Hello Again...Let's Rewind the last 6 months (Installment One)

Hey there y'all!  I know it has been over 6 months since I have written, let me tell you, a lot has happened to me it that short time frame...When I left you last, I was interviewing for the Supervisor position.  Well, happy me I got it and I am going to be assigned to the Hydraulics and Air Group which is just perfect!  I get to stay with my guys, I see a lot of good things happening in Shop 31F.  We have the best group in the whole shop and together we will improve even more.  I had a plan...it was just me now.  I was going to throw myself into my job for the next ten years, work as much overtime as possible, payoff all the bills and debt I was let with, stash money into my retirement, sock something away for a rainy day and if all went right, maybe I could retire at the age of 58.  Then I could just work for myself, doing my photography and art shows and live the simple life.  (I should have known the Man Upstairs (God), never seems to like my plans).  I was supposed to start in my new position on May 15th.  Did you catch the "supposed to"?  No as of I yet I have not been able to take on my new position,  You ask....Why not Debbie?  The answer would be ....because I'm an idiot who likes to burn the candle at both ends, who thinks sleep is highly over-rated, who can do anything...I can handle it!!!

Surprise!!  No I can't.  On the morning of May 9th, I was driving Ol' Buttercup, a pet name for my old suburban, to work.  I was driving Buttercup because the car and the truck both needed gas and I was too tired and lazy to stop for fuel.  Well, that weekend I had an Art Show out on St. Simons Island, Buttercup is the vehicle I use to haul everything to the shows.  Of course, Sunday afternoon I was too tired and lazy to unload everything from the truck. 

I have a 35 mile drive to work and I admit I was very tired.  I thought if I can just make it till I get off the interstate, I will stop and get a diet coke or three and the caffeine running through my veins again and will be right in my world.  I got within a half mile of the store.  I get off at exit 6 off I-95.  Best I can remember is I opened my eyes and saw pine trees.  Pine trees scare the hell out of me since Don's accident, so I snatched the wheel and made a U-turn right on the ramp, only to be facing the wrong way and headed toward more pine trees.  So, I once again snatched the wheel of Ol' Buttercup, made another impressive U-turn, but I was more on the dirt than the road, I tried to her back on the road, but I felt her slip and knew I was going over.  I rolled onto the drivers side and landed on the roof.  As I rolled, I could my back cracking, it didn't hurt, just making a cracking noise.  I guess you could say, my world was literally upside down and so was I!  Now before you start preaching to me about a seat belt, no I was not wearing one.  Keep that in mind, we will come back to that later.  I never lost conciseness and the first thing I thought of was how to  get out of here, but my feet were tangled in the steering wheel and my left arm was pinned under something very heavy.  I could hear people stopping and calling 911 for assistance.  I guy who actually works at Kings Bay as an EMT was the first one the scene trying to help me.  I heard them taking about moving all this stuff and these pictures out of the way.  I remember yelling to please be careful with my photos, that was all my hard work.

So my next thought was I had to call my parents.  I found my phone and remained very calm, I called and woke my Mom up.  I told her what happened and just about then they were getting me out of the truck and I was telling her that I was probably going to Camden Hospital to be checked out and that I was going to try to get back to work that afternoon.  The Ambulance crew interrupted me to tell me I wasn't going to Camden, I was going to Shands Trauma Center in Jacksonville and that I wouldn't be going to work that day.  I also did the responsible thing and called work and told them I might be out for a day or two.  Once they got me in the ambulance, that was when the pain set in.  My blood pressure was so low all they could give me for pain was laughing gas.  It didn't help much.  But I did laugh a bit with the crew on the way to the hospital.  I kept thinking to myself, this is weird, I was in accident with a truck, just like Don was, I was able to call people I loved, just like Don did.  I was being taken to the same place Don had gone to when he was in his accident.  There was so much going on, lots of crazy questions, tests, x-rays, MRI's, IV needles, drawing blood, heart monitors....so much of it reminded me of when Don was here.  They stabilized me and sent me to SICU, I was in the same room as Don, I had the same attending physician Dr. Ra and several of the same nurses, techs and therapists.  They were having trouble maintaining my blood pressure, they wanted to put in an arterial line to monitor it better...guess what, Don had one of those too.

A couple days were a blur, they told me I broke 5 vertebrae in my thoracic spine and that they were going to put cement into one of the vertebrae to hold it together, but I had to be more stabilized first.  The physical therapists came in and I was fitted for a darling little blue back brace....I'm lying in case you don't get my sarcasm.  The back brace sucks!  It sucked when they first gave it to me and it sucked three months later when I was able to stop wearing it!  But I was up and walking around the ICU ward with a walker and my lovely brace.  So three days later, the perform this procedure and put the cement in my back.  I wake up and I feel pretty good, except, I can't feel anything from the waist down.  I can move my legs and my toes, but I cannot feel them.  I expressed my concerns to the surgeon and his assistant and they assured me it was all positional from the surgery and that by the next day it would be better...they lied.  The next day, there was still no feeling, I went back for another MRI to find out I had a hematoma (blood clot) the length of my thoracic spine.  I was taken in for immediate surgery.   a six or seven inch incision, the performed a laminectomy, basically cleaned the blood clot out.  When I woke up, now I was sore and I still had no feeling. 

I remember seeing my mom and dad looking very worried, the doctor checking in every hour, oh and the state trooper who worked my accident came by to see me for the second time.  He asked me if I was wearing my seat belt at the time of the accident, I asked him if he was going to give me a ticket, because they did that to Don too.  He said No, he just wanted to know for himself, he said he looked that truck over more than once and just couldn't see how I could have survived if I was wearing my seat belt.  The main support in the front of the truck took a really hard hit and caved in, which is where my head most likely would have been, had I been wearing a safety belt.  That's all I'm going to say about that matter.  I'm an adult and I should be able to decide if I want to wear a seat belt.

The physical terrorists (I mean therapists) came back to see me and that is when I realized you cannot stand on legs you don't feel.  The bottoms of my feet felt warty, like the little bumps inside the Crocs shoes, all over the bottom of my feet and toes, (they still feel that way most days).  Trying to stand on legs you can't feel is like trying to stand on marshmallows (that's what my feet felt like) on legs that were filled with jello.  It was not happening!  That was when I started to get scared.  That was when I realized, maybe I wasn't six foot tall and bullet proof. 

This is where I am going to leave you for now.  I will pick up again in a few days.  I have missed writing, it helped me get through a lot of issues I was dealing with grieving for Don.  Maybe it can bring me out of this funk I have been in lately, maybe it will help me realize just how far I have come.  I am not a patient person and no one can give me a time line on healing with spinal cord injuries (doesn't that sound familiar....no timeline), it could be six months, a year, maybe never....who knows.  That is not what I want to hear!  I am trying to remain positive and happy, I will not quit, I will not give up and I will not surrender!

The Roller Coaster Ride Continues....Leading to New Challenges!

     This past week has been a little rough on me.  Friday, the 15th, would have been our 16th wedding anniversary.  I went to work that  day and I stayed real busy, no time for those thoughts!  But at the end of the hectic day, as I am unwinding and driving home in my old truck.  It hits me, I mean really hits me.  It's hard to explain, I get so mad at myself for breaking down, giving in to tears and sorrow.  I feel like I'm not in control of myself.  These feelings and memories just overwhelm me sometimes and I hate it!  I don't want to be the weak, teary eyed widow...(you know how I feel about that word!)  I'm no good at this grieving thing.  I wish there was a timeline, tell me how long I have to feel like this, tell me how long until I don't get blindsided anymore.  So I have decided that things are picking up at work and I am going to bury myself in my job and my art shows, until I can come out feeling like me again.  I get so mad at myself, I spent the weekend wallowing in my self pity and getting absolutely nothing accomplished.  I don't have time for this behavior.  My home sometimes feels like a black hole in space.  If I don't get out early in the morning, I will spend the entire day lost inside..no matter how pretty the weather is, how much I want to go do something it's like I just lose time and I lose myself.  So there was the downside to my weekend on Sunday morning I did finally head out and went for a nice long ride with Gracie and my camera, we enjoyed the sunshine and warm weather, but I still didn't feel good about myself.
     As you may remember from my last post, I had a interview for a supervisory position at work.  Well, I went to that interview and I felt good about it when I came out.  So that was last Tuesday, today I went to work, took my lunch break and when I came back, I checked my email.  There was the letter offering me job!  I got it!  Now comes a whole new wave of feelings....can I do this, am I ready to take this position, am I crazy for leaving the job I love and will I succeed at being a leader...not a boss...a leader.  I'm excited, yet doubtful.  I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.  I think that due to my circumstances and where I am in my life; with nothing else or anyone who requires my time other than my furbabies,  That this could be a very good thing.  A chance to bury my grief and sorrow in this new endeavor, pay off the debt I was left and that we have incurred.  Maybe I can treat myself to a new or newer truck later this year...Or maybe, just maybe...I can retire early, say within the next ten years or so.  I still want the time to do my photography, because after all; that is my sanity and I love doing the art shows.  As of right now....the roller coaster is on the upswing, I'm hoping it stays there for a long time.  I have had enough of the deep, dark downhill slides.
     So, I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who gave me words of encouragement and that had the confidence in me that I was lacking at the time.  Once again, my friends and family have provided me with the emotional support I needed to get through my time of self doubt.  I love you!

Changes....Is this what I want?

     Hey ya'll!  I know it has been a long time since I have written.  Life has been going well for the most part.  More Ups than Downs.  The Downs still hit me hard but not quite as often.  It seems I manage to come out of them quicker.  In general, life is good.  I got to see my brother and his family last month, that is always a treat, his girls are growing up so quick and turning into beautiful young ladies.  I have done a couple art shows out on Saint Simons Island and I have been truly Blessed.  The weather was good and the sales were awesome.  Some of my best shows yet!  My full time job has been wonderful!  I work with the best group of people, all of Shop 31 is special to me, but my guys in the Air & Hydraulics Shop are without a doubt the Best.  I am proud to say I am part of that group.  I tell everyone, I have the best job in the shop, I love my job!! 
     So, here come the changes...I have decided the best way to deal with grief, depression, death whatever you want to call it, is throw yourself into something else.  I have decided to throw myself into my work and into my photography as much as possible.  They are hiring for some supervisor positions in Shop 31.  I use to want this job so badly, but it never worked out and I backed out for a while.  But now I'm thinking I have no other responsibilities to worry about and maybe now is the time to commit.  I'm thinking if I can manage to get selected and to do this, if I put my all into it....Maybe I can retire early...like in ten years or so.  I can get out of debt and build my nest egg, and thinking of buying a new truck later this year.
     I submitted my Resume, the best I think I have ever put together and apparently it paid off.  I made the "Cert" as they call it.  Now I have been scheduled for an interview.  This is where I lose all my self confidence...can you believe that??  I can be Bold as Brass sometimes...ok most times.  But when I step into that room, it's like my brain stays in the waiting room.  My interview is scheduled for 9:30 Tuesday morning, as in tomorrow!  I have been reviewing everything I think they will possibly ask about safety, employees, contracts, duties, command policy, EEO, sexual harassment....sexual harassment could be my downfall!  Although, I harass everyone equally.  I do not discriminate!  I hope that counts for something!
     So, I know I am rambling and I don't really know what I want.  But I am going to give my best!  If you happen to think about it....cross your fingers for me tomorrow morning.  Keep on Smiling!

Roller Coaster Days - The Ups Are Great! The Downs Not So Much...

    This week has been one of those roller coaster weeks.  Last Saturday, Gracie and I headed out at the crack of dawn and had an amazing day.  We hit the dirt roads, the woods and the beach.  I gave the ol' camera a work out.  This past week at work has been a little bumpy. 
     The position at work I have been wanting to put in for has finally opened.  Along with the announcement came the anxiety.  I'm unsure if this is the right job for me?  I'm not sure if this is the right time for me to move on?  I'm not sure of what kind of stress this new position will place on me?  Am I going to be able to handle that stress?  I know I am probably making a big deal out of nothing, but right now, I love my job!  I have the best job in the whole shop!  I work with the beat people,  I am proud of the close knit group we have become.  What if I take this new position and I hate it?  There is no going back. 
     I was home sick one day, I think that was from trying to eat some of my own cooking. (I should know better than that).  I couldn't seem to get the words to flow for my resume.  It was like pulling teeth.  Then things started to get a little better.  Back to work the next day, my coworkers cheering me up as usual and providing me with words of reassurance.  I set to work on that damn resume the next day and I had my confidence back, I was in a positive state of mind and I was happy.  I had finished my resume and I sent to a friend to review and some constructive criticism....When it came back the next morning, I told him, I felt like I was in High School and the English teacher had ripped me a new ass.  (for those of you that know....I was thinking of Mrs. McCandless at Ridley, she was always tough on me)  So after eating a piece of humble pie, I got started on my homework, made the corrections, considered the suggestions and put together the best resume I've ever had. 
     Then I got a call from the Counselor.  You know the one the doctor told me three weeks ago to go see.  Well they finally got back to me and want me to come in.  I hemmed and hawed, told her I didn't think that it was right for me, I really didn't want to go.  I was feeling good!  She says I need to come in, just to pick up a book she has for me about coping with grief.  It is quite obvious, she is not taking "NO" for an answer, this is the third time I have tried to give her the slip.  She's a nice lady, knows me from my photography, she starts digging into the sore subjects, opening up memories of Don, wanting to talk about how I lost him, bringing on the pain and tears I haven't seen or felt for over a week.  I knew this was going to happen.  Taking a plunge to dark deep recesses again!  I think they get satisfied once they get the tears.  They feel like they have accomplished their job.  (I'm going to remember that if I ever get caught in that situation again.  Just put on the waterworks early and then I can leave early).  Anyway I was released, she says I doing well and I DO NOT make another appointment.  (I was thinking to myself, I was doing well before I came in there, now I feel like crap)
     The next day I go back to work just so I can get cheered up.  I know most people dread going to work in the morning.  That really isn't me.  I go looking forward to harassing my coworkers and getting involved in my work, so I don't have to think of anything else.  After work I went to visit with Mom and Dad, we went out to dinner and had a good time.  They constantly worry about me, I keep telling them I'm OK and I am.  I don't mind being alone, and I'm not really alone, I look forward to coming home to Gracie and Sam and I know they miss me too.
     But, for some reason, over night, I wound up back in the dark hole again.  Have I ever told you, I hate roller coasters.  This week has been a ride.  So I woke up feeling very down in the dumps and so damn tired.  I guess the need for sleep is catching up to me, since there were two nights last week that I didn't sleep at all.  It was a beautiful day outside, blue sky, sunshine and went up to the mid sixties, But, I never went outside today; not even to check the mail...In fact I stayed in bed most of the day and slept, which also is so not me.  I finally kicked myself in the backside, put the finishes touches on my application package, this is without a doubt the best one I have ever submitted.  I hit the GO Button before I could have anymore doubts.  There it is done, I can't make any further changes, all I can do is sit back and wait.  I am hoping that by sending it in, it will help relieve some of the anxiety.
     So between submitting the resume and putting my thoughts into words, (which for some reason always seems to make me feel better), I am hoping to put this sadness behind me.
     So tomorrow is a new day!  I told Gracie that we are not staying in the house tomorrow!  The plan is to get up before dawn and head out!  Before any doubt can enter my mind.  I want to find a quiet place to watch the sunrise and listen to the world wake up.  Regain some of my inner peace, try to find some balance again.  I'm tired of the ups and downs.  I love the ups, but I can deal with anymore downs for a little while.  So, I'm putting my positive and happy attitude and I am going to enjoy myself even if it kills me!

The Weatherman Says....

     Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't like the Weatherman, or I guess the politically correct version would be Weatherperson.  All they do is talk, talk, talk, get the public to run and spend money that they don't have to stock up for the "Big Storm"; that goes 100 miles north, where they aren't prepared and you are stuck eating Beanie Weenies for the next two weeks.  Sure they hit the nail on the head with the large snow storm a few weeks ago up North...Thank God it was up North, but a broken clock is correct at least twice a day!  They do not hold a candle to a broken clock...  The Weatherperson has ruined many of my weekends, with the Art Shows.  No rain in sight, only a ten percent chance of rain and I wind up looking like a drowned rat by 2:00 pm.  Or the other one, which I don't mind as much, other than it affects what I display; so therefore there is less of a chance of selling.  "There will be an 80 percent chance of rain, thunder storms through out the day, a good day to stay indoors".  So what do your customers do...stay home, I put out less stock so nothing gets ruined.  Sun shines all day and no one is out wandering about.  So I hope that explains my love of the Weatherperson.
     So like any fool who is suffering from Spring Fever in February, I am going to put some faith in the almighty Weatherperson.  It has been a beautiful week, I fought the urge all week to leave work early, or stay home and play hooky.  Some of my best photos were acquired on a "Sick" day!  But I responsibly stayed at work, saved my time and the Weatherperson says Mother Nature is going to reward me this weekend!  Tomorrow is suppose to be Sunny and 73 glorious degrees!  How can you not have be bitten by the Spring Fever Bug with that kind of weather??
     As many of you know, my camera and I have cooled off our love affair a lot since Don's passing.  It's just not the same going out riding without my navigator, my honey, my friend.  So, I have been trying to raise my spirits lately, get my positive Happy attitude back.  I would be lying if I said it was easy to do.  I manage to do well at work, my coworkers are awesome, my guys don't give me chance to brood, if they notice a weak moment...they quickly slap me out of it...sometimes literally!  They will never no how much that means to me.  My days go by quick, I can't help but smile at them, the way they let me harass them and abuse them daily.  But when my work day is over, I often go home to the empty house.  God knows Gracie and Sam are starving for my attention and affection.  I walk in the door with lots of plans to get things done and then all motivation leaves me.  I enjoy being alone in my home.  But I think sometimes the memories are holding me back, swallowing my time.  I often feel like I lose myself once I come home from work.  I can lose hours at a time.  God Bless my friends who call almost daily, or chat via text or Facebook and the email I look so forward to.  They will never know how they are helping me to recover.  Don't get me wrong, my parents are always there, always asking me to stop by after work, or to call and chat.  But, it's just not the same.
     Anyway, the Weatherperson has raised my hopes.  The Camera battery is charging as I write this and my intentions are to get out of the house before the sun even thinks about rising, so that the shadows of doubt cannot make me change my mind or steal my motivation.  My co-pilot will be little Miss Gracie herself.  I truly do doubt her ability to read the maps or Google for directions, but she is good company, energetic and one of my favorite photo models.  So beware, there will most likely be a few Gracie pics on Facebook tomorrow.  I'm not really sure where we are going or where we will wind up.  I'm thinking sunrise on the beach, with breeze and the sound of the surf coming in.  From there...who knows??  I guess wherever they old blue Chevy wants to take us, without overheating.  I need to give her some attention too, but you can't possibly give up Sunny and 73 in February to stay home and work on a truck...It's Just Not Right!
     Please wish me luck on regaining my love for the outdoors and my camera.  I often refer to my Photography as my Sanity.  This could get ugly, if I can't rekindle this flame.  Y'all enjoy the day!

It Is Perfect!

     Well, today is President's Day and I an happy to say that I am fortunate enough to have the day off.  And I have been rather lazy today.  Chillin' around the house with Gracie and chatting with some people online, listening to some music and basically doing nothing and it felt good.  I have enjoyed this three day weekend. 
     I worked liked a crazy person on Saturday to get prepared for the Art Show on Jekyll Island on Sunday; that was my own fault for letting things go for so long.  But, I managed to get a good bit done and I enjoyed the Show on Sunday.  It was great seeing so many familiar faces, "my snow birds" from all over the country, I truly look forward to seeing you all every year.  Even though I only get to see you and talk with you once or twice a year, be assured I don't forget you.  It also gives me a chance to catch with my Audubon friends, since it is also the weekend of the Great Backyard Bird Count.  I also love this show because it kicks off the Art Show and Festival Season and I get to catch up with my friends who also do the shows.  I always love catching up with them after a few months and see what kind of great and creative ideas they have come up with over the off season.
     I have to admit there were some difficult times, trying to keep smiling and being positive as people asked about Don.  Again, I haven't seen them, there is no way they could know.  Overall, I think I did well, thanks to the steady flow of people and not being able to dwell on his absence.  Although, my dear, sweet and talented friend Judi Marshall got to me.  Judi is one of my besties.  We met years ago doing a show in downtown Brunswick and we have been doing many, many shows together since then, often we are side by side on St. Simons Island.  She is a very talented potter and quite the amazing little lady.  She is a Godly woman who plays guitar in church, teaches pottery, goes on mission trips to Honduras, she has biked across the country, raised two sons....the list goes on.  I love her deeply, as did Don.  She was always so special to him and he was special to her.  When Don passed and I decided to opt for cremation, I couldn't decide and still can't determine where to bury or spread his ashes and I know some people consider it morbid, but until I decide they are here at the house with me.  For now I find comfort in that, I'm sure in time I will come to a conclusion.  In the meantime, I wanted an urn for his ashes.  I could think of no one else I would want to take this to task other than Judi.  Everything she does is original, one of a kind...just like Don.  I had asked Judi to make an urn for me, she happily accepted.  She gave me the urn on Sunday.  It is beautiful, blue with a gold Sheriff's Badge on the front, the lid has the Smokey Bear Hat on it.  All of it has been handcrafted out of clay.  It is amazing!  It made me cry, not so much out of sadness, but out of joy that she created something so perfect and captured Don's personality so perfectly.  I think he would highly approve.  Again, Thank You Judi!  You are the Best my friend!  I love you!

  

The Worst and The Best

     I would like to think that the worst part of my life is over.  I know there are people who have experienced things I can't even imagine and I don't want to.  I know it's unrealistic to think I will not endure suffering, loss or pain again in my lifetime.  Somehow, I am sure I will have my share.  That's the risk of loving and caring for others.  I certainly don't look forward to it; But I am strong, I am tough, I will make it through turbulent times, I will survive and I will continue to try and find the positive and bright side of life.  I am an optimist and I believe in happiness.  You are the only one who can truly decide if you can be Happy.
     My biggest fear is that the Best Times of my life are over.  Will I just go on existing?  I had found true love.  I think of our marriage, and it had its ups and downs, but it worked and it was special.  We had our problems early in our marriage, but overcame them and became stronger.  We didn't have any children other than our fur babies, so we spoiled each other.  My friends would tease that we were perfect for each other:  Don knew good jewelry and I knew all about tools.  We had a lot of fun and Don always encouraged me in anything I have ever done.  I was into yard work and plants, he would dig holes anywhere and everywhere I wanted, built planting tables, build flower beds, cut down trees, shopped for plants, and not complain, just don't expect him to do the weeding...ha.  I started selling my plants, he helped, he tried to learn his flowers and he tried to help me with rooting and planting and mostly he made me laugh.  When I wanted a camera to photograph my flowers, he bought me one. 
     I got into fishing real big.  I mean everyday.  I had a habit.  After work I would meet with my Dad and we would fish until 11 or 12 at night.  Then I would come home go to sleep, get up in a few hours go to work, and repeat...Don was working with the Sheriff's Office, working nights so he never complained.  When he wasn't working, he often came fishing with us.  He bought me quality fishing gear, rods, reels, tackle, a cart for my stuff and never complained.  He would raise an eyebrow, when he would get home before me at 2 am.  But he would just laugh, cuddle up next to me and asked if I caught a fish.
     He bought me that first camera and I soon ditched the plants and the fishing and he never complained about the money invested into my hobbies.  When the photos started looking really good, I decided I wanted to do a festival and some art shows.  No problem, he built my display, gave up his free weekends to set up my display and carry all boxes.  Never complained about the money being spent on this adventure.  Only encouraged me.  Then when it took off and became a success, he was right there.  We would go out of town to do shows, he started making frames, buying more equipment, anything I needed....I got.  Even after his accident, he still wanted me to do the shows and he still came out help anyway he could.  When I first started running dirt roads to take photos, he would come along once in while.  He wasn't a morning person, but often he would get up early to go catch the sunrise with me.  I think when he first started riding with me, he did it just because....But he came to really enjoy it.  I tried to teach him his birds, much like his flowers ...he tried.  The last couple years every weekend was out on the road, just being together, seeing what we could get into.  He was always willing, I know he was hurting and in pain, told him we could stay home, but then he wanted to ride.  We always made it work, we had good times and bad.  I wouldn't trade any of it.
    Poor Don would catch hell from my Mom at Christmas, he would shop, and get so excited about what he got me, he couldn't wait for Christmas.  He would give it to me early.  He had been out shopping one week and had bought me a diamond tennis bracelet for Christmas in October.  He tried to hold out, but one night while working on the interstate, there was an accident and it involved a little girl, she was in bad shape and she passed away in Don's arms.  They told him to go home early, he walked in the door went to the closet came out and gave me a box.  I told him to wait til Christmas and his reply was "you don't know what tomorrow holds, what can happen next and I want you to have this Now and know that I Love You."  That's just the way things were.  He bought me diamonds, lots of them, necklaces, earrings, bracelets; I told him I don't go anywhere to wear all this fancy stuff...his reply: wear it everyday and enjoy it.  He told me to wear it to work.....I work in a machine shop and I went to work wearing diamonds.....
     After this last accident, we both truly knew how important it was to live each day like it was your last.  In many ways that accident made our marriage stronger and better.  We spent many hours together, we talked, we laughed and we loved each other completely.
     How can ANYTHING ever top that?   I was fortunate to find my true love 17 years ago.  I will never have that again.  I don't think anyone could love me as completely as Don, give me all the freedom and encouragement that he gave me.
     Therefore, I know things can always be worse....but I have experienced the Best.  I will continue to go on, I will do my best in life and I will try to continue to be Happy.  I'm just not real sure what I have to look forward to.... in the long term.  One day at a time, I suppose.

17 Years Ago....Oh What A Night

       Seventeen years ago you finally asked me to go for a soda after work.  I was working a part time job at the mini mart and I didn't get off until 11:30 pm.  I was so excited.  I had only talked to you two or three times.  But I knew you were special.  I told my Mom and my friends about the tall redheaded Deputy that would drive through the lot to do his zone checks, smile and wave to me.  Then you actually came into the store and I was training Odessa, it was her first day on the job.  Thank God crazy little Odessa spoke up for me and said you should ask me out.  She worked there two days, just long enough to get us to speak to each other.  I often wonder whatever happened to her, she was like a short, plump fairy godmother.  That night you met me at the store after work and we got into your patrol car and went to the Huddle House to talk.  I was on cloud nine.  You finally asked if you could take me to dinner and a movie the next night.  I almost couldn't wait to say yes.  Then duty called and you had to go back to work and I had to go home.

     As I was driving home, I was thinking about where we were going, what I was going to wear and what would happen next.  I pulled up into my little rented duplex, smiling to myself as I got out of the car.  I hadn't really noticed the porch light was out.  Until he grabbed my head from behind and slammed me into the door.  I was forced into my own home and he was yelling at me about you.  Wanted to know who you were, what did I think I was doing?  He hit me with a closed fist and knocked me on to the couch.  I was trying to defend myself and block his blows and that was when he grabbed my baseball bat by the door.

     You know hindsight is 20/20, a baseball bat is a lousy means of home protection or self defense, unless you are the one who grabs it first.  It was my neighbor John.  John and I had a history, but it was long over, it had been over two years.  But, I had never showed an interest in anyone else.  As it turned out, he had been watching me while I was at work from the truck stop across the street.  He had seen me talking to you, he had seen me smiling and happy, he had seen me get into your patrol car and he had seen us go to the Huddle House.

     He was furious, yelling and swinging that damn bat.  My knee and legs took the worst of it.  At least that is what I thought at the time.  Then he forced me to leave my home and go to his.  He was smart in a sense, he made sure there were no neighbors at home, there was no where I could run and no one would here me yell.  As he forced me into his house and raised the bat to strike me again, I reached out to grab it.  I had a hold of it, it took him by surprise.  I was hoping I could get the upper hand and turn this thing around.  It just made him madder and he jammed the bat into my forehead just above my right eyebrow.  I saw stars and started to fade as the blood poured down my face.  He grabbed my hair and threw me to the couch and screamed not to get blood of his furniture.  Then as he saw the blood pouring from my head, started to try to stop the bleeding and was trying to care for me.  Telling me he was sorry.  That he would do anything to take it back....What a psycho!  I told him not to touch me, then he starting ranting about how the Police Chief was his friend and that they wouldn't believe anything I said and that if I did say anything, he would make sure it was the last thing I said.  It was a long scary night, he finally pushed me out the door and back to my house, where he sat all night making sure I would not call anyone.

     Early in the morning, he just left.  I jumped up and locked the doors, got in the shower and looked in the mirror at my black eye and the nasty cut on my forehead.  The phone started ringing and it was him again.  Wanting to know why I liked you, wanting to know why I wouldn't give him another chance, if there was anyway we could work it out...He is a nut!  I grabbed my keys and got in the car and headed for the hospital.  The whole time thinking about what he said about his friend the Chief.  My head hurt so bad, I just wanted to get it and my knee checked out.  The "Good Ole Boy" system was strong down here in the South at that time.  So I decided I wouldn't say anything, I'd just tell them I fell.

     I went to the Emergency Room, they took me right away.  They questioned me about my injuries and I stupidly told them I fell.  Well, they weren't so stupid, they called the Police for suspected domestic violence.  I couldn't believe this was happening to me.  The Officer questioned me and I stuck to my story.  Then he scared me to death..."Miss, if you don't tell me what happened and who did this, I will take you to jail for withholding information".  Oh My God, and he worked at the Department where John's friend was the Chief.  What am I going to do?  I told him I wanted to talk to Don Mumford from the Sheriff's Office.  He replied that Don wasn't working that day.  That he did concrete work on the side and was off.  Thank the Lord you had given me your number.  I called you and told you I needed help and was at the Hospital.  You dropped everything, cancelled your concrete and drove from Brunswick to Camden.  You came in hugged me, talked to me and handled everything.  You filed the reports, you got the warrants and you kept me safe with you until my parents could get in from Pennsylvania.

     You took me shopping for clothes, you insisted on taking me for that fancy dinner on St. Simons Island, even though people were looking at you like you were such a creep.  When actually you were my White Knight, you rescued me and took care of me.  You gave up your bed for me that night insisting I stay with you until the next day when my parents arrived.  A perfect Gentlemen, I knew that you were special, but I never thought it would go this far that we would soon be married and that I could have ever loved you so much.  So, this is such a bittersweet day for me, I got my ass kicked but I got to walk away with my Redneck Prince Charming.  Anyway Baby, Happy Anniversary of our first and very memorable date.

My Susie

This is Susie.  I know I don't usually do photos on this site....but today is special.

     Let me tell you a story of an incredible little dog I named Susie.  Some 13 years ago my parents were getting ready to move to Georgia from Pennsylvania.  My Dad came down early to paint the house and I was over there helping him.  We had been working a while and took a lunch a break, I went into the house to get something and my Dad called me back out.  He said I had to see this....well here was a little green dog covered in matts and knots, her back looked like it was broken the hair was so piled up.  She broke my heart.  We had noticed the little dog house in the backyard, but didn't think much of it because the house had been empty for over a year.  We gave her some scraps, she was so hungry, her little nose was so red and swollen and you couldn't hardly see her eyes.  So I get on the phone and tell Don he needs to get here right away.  He got there and looked at that dog....then looked at me tearing up and said yes.  With that we approached her and she was nervous, I was afraid to pick her up because her back looked weird.  So, I told Don to pick her up.  She let him pick her and we placed her on a table and started trimming away the knots and matts.  We had to cut it right down to the skin.  She sat there...and sat there.  It took us about three hours but we got all the hair off and decided to give her a bath and she let us.  Probably the easiest bath I ever gave her.  When we were done there was less than half of the dog we started with.  We picked her up and put her in the truck and she let us.  You could tell she was scared, hoping for one more chance, taking a chance on us and trusting us.  But her little tail never wiggled.  We took her to the vet for a quick check up to make sure we weren't bringing anything bad home to our little Missy (Our other poodle mix dog).  I told the vet her story and she said she had to scan her for a chip.  I thought that is just what I need to know, who left this baby like this.  There was no chip, the vet said other than suffering from malnutrition and starving she was ok to take home until we could get a more thorough check up the next day.  She estimated her age about two years.  She came home with us, we fed her, promised she would never miss a meal again, introduced her to Missy.  Everyone got along.  We were a houseful of rescues.  Later we found she had heart worms, we had them give her the treatments and had her spayed.  Then we put her in the truck with us and we had to take a trip to PA, to help my parents move.  She sat right between us and didn't seem to mind the 12 hour drive.  Her tail still didn't wiggle.

     A very quick and busy trip up and it was time to come back, she never left our sides.  Sat between us for another 12 hours.  When we finally got home, back to Missy, when she came into the house, found her food bowl and a treat....that tail started wiggling like mad and it really hadn't slowed down much until the past few years.  She was a happy puppy!  We named her Susie, cause a friend of ours, whenever he met a lady and didn't know her named, he called them Susie.  We more or less determined that the people who left that house a over a year ago, left her too.  She knew her way around the house and she had been living in that dilapidated little dog house that was infested with fire ants and covered in spider webs.  It was obviously not easy on her.  She weighed 11 pounds when we found her and she took me up on the promise of never missing a meal.  She was a chunky girl who was almost 30 pounds at one time.

 

     Susie filled our lives with so much joy.  She had the most soulful eyes I have ever seen on a dog.   She went everywhere with us.  Always ready to jump in the truck, go to the beach, run the woods and of to course visit with Grandma and Grandpa.  She did the art shows with us.  Perching in my chair, wearing sunglasses or a hat.  Letting people love on her and take her picture.  She never needed a leash, she didn't go out of our unfenced yard...I think she was a Happy Girl.  When we found Dipsy the cat, she was happy to have someone to boss around.  When Missy passed away, Susie mourned her loss.  When Dipsy passed, she was lonely, but she was the Queen.  When I adopted Sam, our cat, she welcomed him.  She had someone to boss around again.  When we adopted Gracie, our little poodle, Susie welcomed her....now Sam had someone to keep him busy and she could rest.  She could let the youngsters entertain themselves, while she got lots of loving.
    
 
 Our furbabies are our children.  They are our family,  The girls, Gracie and Susie were both in the truck with Don, when he had his life altering accident in June of 2013.  They were banged up  pretty bad and Susie suffered a back injury.  The vet treated her, she came home ten days later, slowed down quite a bit, but the tail was wiggling.  They stayed with my parents while Don was in the hospital and were treated like royalty.  The first day I got to take Susie to see Don at Specialty Hospital was beautiful.  I'm not sure who missed who more.
  They both had missed each other so much.  The first thing Don asked about after his life flight to Shands was how are my girls.  I wasn't on of the ones he was talking about.  Don broke his arm in the accident trying to keep the girls from flying off the seat.  He thought Susie didn't make it.  When Don finally made it home 5 long months later, she was so happy...the tail was wiggling like crazy...her daddy was home.  She had slowed down a whole bunch of over the last two years.  But she stayed by his side, almost to a fault, he would trip or bump her with scooter because she was always right there.

  When Don passed eight weeks ago, Susie took it hard.  She has mourned him.  Her last few months have not been easy on her and I would have that long talk with myself and with Susie.  I didn't want her to suffer, she had trouble breathing and walking....but the tail still wiggled.  Last night was a rough on Susie, she didn't rest well, was coughing a lot and breathing hard.  I had told myself that it was time.  I got up and asked the girls if they wanted to go out and go potty.  She jumped up and trotted to the door...the tail wiggling.  She looked good.  But I knew time was coming to an end.  Today, when I came home from work, I asked the girls to go out and Gracie ran out, but Susie was standing in the living room, she wouldn't move and was breathing very shallow and fast.  She was swaying side to side uneasily... her tail didn't wiggle.  I immediately called the vet and they told me to come right away, they would wait for me.  I reached down and scooped my chunky little girl into my arms and held tight.  I felt her start to go limp, I sat down on the couch, her in my arms, rocking her and crying as my sweet Susie took her last breath and crossed over the Rainbow Bridge.  She waited for me and I am so thankful.  My little family is quickly diminishing.  So once again I turn to my writing, to my therapy and I hope this will help ease my pain.  I wanted to share with you what a great little dog she was, we took a chance on her and she took a chance on us.  Like I said we were a houseful of rescues.  Goodnight my Susie.

Another Letter to You...

     I know it's been a few weeks since I last wrote to you and I sure do wish I could talk to you!  I guess your cell won't get a signal...  Baby, I miss you so much.  My afternoons and evenings, which use to seem so rushed and never had enough time or hours in the day, now they just drag on endlessly.  I never knew the night could last so long, especially when sleep doesn't come easily.  I miss you laying beside me, rubbing my back, snuggling, and kissing me good night.  This bed is way too big for just me.  It's too big for me, Gracie, Sam and Susie if she would stay up here with me.  Our fur babies miss you something terrible too.  They are at my feet constantly.  I have my huge teddy bear that you bought me a few years ago for Valentine's Day, I even put on of your sweatshirts on it,  The one I bought you from Cracker Barrel, it is so soft and still smells like you.  He sits on your side of the bed, he fills some space and I often lay with my head on its chest and think of you.  I can't believe that it has only been eight weeks since I lost you, some days it feels just like yesterday and other times the way the day drags on it seems so much longer. 
     I know you tell me not to question why God does what he does and everyone says you're "in a better place", I always thought our place was a good place.  Not a castle, but it was ours and we were together.  I'm trying to understand His plan, but I still keeping thinking of our plans.  The future we had planned.  Some people say my life is easier now, I don't have to worry and I don't have to take care you.  That makes me so sad when they say that.  I never minded helping you or doing for you, yes I guess I would get flustered sometimes...but I think you knew, that if I minded or if I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't have.  I know you would have done the same for me.
     I know I'm going to get through this, I am doing better and getting my act together.  Things have been a bit hectic at work lately, but it keeps me busy, that part of the day goes by quick and of  course my guys I work with are the best.  They keep me on my toes and keep my mind occupied.  I hear there are some job openings coming up; planner and supervisor, I find myself considering this more and more, it may help fill the void.  It would definitely help out financially, let me get out of debt and possibly retire early, like we talked about.  My fear is that I won't have time to do my Art Shows and Photography, but then again...lately the drive to do my photos has not been there.  That and the fact that I love my job right now, the position I'm in, the work I do and the people I work with.  I don't think I want to leave the shop for a planner job and sometimes I'm not sure if the supervisor role is really for me.  You know I'm not very politically correct, I speak my mind out loud and I will probably get fired for harassment or hostile work environment when I throw something at someone...Ha Ha.  I wish you were here to give me your input and suggestions.
     The weekends....I miss our weekend adventures!  I try to go out and ride, the dirt roads aren't the same without you telling me how to drive, where to turn, to keep my eyes on the road...  I have been taking Gracie with me, but she gets whiny when I go down an old bumpy dirt road.  She still likes when we go "puddling"  she loves to watch the splash of the water.  I took her to Jekyll the other day and we were on the road around Tidelands with the white rock and sand, this was after it rained with giant puddles.  I hit everyone of them for her, she was barking and the little tail was just a wagging, until the wind caught the water and splashed back on her...little miss priss didn't care for that and my poor old truck is covered in that white dust and mud.  Dad was teasing me about it the other night.  Mom and Dad, of course, have been wonderful.  We are spending more time together and going out to dinner, they have come over here a couple times to visit, Dad has been keeping the grass cut and trimming up the trees.  I don't know what I would do without them.  I wish you could see them with their smart phones.  Dad is using your LG and he loves it!  They sure do keep me busy with "Tech Support" sometimes, but I don't mind.  I'm just glad they finally came into the 21st century.
     Michael Hulett is playing at Mary Ross Park tomorrow from 10am to 2 pm.  I think I'm going to go down and see them.  Michael and Jim are such wonderful people and they miss you so much too.  Michael is so talented and staying really busy.  I'm afraid if I don't get to see them this week, I won't get to see them for a long time.  Hoping he doesn't play "Our song" until I get there.  I know I will be tearful, but it is only because of my fond memories.
     Well Baby, I must admit writing this little letter to you has made me feel better.  I have always found some comfort in writing.  Again, I know I am going to get through this, it is not easy and I know you wouldn't want me to quit living.  You were always my biggest fan, you always told me I could do anything and succeed at it.  Right now, this is my biggest challenge...getting over missing you.  I find myself smiling more and crying less at all our memories, I think that is the way it should be.  Until next time....I love you and miss you Baby!

Widow...

Widow....that is a word I associate with little old ladies in black dresses and veils.  How can I possibly be a widow?  I'm too young, I don't own a dress, let alone a black one; I have some gray hair...but not that much, really and I don't do veils!(that would be way too girlie).  I don't like being called a widow, or referenced to as Don Mumford's widow.  I am Don Mumford's wife!  Yes, he is gone, believe me, I know he is gone.  But why do we have to use the word widow.  Another thing I associate with that word...widow..is of course the Black Widow Spider and anybody who knows me, knows how I feel about spiders. It is NOT a good thing.  (Spiders could be removed from God's green Earth for all I care....I hate the creepy, eight legged, web weaving arachnids!)
Being called a widow, to me, is an instant reminder of death, of the loss I am experiencing, of the last moments I spent with Don, how we were smiling and laughing, how he kissed me as they wheeled him away, how I told him I loved him and would see him in a few hours..... when the doctors came out to tell me he was gone, of the intense pain and agony I felt at that exact moment.  When someone refers to me as Don's widow; it all comes rushing back in a whirlwind of emotions, I mean I actually feel lightheaded and uneasy in my stomach.  How can one word have that much power?  How am I going to get passed this?  I don't like labels or stereotypes...I'm just Debbie!

Losing My Mind, Losing Time, Feeling Pain and they call it "Normal"??

     I had an extra long weekend, it started with my crazy Friday; was suppose to go though to Monday with Martin Luther King Day and back to work on Tuesday.  I know I sound like a broken record but things in my head are getting worse, the pain in my heart is sharper and more constant.  I try to keep busy during the day.  I was working in the yard Monday, it felt good being outside and working with my plants, so I run around to Don's shop to get my shovel and I start looking around at all his things and how he managed to rearrange things, build things while not being able to get around so good and not giving in, he just kept at it.  I sat down on one of the chairs, admiring him for his tenacity and memories start flowing, I'm smiling thinking about how much he enjoyed being out here..."piddling", as he called it.  I just zoned out, next thing I know tears are flowing, my face is wet and almost thirty minutes had passed.  My heart was racing, my stomach was queasy and I felt shaky.  I honestly have no idea where that time went.  It seems to be happening more frequently.  I pulled up in the yard the other day in my old truck and was looking at the front of the house, the ramp, the Nissan and twenty minutes later I realized I was still in the truck. 
     This morning I woke up early, it was not a very restful night, got my clothes together, got my morning wake up call, chattering away at the fur babies...sat down to put my fuzzy socks on, 'cause dang it was cold this morning... and BOOM out of no where my heart starts racing, I feel queasy, shaky and crying my eyes out.  Why??  I don't know.  So thirty minutes later Al calls back cause we chat on our way to work everyday and asked what was wrong...my reply, "I don't know, my head is screwed up".  He starts about going to counseling and talking to somebody, that their are people who go through this everyday.  Well, I'm  not real good about letting too many people into my head or heart.  I can't picture myself in a support group or group counseling.  I know a lot people find comfort in that, sharing their experiences with others who have or are travelling that same road.  Honestly, I don't know if I can handle hearing about someone else's misery.  I feel bad enough.
     So I figured I would let my fingers do the walking and started looking up how to handle the grief of losing someone suddenly on line. I think that is the hardest problem I have...is the suddenly part.  Anytime to you lose a loved one, spouse, friend or family member it is difficult.  I have never handled death well.  I rarely make it to a funeral and almost never to the casket, open or closed, I just don't want to remember them that way.  But, I have been fortunate to not lose many people close to me, I mean really close to me.  Anyway, the suddenly part kills me.  I didn't get to say goodbye!  It was "I love you and I will see you soon baby", Don kept saying "don't worry, everything is going to be fine, it's all in God's hands and I love you too baby".  We were taking selfies and pictures of him with his surgery cap on as he was leaving the room.  It wasn't suppose to be a goodbye.
     So, I go online and find out that I am not going crazy.  That what I am experiencing is somewhat typical.  Many call it "Grief Work", 'cause you have to work to be able to deal with the loss.  The discouraging part is there is no time line, no order of events, everyone deals with it differently.  So with this knowledge that I could be losing my mind indefinitely, I also decide to call my family doctor.  They were so kind to take me right away.  They are very familiar with Our Story.
     So, I tell Doc what is going on and how things seem to be getting worse, how I am finding it more difficult to deal with life without Don, that as time passes it is hurting more. how I am losing time, zoning out and all of the above.  He says it's normal...I can't believe this could be normal...that I am experiencing anxiety attacks and that he could help me with some temporary meds to get me over the hump....but that I should also speak to a "Grief Counselor".  That is not really what I wanted to hear.  I expressed to him, how I don't really open up to strangers, I don't like people to see me at my weakest moments, I don't like people to see me cry and that I don't really think that is "My Thing".  He assured me this person is great, they will put me at ease and maybe they can help me to start healing.  He would no longer hear my lame excuses and said he would set it up.  I guess we will take it "One Day At A Time", I have decided not to brood on this counselor thing...at least not until they call to schedule my appointment that is.
     I do know that something has to give.  Things can't really get back to normal, my normal was taking care of Don and he is gone.  I guess I need to find a new normal.  Then again Normal and Debbie aren't often in the same sentence.  Ha!   I do however, find some comfort in writing this blog and I am sure one day I will look back on it and think...boy I was a wimp. 

     I will keep praying that God will give me strength, enlighten me and continue to care for my family and friends.  I don't know what I would do without my family...parents, brother, fur babies and friends are too many to list but I do owe a special thanks to Kenny who makes me laugh, reminds me of the "Days of the Empire", shops with me via text messages at Wal-mart and listens to my sorrows and to Al for my morning wake up call, our morning conversations, listening to me wallow in my grief, for not giving up and continuing to push me to get help.  Friendships and relationships are funny the way they can endure time and pick right back up, like nothing happened.  Thank you! 

Why can't it all be that easy?

One of "THOSE" Days

     Did you ever have one of "those" days?  You know it is like unwritten law that "those" days should not occur on a Friday, on Friday before a long weekend or anytime during a weekend.  I have been having "those" kind of days frequently lately.  I don't know what is wrong with my head, I can't seem to focus on anything for longer than a few minutes, thoughts, feeling and all that emotional junk run through my head all the time.  I can't turn them off.  It use to be only at night, but lately....  I mean it's not all bad, the memories I have are wonderful and I wouldn't trade them for anything.  Memories are the one thing that nobody can take away from you.  While you sigh and smile at the memory, my thoughts go straight to the fact that he is gone and we will never experience anything together ever again.  Anyway, I think the constant change in thoughts it overloading my brain, 'cause let me tell you I can do some Stupid stuff lately.
     So back to "those" kind of days....Today, I woke up at my usual time 4:30 am.  I even have an old friend call me every morning just to make sure I get my sorry self out of bed.  Got up, got dressed, grabbed my stuff, even some tangerines for the guys at work and off I went.  My friend is a truck driver, So Monday through Friday not only does he wake me up every morning, but we talk on our ride to work.  It's 35 miles, passes time and allows us to catch up.  He has been there for me through a lot of tough times.  He is free therapy.  We couldn't talk long this morning, he had to off load the truck.  I drove in listening to the radio, got to the main gate at work, all is good, got to the second gate, got to say Hello to one of my friends who is the Security Guard, all is good.  I parked my truck, I was early, picked up my phone and was looking through some pics, the memories, emotions everything broke loose; I was a blubbering idiot sitting in my truck.  I sat there for over 30 minutes, tears flowing, blowing the nose, crying, (as much as I hate to admit it), hoping the guys don't see me.  I tried to pull myself together, now I'm all red nose and puffy eyes.  As I started to walk in, it just hit me again.  I went in and told my Supervisor, I would like to take the day off.  He took one look at me and said Go.  I have a good Supervisor and a great group of guys I work with, I think I may have mentioned that before.
     I called Al on my way home and tell him what a blubbering idiot I am and that I don't know what's wrong with me...so on so on.  I get to my house and I realize I do not have my house keys.  Now, I use to keep a key outside, but stupid me took it in the other day.  Now this is where it gets interesting...I have to break into my house.  I can't seem to convince, Susie, Gracie or Sam, (my fur babies), to unlock any of the doors.  I was unsuccessful with the front door, side door and the sliding door, (although I think I probably screwed the screen up on the slider).  So here is where my friend Sandi says I need to put a Go Pro camera on my head.  I move on to the windows! 
     So I pop the screen, (another casualty of my stupidity) and I get the window to open without actually breaking it!  (There's one plus for me).  Now, I have to get my friend the ladder....I don't think I shared my tangerine tree and ladder episode with you...let's just say it wasn't pretty and I have a bruise on my thigh that looks like I was hit with a 90 mph baseball.  Well, it is an eight foot step ladder, I have to kind of climb up it backwards, keep the window from falling on my head, keep Sam, the cat away from the window, tell the girls to quit barking.  Keep in mind, I am not a small woman.  So while hanging half way in the window and my legs hanging out, I am trying to re-arrange furniture, move the cat and I can feel the metal window frame against the front of my legs...I finally slide in scraping my legs the whole way.  The fur babies, were laughing at me.  All this excitement before 8:00 am.  So here I sit, with a new set of bruises on my legs, listening to the rain and writing to you, I hope you got a giggle or two and I certainly hope your Friday got off to a better start than mine...Just My Life

Time For A Little Road Trip, Dirt Road Therapy and Maybe Some Healing

     So far, today has been a good day.  Gracie, one of my fur babies, she's the little poodle, and I headed out early this morning around 6:00 am or so.  I would like to say Bright and early, but Lord knows there has not been much bright in the Georgia weather lately.  Speaking of weather, I have noticed a lot of alerts about river flooding and such,  I know the Altamaha over flows its banks a lot in Everett and I was speaking to my friend Mike, he performed the service for Don.  I tried to give him a little something for his time and he wouldn't have anything to do with it.  But he and his lovely bride, Angie enjoy my photos of the Lumber City Bridge, they have a couple prints from when the water was low.  So I decided to ride up there in search of a "high water picture of the Lumber City Bridge which spans the Ocmulgee River" so I can give them something special.
     So Gracie and I headed out Highway 32 and stopped over by Zirkle for some dirt road therapy, a run in the woods and sure enough the water along the Little Satilla River was high.  It was a nice pleasant drive.  Of course, it would have been better if Don had been with me.  I never worried about truck trouble, breaking down or how far we were going whenever he was with me.  This morning before I left, I caught myself, checking the oil, water and power steering fluid, which is a good thing.  But it is something I never had to worry about.
     Lumber City is about a hundred miles or so from Brunswick.  We hit all the small towns, Patterson, Alma, Hazlehurst and of course Lumber City.  I could not believe how high the water was.  I had to flip a couple u-turns, I could hear Don in my head saying "You can't do that", oh yes I can.  I got there just in time to catch a freight train running across the bridge.  I wasn't even sure if they used it anymore....see you can learn something new everyday.  I did manage to get some good shots and then we continued on up to McRae, I wanted to photograph the windmill also.  (If you are interested in seeing some of the photos you can check out my blog "The Beauty That Surrounds Us" at:  http://wildlifepersonalities.blogspot.com/  .  That is my photography Blog.
     I think our trip was it long for Gracie, she was getting restless and a little whiny.  On our return trip we came straight down Highway 341 through Baxley, Jesup, Gardi and a quick stop by the Altamaha River in Everett City.  But the Police wouldn't let us close to the river.  The road was closed about a mile before the park due to flooding and all the woods were flooded and the drains were running fast.
     We finally arrived home around 4:00 pm, all in all it was a good day. I did get some good pics and I most certainly thought about and missed my Don, but at least my eyes weren't leaking all day and I was able to smile at my fond memories.  Maybe healing is possible...I wish it could always be this easy.

Another Loss and Some Things I Just Don't Understand

     This evening I received some more bad news; my niece Vicki has passed away.  Vicki has had her share of battles through out life, but this last one, Cancer, reared its ugly head up out of nowhere and wreaked havoc on her poor little body.  Vicki is the daughter of Don's sister, Sue.  Sue has had a rough few years and has experienced more than her share of loss in her lifetime.  For the sixteen years that I have known Sue, she has been a caregiver.  She took care of her Mom, who was in her 80's, Vicki, her daughter who was handicapped with special needs and her husband Daniel who was an amputee with many of his own medical maladies.  She was taking care of all three of them when I first met her.  I thought to myself how does this little lady, take care of all these people so well, plus she usually cooks for her other daughter and her family.  She amazed me.  She constantly gives of herself for others.  Sue lost her oldest daughter Frankie to leukemia during her childhood many years ago, her Mom passes in 2000 shortly after Don and I married, she lost her brother Joe in June 2011, her husband in December 2013, her brother Don, my husband, in December 2015 and now she has lost her youngest daughter Vicki today.
     My heart breaks for Sue.  She has gone from devoting all her time to the care of others to having no one to give constant care to.  She has three other daughters who stand by her side constantly and I know their strength will get her through this most horrible time.  I am sure her faith in God, knowing Vicki is no longer suffering and that she has gone on to a better place will offer her some peace and comfort. 
     But I know from experience, it is the last thing you want people to say to you, "Oh, they are in a better place now, no longer in pain....and so on"  My poor Mom said that to me when Don passed and it hit me like a freight train!  I was very angry, telling her I found no comfort in that!  That I wanted him here with me!  We tell ourselves that they are in a better place, no longer in pain or agony and that they are with our loved ones that have gone on before us.  I try, I try desperately to believe this...that it is all part of His of a plan.  I don't understand His plan, when it causes so much heartache, especially to one person or one family.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, I say my prayers for my loved ones, I pray for strength and I pray for wisdom to understand.  I know Don is with me, I can hear him whisper in my ear, it is not our place to question...I can almost sense him some times; not physically, but emotionally...like a calm coming over me.  But I don't understand God.
     The selfish me still finds no comfort in that, I still want him here with me!  We had a plan, we had a future and we were a family....what was wrong with that plan?  Susie, Sam, Gracie and myself are left here with the pain of missing Don.  Sue and her family are left with the pain of losing many loved ones recently. 
     I guess, I just don't get the Big picture, the Big Plan.  It isn't the first time I have been told that!  I hope God doesn't hold it against me for my questioning attitude and maybe one day He can grant me with inner peace and a glimpse of His plan.
     God, please continue to Bless my family and friends, but please, please don't call any more home for a long time.  I don't know how much more I can handle either.  I don't think I am as strong as Sue.
    

A Letter to You....probably the first of many

     Well, it is Sunday evening after a long New Years weekend.  I think I managed the New Year pretty well for being alone for the first time in a long time.  I had a good cry, I held tight to my teddy bear that wears your sweatshirt and I had our fur babies beside me.  It doesn't help the fact that I miss you.  You know, I handle myself pretty well in the daylight hours.  I manage to keep myself busy with work and chores or Mom and Dad help occupy my time on the weekends, (I am so thankful for them), now with their new "Smartphones" I'm sure they will keep me hopping.  The nighttime hours are the worst!  I tell myself, "I will keep busy around the house until it's time to go to sleep and I'll be tired enough to nod right off".  But, that doesn't happen, I cannot lie down and go to bed without first thinking of you, missing you, wanting you beside me, my head on your shoulder and Gracie trying to worm in between us.....you left owing me a back rub.  The pain in my heart hurts as much tonight as the night you left me.  They say it will get better with time....How much time, I just don't know.  If it means I will begin to forget about you or love you less over time, then I don't see that happening.
     Sandi sent me a letter about death:

It is a beautiful letter and oh how I so wish it were true.  I agree that the time we spent together is untouched and unchanged, that what we meant to each is forever true, I still call your name, I still speak to you and you are never out of my mind....But everything has changed!  You are not here to greet when I come home, and though I speak your name easily; you don't reply, I don't get to see your smile or feel the warmth of your arms in a hug when I come home from work; there is nothing, I long to feel your hands on my shoulders as I sit and work at computer and there is nothing.  So how can it possibly be unchanged?  I know you are waiting, I know you are watching over me and I suppose there is some comfort in that.  But, it is not the same...Death may be nothing...but it changes everything.

     I know I am not suppose to question God, He has a plan, He knows what is right...But, you know me, I question everything.  How could He possibly think this right; to leave me alone here without you, after we have worked so hard to come this far.  I know you always say "when it's your time the Lord will call you home", well what determines when it's your time?  Did He take you to end your pain or suffering or did He take you because I did something wrong, is there something I need to be punished for?  If so, I wish He would let me know...I try to be a good person, I know I am far from perfect and I know I am not a churchgoer, but is this the price I have to pay for that?  You could never have found any one who would have loved you more than I did!  I guess I just don't understand how we can pray and pray and He takes you away from me the way He did.  Maybe you or someone up there can help enlighten me as to why?  It would be greatly appreciated!

     Then I often wonder, did we make the wrong decision?  Should I not have pushed you for the bypass?  Should we have opted for stents?  Should we have just gone home like you asked me once before?  I am tormented by these questions.

     Dammit Don, I miss you and I love you so much!  I am just as confused, bewildered and angry today as I was on that awful night that my whole world flipped upside down.....and they expect me to continue on as if nothing has changed....How am I suppose to do that?

     



Debbie, What do you mean: No Frills

     I had a friend ask me what I meant by "No Frills".  I had to chuckle, years ago my Mom shopped at Pathmark Supermarket in Pennsylvania and they had a brand called "No Frills".  There were no fancy ad campaigns, no pretty packages, no hype, just a white label with the name of the item.  Basically, what you see is what you get.  I guess that is the way I see myself:  what you see is what you get, especially when it comes to frills or frilly things.  My poor Mom so wanted a girly girl, one in frilly dresses, hair curled, make up and an office job.  Instead she got me: A blue jeans, t-shirt and boots kinda girl, a tomboy, a blue collar worker, a bit of a Redneck, a girl who doesn't mind getting her hands dirty, who likes driving an old pick up truck, running the dirt roads and who wants nothing...absolutely nothing to do with frilly dresses.  Thank God she loves me for who I am. 
    So anyway, the way I see it, a person should not have to put on airs for anyone.  If you can't accept me for who I really am, why should I try to be something I'm not? 
     So getting to know me: here are a few things about me and how I am.  I like to think of myself as an Optimist, things can always change, they can get better, it can be fixed and people are good at heart.  I try to be happy, cheerful and helpful.  I try to see the bright side of life and the good in all people.  This doesn't mean that I don't get sad, angry or mad, I just try to not let in get me down or dwell on it.  I try not to gossip, if it doesn't effect me or is outside my bubble, I let it go.  This does not mean I don't care about what happens to others because I do, I always seems to stand up for the underdog.  But people's personal business is just that...personal, if they want me to know, they will tell me. I don't have to pick it from the Grapevine and it certainly is not my place to make public.
     I am however; a smart ass and I know it.  I can be flippant at times, I am quick with a comeback, I specialize in Sarcasm and even considered brash and bold.  I often tell my friends and family...I'm not right in the head, I'm weird and I know it and I'm OK with it.  But in my defense, I work with men all day, I have done this for 24 years, I am a product of my environment...and besides...someone has to keep them in line....just kidding.  In all seriousness, I would have it no other way.  I love my job and I love my guys.  In the world of political correctness, sexual harassment and sensitive feelings, with my guys I don't have to worry about this, we aren't politically correct, sexual innuendo runs rampant among us and we all know better than to bring our feelings to work.  We do our work and try to have fun and laugh at the same time.  They are the Best.  They accept me for who I am, but they will be quick to agree that I'm not right in the head!  Ha
     I am bad about not always letting people get close to me.  I have lots of friends and I love them all, but rarely do any get to the inner sanctum.  As my friend Al says, I have high block and concrete protective walls built up around me.  He says he is going to knock them down one day.  I tend to be friends with men more than women.  Maybe because I work with them all day and I know they have my back and I can trust them.  Don't get me wrong, I have female friends, not many close ones, but I have a some.
     Currently, I am suffering.  Suffering the loss of my husband of 15 years, My Don.  My life damn near revolved around Don for the last 2 1/2 years after his accident and many medical problems.  This I try to do alone.  You know how it is, I don't want people to see me cry.  Anyway, I don't think I am going to heal as quickly as I thought.  There is a very large void in my life now.  Since I have those so called...big old walls around me.  I don't emotionally share this loss with anyone and I am good with that, it's the way I am made.  I don't mind being alone, well, I'm never alone, I have my furbabies and they are the only one's who really know all my secrets.
   That, my friends is where you come in.  Ha ha, you can't see me crying while I'm at the computer.  So. I am hoping you will allow me to share the good times and the bad with you through my writing.  Help me push through this difficult journey and maybe through this I can get an understanding of why things happen the way they do and why God works the way he does.  I miss Don something terrible.
     Well, here I go again getting off track, that seems to happen a lot lately.  I have been seriously lacking focus lately.  Anyway this is me..."No Frills", what you see is basically what you get.  I hope I don't offend anyone and if I unintentionally hurt your feelings, please bring it to my attention.  I welcome any and all constructive criticism, positive feedback or ideas to get me through this.  Remember it is a new year, a new chapter, you can always find a reason to be grateful and remember there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse than you do.  When you look at the big picture, objectively, we often see how Blessed we are and that our troubles or problems are minor and petty in the game of life.
  

Getting To Know Each Other

     Hi my name is Debbie.  First of all Happy New Year!  As you can tell from my profile, I have a job and I love it, I have a passion for photography and capturing the Beauty that Surrounds Us, I love the Georgia Coast, I love my poor old blue Chevy Pick Up Truck and I love exploring the dirt roads.
     I have my Family, I am Blessed to still have my Mom and Dad here on Earth with me and living close by me here in coastal Georgia.  I have a brother and his two beautiful daughters living in Pennsylvania, which is where I moved from 24 years ago.
     I have my furbabies, Susie aka Fat Susie is the oldest at about 15/16 years old.  She is Lhasa Apso/Terrier Mix, a small dog, (well she is suppose to be small), she was starving when we met and she hasn't missed a meal since.  Sam, he is a man of the house.  A soft little furry kitty cat that wouldn't harm a fly and then...there is Gracie.  She is the baby at 4/5 years old.  She is a Poodle and she knows she is too cute and that her place should be on your lap and your job is to rub her belly all day long!  They are all Rescues.  I use to think I rescued them, but lately I am realizing, they are rescuing me.
     I have extended Family, many Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, In-Laws near and far.
     I have my TRIDENT Refit Facility Family, more specifically my Shop 31 Work Family.  And I don't care what any one says, we are a true family, sometimes a dysfunctional family but a family nonetheless...we don't always get along, we don't always even like each other sometimes and that is OK, that is normal.  But when it comes to someone in need, they are there.  At least they have been there for me, on numerous occasions.  They have always stepped up to the plate and helped pick me up when I am down.  I don't know how I would have gotten by the last few years without them.
     I have my Festival Family, this is the eclectic and talented group and people who stand with me rain or shine, wind, cold and blistering heat to share our passion, the fruits of our labor with the public.  You should never underestimate this group of Treasures.  The support and love they have shown me in the short time I have known them is overwhelming.  Many have suffered tragedies of their own, they all work hard at what they do and they all have an unbelievable compassion for others. 
     Then there is my Social Media Family, My Facebook Family.  This is where many of my Families overlap and it is wonderful.  As silly as it sounds, it is amazing how much you can be a part of someone's life that you may have never met, or rarely see.  In some cases the impact is huge.  You can follow their travels, their happiness and joy, their trials and tribulations.  I can speak from experience, just knowing someone out there is thinking of you, praying for you, offering words of encouragement, taking time from their day to let you know that you matter; can make all the difference in the world.  To know that someone met you on FB and was so impacted by the pain or hardship you are going through, that they feel the need to take time from their busy schedule to look you up in person, to give you a hug of reassurance, a smile, a kind word and to let you know that you are not alone...it is very powerful and positive.
     What I don't have is My Don:  My husband, My Other Half, My White Knight, My Life Partner, My Friend.  You see, I lost Don on December 3, 2015 after open heart bypass surgery, they lost him in the recovery room.  To say my world has flipped upside down is an understatement.  This is a topic I am sure I will be re-addressing in future posts.

I have always liked to write and with the New Year starting, I thought maybe it would be good therapy to write about my feelings, focus on the good times we had, things that I am grateful for, figure out where I am headed in the future, trying to remain positive and to share this Journey into 2016...a new chapter begins.