This evening I received some more bad news; my niece Vicki has passed away. Vicki has had her share of battles through out life, but this last one, Cancer, reared its ugly head up out of nowhere and wreaked havoc on her poor little body. Vicki is the daughter of Don's sister, Sue. Sue has had a rough few years and has experienced more than her share of loss in her lifetime. For the sixteen years that I have known Sue, she has been a caregiver. She took care of her Mom, who was in her 80's, Vicki, her daughter who was handicapped with special needs and her husband Daniel who was an amputee with many of his own medical maladies. She was taking care of all three of them when I first met her. I thought to myself how does this little lady, take care of all these people so well, plus she usually cooks for her other daughter and her family. She amazed me. She constantly gives of herself for others. Sue lost her oldest daughter Frankie to leukemia during her childhood many years ago, her Mom passes in 2000 shortly after Don and I married, she lost her brother Joe in June 2011, her husband in December 2013, her brother Don, my husband, in December 2015 and now she has lost her youngest daughter Vicki today.
My heart breaks for Sue. She has gone from devoting all her time to the care of others to having no one to give constant care to. She has three other daughters who stand by her side constantly and I know their strength will get her through this most horrible time. I am sure her faith in God, knowing Vicki is no longer suffering and that she has gone on to a better place will offer her some peace and comfort.
But I know from experience, it is the last thing you want people to say to you, "Oh, they are in a better place now, no longer in pain....and so on" My poor Mom said that to me when Don passed and it hit me like a freight train! I was very angry, telling her I found no comfort in that! That I wanted him here with me! We tell ourselves that they are in a better place, no longer in pain or agony and that they are with our loved ones that have gone on before us. I try, I try desperately to believe this...that it is all part of His of a plan. I don't understand His plan, when it causes so much heartache, especially to one person or one family. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, I say my prayers for my loved ones, I pray for strength and I pray for wisdom to understand. I know Don is with me, I can hear him whisper in my ear, it is not our place to question...I can almost sense him some times; not physically, but emotionally...like a calm coming over me. But I don't understand God.
The selfish me still finds no comfort in that, I still want him here with me! We had a plan, we had a future and we were a family....what was wrong with that plan? Susie, Sam, Gracie and myself are left here with the pain of missing Don. Sue and her family are left with the pain of losing many loved ones recently.
I guess, I just don't get the Big picture, the Big Plan. It isn't the first time I have been told that! I hope God doesn't hold it against me for my questioning attitude and maybe one day He can grant me with inner peace and a glimpse of His plan.
God, please continue to Bless my family and friends, but please, please don't call any more home for a long time. I don't know how much more I can handle either. I don't think I am as strong as Sue.
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