So, I know I am rambling and I don't really know what I want.  But I am going to give my best!  If you happen to think about it....cross your fingers for me tomorrow morning.  Keep on Smiling!

Roller Coaster Days - The Ups Are Great! The Downs Not So Much...

    This week has been one of those roller coaster weeks.  Last Saturday, Gracie and I headed out at the crack of dawn and had an amazing day.  We hit the dirt roads, the woods and the beach.  I gave the ol' camera a work out.  This past week at work has been a little bumpy. 
     The position at work I have been wanting to put in for has finally opened.  Along with the announcement came the anxiety.  I'm unsure if this is the right job for me?  I'm not sure if this is the right time for me to move on?  I'm not sure of what kind of stress this new position will place on me?  Am I going to be able to handle that stress?  I know I am probably making a big deal out of nothing, but right now, I love my job!  I have the best job in the whole shop!  I work with the beat people,  I am proud of the close knit group we have become.  What if I take this new position and I hate it?  There is no going back. 
     I was home sick one day, I think that was from trying to eat some of my own cooking. (I should know better than that).  I couldn't seem to get the words to flow for my resume.  It was like pulling teeth.  Then things started to get a little better.  Back to work the next day, my coworkers cheering me up as usual and providing me with words of reassurance.  I set to work on that damn resume the next day and I had my confidence back, I was in a positive state of mind and I was happy.  I had finished my resume and I sent to a friend to review and some constructive criticism....When it came back the next morning, I told him, I felt like I was in High School and the English teacher had ripped me a new ass.  (for those of you that know....I was thinking of Mrs. McCandless at Ridley, she was always tough on me)  So after eating a piece of humble pie, I got started on my homework, made the corrections, considered the suggestions and put together the best resume I've ever had. 
     Then I got a call from the Counselor.  You know the one the doctor told me three weeks ago to go see.  Well they finally got back to me and want me to come in.  I hemmed and hawed, told her I didn't think that it was right for me, I really didn't want to go.  I was feeling good!  She says I need to come in, just to pick up a book she has for me about coping with grief.  It is quite obvious, she is not taking "NO" for an answer, this is the third time I have tried to give her the slip.  She's a nice lady, knows me from my photography, she starts digging into the sore subjects, opening up memories of Don, wanting to talk about how I lost him, bringing on the pain and tears I haven't seen or felt for over a week.  I knew this was going to happen.  Taking a plunge to dark deep recesses again!  I think they get satisfied once they get the tears.  They feel like they have accomplished their job.  (I'm going to remember that if I ever get caught in that situation again.  Just put on the waterworks early and then I can leave early).  Anyway I was released, she says I doing well and I DO NOT make another appointment.  (I was thinking to myself, I was doing well before I came in there, now I feel like crap)
     The next day I go back to work just so I can get cheered up.  I know most people dread going to work in the morning.  That really isn't me.  I go looking forward to harassing my coworkers and getting involved in my work, so I don't have to think of anything else.  After work I went to visit with Mom and Dad, we went out to dinner and had a good time.  They constantly worry about me, I keep telling them I'm OK and I am.  I don't mind being alone, and I'm not really alone, I look forward to coming home to Gracie and Sam and I know they miss me too.
     But, for some reason, over night, I wound up back in the dark hole again.  Have I ever told you, I hate roller coasters.  This week has been a ride.  So I woke up feeling very down in the dumps and so damn tired.  I guess the need for sleep is catching up to me, since there were two nights last week that I didn't sleep at all.  It was a beautiful day outside, blue sky, sunshine and went up to the mid sixties, But, I never went outside today; not even to check the mail...In fact I stayed in bed most of the day and slept, which also is so not me.  I finally kicked myself in the backside, put the finishes touches on my application package, this is without a doubt the best one I have ever submitted.  I hit the GO Button before I could have anymore doubts.  There it is done, I can't make any further changes, all I can do is sit back and wait.  I am hoping that by sending it in, it will help relieve some of the anxiety.
     So between submitting the resume and putting my thoughts into words, (which for some reason always seems to make me feel better), I am hoping to put this sadness behind me.
     So tomorrow is a new day!  I told Gracie that we are not staying in the house tomorrow!  The plan is to get up before dawn and head out!  Before any doubt can enter my mind.  I want to find a quiet place to watch the sunrise and listen to the world wake up.  Regain some of my inner peace, try to find some balance again.  I'm tired of the ups and downs.  I love the ups, but I can deal with anymore downs for a little while.  So, I'm putting my positive and happy attitude and I am going to enjoy myself even if it kills me!